level-headedness

Was talking to Steph (Vinna's friend) over the phone last night.

It's funny how when I'm dealing with my own problems, I'm all emotional and reckless and hot-headed, and you'd think there wasn't a sliver of rationality left in me, but when it comes to advising others...
Steph asked how come I could be so calm, cool-headed and rational.
Honestly, it's a weird miracle of sorts.

Am thinking of Elisabeth Elliot, how she described herself in her writing.
Hmm. Maybe things like that do happen.
Anyway, Elisabeth Elliot is one of the coolest ladies I know, and she sure knows her bible :)

smoochy peachy

Haha my post title doesn't make sense :D

I have 222 posts!
Tomorrow's a special day!
090909.
Cool :)

Ran into Ying Qi outside United Square today.
Then saw Jiamin at Mingles at Novena Square while having lunch with my parents.
Hah!
What a day :)

Crashed Ian's psychology lecture.
I loooovvveeed it!
Ok not that much, but it was interesting, what they were learning, and reading his textbook felt like reading a thicker version of Malcolm Gladwell's books!

Gearing up for four hours of ballet tomorrow...gosh I feel tired just thinking about it!
But I think I'll be ok, once I get over it, just like creative movement class :) and after all, I've had a bit more experience since teaching my first ballet class at Katong.
Oh God, please stay close by! Am so needing Your help!

NOTHING TO LOSE
NOTHIHNG TO PROVE
NOTHING TO HIDE

That's what I hope to become, someone who has nothing to lose because God is everything you have; nothing to prove because only what God says matters; nothing to hide cause you're walking right with God.

Make it a better place

"It's never a person who wants to save the world. They always become discouraged. But send me a contemplative. Send me someone who has a deep heart for God, and one day at a time, they serve."
Mother Teresa

Wow.
Ouch.
Talk about a slap in the face.

I am convinced that when we become overly obssessed about changing the world, we are more concerned about ourselves really than the world we are trying so hard to change.
But people who contemplate God and serve Him whole-heartedly - those are the people who last the distance.

You cannot love God wholeheartedly and not change the world :)

Rainclouds and a sliver of sunshine

Visited Sylva's church today.
It was like...WHHOOOAAA!
I especially loved the dancing for Jesus bit :)

Yinky said I looked pretty today :) :) :)
This is the on-cloud-nine feeling!
A couple of other people said nice dress.
I am so delighted!

Came up to the altar a little uncertain of myself. Spotted Ps Joe and managed to grab him before he walked by. I'm glad Ps Joe prayed for me. Glad he listened to what I had to say and gave me some reassurance. It still didn't quite cut it, but it helped a bit. Then I decided to be hopeful about church service at Sylva's church and know what?
God delivered :)

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I'm been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past I just can't seem to move on

Oh boy. This song is ringing truer than I thought it would!
But now I begin to see the sun a little. The clouds are getting blown away and...
Maybe I'll make it through :)

There are many things that make me want to go sh*t but know what?
I shall stop focusing on them and start thinking about how God's been seeing me through all this crap. He is faithful even when we are faithless.

Was feeling all agitated waiting at Bartley mrt station.
The seconds slipped by and between 9.48am and 10.25am, I must've checked the time something like a dozen times.
Then God reminded me why I was doing what I was doing, and He invited me to worship Him there and then. It wasn't about the hall and the musicians and the people. Well, on most days it is, but today, it wasn't.
So I started singing, and my heart felt lighter.

I know He will be there to catch me when I fall.

Waste not. Want not.

Feeling very, very wasted.
At least I went for a swim.
This 2am-12nn routine is not good, not good at all.
Yes, those are the hours I sleep.
Kinda explains why I feel so crappy.

Been watching alot of movies lately.
Up.
The Proposal.
Bandslam.
The Proposal (again).
I Love You, Beth Cooper.

G-Force is out.
The Time Traveller's Wife is out.
More movies are coming, like
Love Happens,
The Ugly Truth,
Julie & Julia,
The Princess and the Frog and
Fame.

I hate feeling so wasted from watching movies.
Didn't think this would be a battlefield, but it has become one.
You know, all these little things (or not so little things) keep taking turns.
Awhile back it was Made With Love shopping.
Then there was clothes shopping.
And then there was something before that, like music or whatever.
This is crazy. These things are driving me crazy.
C-R-A-Z-Y.

Jesus wasn't kidding when he said we need to pick up our crosses to follow him.
This is so, so, so, so, so, SO HAAARRD!
Needing some help here, God.

30 August

How unoriginal.

This might be my last August post.
Why do I sound like it's a funeral?
__________________________
God is doing His usual thing, throwing us human-lings into bewilderment and wondering if we managed to get anything right, especially the important stuff.

It was good talking to Shwing.
Definitely wondering about the increasing space between us (sounds like a certain famous theme song from a certain famous Award winning romantic movie), and it's clear it ain't just either of us - it's both.

It's a regular Sunday night, or perhaps not too regular.
Depends on how you look at it.
Had dinner at HeyHey Hotpot at pomo. It was delish, even though I didn't eat very much.
Loved The Proposal. Sandra Bullock is hilarious and totally awesome at what she does. Ryan Reynolds is pretty easy on the eyes (ok good-looking is more accurate, but I'm not about to go ga-ga over some movie celeb cause this heart is taken ;) and well, it was pretty heart-warming towards the end.
I recommend it!
Joanne said she didn't think it was good, but well, guess I'm a sucker for romantic-comedies, especially those that come with happy endings!

Waiting for my own happy ending.
42 is my magic number.

Back to God.
He rocks my socks like nothing else does.
Love Him, love Him some more, and it still ain't close to how much He loves me.
I am so screwed up. But He loves me. I am amazed.
Hope the teddy is staring back at me.
I named him after the song I Hope You Dance.

Don't think I'll ever stop dancing.
Won't stop believing that God is good, won't stop moving my hands and feet to the music.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.
I don't have to work!
Going to start cleaning up my room :)

Love this song, love this song, love this song...

Make It Work
Ne-Yo

You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately thats enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real I've seen

Sure, everyone has their problems
That's a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work

We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh

Sometimes I love you
More than you'll ever know
Other times you get on my nerves
(hey) That's just reality
No, it can't always be
Kisses, hugs, and beautiful words

You was looking for your prince
What you found
Is a pauper with potential
And no, i'm nowhere near perfect..
But i'm around
Girl, time and patience is essential
Baby realize...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work

We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh

Thick and thin
The bad outweighs the good sometimes
That doesn't mean we're 'spose to give it up
My problems are yours
And yours are mine

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work

We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh

Outstanding taxi fare

Monday $64.60
Tuesday $20.60
Wednesday $14.65

Boy oh boy.
That's 15cents away from a hundred bucks!
I hope Allison makes the claims soon!
Don't have a fat bank account anymore for paying in advance.

Tue. Wed.

Ran into Johnathan second day on the job. Been meeeting characters of all sorts, and God's been granting me loads of favours in getting cabs and finding places.

For instance, the bus stopped at a stop for a prolonged period of time cause someone was asking for directions or something, and while waiting I just decided to check the directory again, and realised it was my stop! I zipped off pronto - thank God for making the bus wait haha!

On two instances I was in ulu places and managed to get cabs fast cause the uncles were taking breaks and had parked their cabs in the hdb flat area parking lots. But that's not all - in both instances the uncles were in the cab so it was ask, hop in and go!

Talking to school counsellors has been an eye opener of another sort. I never knew this much about neighbourhood schools and the problems kids from less well-to-do backgrounds faced. Yes, I have been a pretty sheltered one.
Little flower in greenhouse, so to speak.

Then there's all the counsellors who took MCs on tuesday, meaning drop-off-and-go so I didn't have to rush! Tuesday's schedule was crazy packed, and if not for those unexpected absences...I actually got back earlier than Shaun!

Ok maybe today wasn't so fab.
My watch slowed and I didn't realise, then I got to the school in Sengkang and it had moved to Hougang.
Caaaabb!
At least I got my nice lunch at 剪刀饭 and even squeezed in a haircut ($3.80 at Snip Avenue, Toa Payoh; talk about dirt cheap)!

Went to AMK Methodist Church for dance.
Really wasn't expecting what I found.
The dance, I mean.
But that aside, it's clear to me that these kids are precious.
With a capital P.
I bet they get front seats to the parade in heaven.
Heck, they probably get to be in the parade.

It's been three days and I've met a busload-ful of characters.
Wondering where this is all leading to.
Dunno.
But I know God's got some plans up His sleeves :)

What a day.

9.15am chatted with Shaun about Christianity once again. he can't make it for captain's ball (and even if he could, he can't play cause of an injury). damn.

$5 first taxi ride. sorry to say i can't remember what I said to the taxi uncle.

$20 Malay taxi uncle, tuned in to a Malay radio station. decided to keep my mouth shut and rest.

$20.20 Chinese taxi uncle, 66 years old with 4 kids and 8 grandchildren. shared the gospel with him. sorta. not the point by point blatant way, of course. invited him to church. it's very convenient having a mrt station named after your church.

$12.80 Indian taxi uncle. had a photo of a saint on the dashboard (whom i mistakenly assumed to be his wife). told me about she was born blue, has healing powers from god, and travels the world healing people's souls and doing saintly work. i was dumbfounded. he asked me for my religion and i told him i'm a christian. he mentioned mother teresa. i tried to explain the difference. i think i failed.

$6.60 Chinese taxi uncle with alot of buddhist bands on his gear. said he got them free when he donated to monks. had some other powerful buddhist thing hanging from his rearview mirror. another attempt at sharing the gospel. it's hard when people believe all roads lead to rome. by the way, they don't. drove past our lovely church building and told him he's welcomed to visit :)

5.30pm took a chance and said hi to the stranger walking next to me in clarke quay mrt station. his name is Sylva, from Nigeria, Africa and he attends an African church. went for a quick drink in burger king and exchanged numbers. i'm visiting his church some time and he's coming to Bartley.

What a day.

Wind

Went for YA CGL bs today.
Too many acronyms?
That's young adult, cell group leader and bible study.

Not that I'm one yet, but will be soon, in about four months.
Oh gosh.
I was just getting used to this whole CGL thing in Frontline Youth and now I'm getting vamooshed to YA! (do you hear an aaaaaarrrrggggh~)

Too many changes, too many uncertainties, too many loose ends not tied down.
It's a good thing Joanne pointed out that I'm tired, having slept at 3am and woke up at 7am for girls' bs.

Oh God, is it too much to ask for some certainty?

Took an evening nap, but still feeling emotionally drained.
Hope it gets better tomorrow.
Work starts.
I'll be too busy to think about this for at least two weeks.
After that...God knows.
_________________________________________
It is often in the winds of change that we find our true direction.

muah-rah-dum

(I have no idea what my post title means it just popped into my head)

I think I'm getting immuned to things these days. used to be a real huge softie for things but now...gosh I dunno what happened. Did the process of toughening me make me more emotionless?

That's a scary thought.
I hope I find the balance.

Up was a lovely movie :)
We can all get too dead set on things of old and fail to look ahead, missing out even on the things that are right before us. That's saying something, coming from me.
Life goes on.
Time for a new adventure!

Waiting to watch G-Force.
And The Proposal. Only cause it's Sandra Bullock.

Fact and Fiction

Did you know the seven deadly sins are
1. Pride
2. Greed
3. Envy
4. Anger
5. Lust
6. Gluttony
7. Slothfulness

And apparently wikipedia tells you that Eve took and ate the apple.
It's a fruit, guys, no mention of it being an apple whatsoever.
The next thing we'd be debating is whether it was cinnamon.

Some answers to bible trivia seriously crack me up.

Like Noah's wife is Joan of Arc.
Or epistles are wives of the apostles.

It's time to read your bibles, friends.

Oh and, on a side note, The Da Vinci Code is a FICTION book.
There. It's in caps, bold, and italicised.
Fiction means story, means untrue, though like any other good storyteller Mr Brown's done his research and thrown in a few real names to make the tale convincing.
Honestly, the way people talk about it, you'd almost expect Professor Robert Langdon to exist.

Job: Mother.

Something is very wrong with my blogger new posts webpage.
Oh well.
I shall be thankful that I can still post :)

YAY I have a job!
For two weeks I will be running around the island talking to school counselors about Immanuel Beauty School, a non-profit organization that helps school dropouts of ages 15-17 by educating them with beautician skills and helping them find a job (and palce in society). And they're paying me $60 a day :)
Good money, good cause, gets my lazy butt out of the house.
What more could I ask for?

Ching Ting's asked me to do two more sessions of creative movement class at RVPS, so that's another source of income.
I'm starting to get attached to the kids! Am going to miss them (a little) when I leave.
You've the naughty and the nice, the hyper-active and the shy, the outspoken and the quiet, the boys and the girls (duh!) and some really creative ones :)
This boy does a pretty good Michael Jackson (or generic rockstar) imitation, and this other girl keeps asking if she can do the moonwalk.
These kids are amazing!
It's only the second week but they're already asking, "Are you coming back next week?"
Aww...
That's the sound of my heart melting.

So now I get it.
Ain't got no soft spot for babies in me, but just put me with a kid aged between four to seven and you'll get the kind of reaction you see from most of my girlfriends when they're around babies (think Cassandra - oh my)!
Alternatively you could try CGI animated baby mammoths.
But let's not go there.

Maybe I can do this thing called motherhood after all.

YAMI not

The YAMI yoghurt person never called, and when I called back, all the managers aren't around and the staff couldn't find my name on the list (that's both my Christian and Chinese names).
Today's tuesday.
I should've gone through the training already, but I haven't.
Oh well. So much for the joy of working there.

Yong Xin did get me a part time job as a promoter though!
Once again, it's two weeks long and pays well :)
Ching Ting's asked me to take two more of her classes.

Maybe I'll just end up doing an assortment of short-term part-time jobs until next August. The money's always coming in at the right time. Right now I owe my dad something like $340. My paycheck from SPOC better come soon!

Very Musically Talented people

Yinkoh'a friend, Jill Marie Thomas, is the most kick-ass singer/songwriter/guitarist I know, on par with Yinkoh herself and Rachel (of Awaken the Dreamer album)!

I am so glad I asked Yinkoh if she wanted to go to Made With Love with me :) that was when she invited me to hear her friend and I am so so so so so SO glad I went! When her album's out I am so getting a copy! Loved her voice, her music, her lyrics. Even cried at the last one. Would've stayed on if not for the fact that Made With Love was going to close in 45mins.

Yinkoh herself is amazing. Just found out she plays the clarinet. That's the fourth instrument to her list, after guitar, keyboard and violin. Is she talented or is she talented? She also happens to be one of the gentlest souls I know and a very good listener. I still can't believe she's my friend. Feels like I struck lottery or something.

And Rachel has just about the sweetest-powerful voice. That's the thing - her voice is both sweet and powerful. A very nice balance. Love her songs, especially Dreamer and Till You Come.

"If I dream
Will you stop loving me and
If I dream
Would you take me as I am"
- Dreamer

"Though I
Don't think I'll ever be loved
But I believe I will be when you come
KNocking on the stubborn door of my hungry heart"
- Till You Come

Updates

Thank God for the chance to hear Mich, Jonny, Christine, Zhong Xin and Melanie share about their trip to Taiwan.
Thank God for the chance to share about my dreams and burdens with Christine.
Thank God for the wonderful night getting to know some really cool people :)
Thank God for opening my eyes to the spiritual needs in Taiwan, and even mroe so that amazing stuff He's doing over there with Wei Jie and Kai Yuan and the Liuzhangli church.
Thanks God for the ride home with Mich and Jonny.
Thank God for their prayer.
______________________________________
I am unemployed.
Woke up this morning (was it still morning or was it past noon?), watched last night's recorded episode of the Hong Kong serial as I ate breakfast, checked my mail and edited Yan Hui's essays, halfway through writing out what happened the night I was at Blujazz with Cas.
Made a date with Steph to watch SDT at UCC (haha acronyms) and made a date with Suyin.
It's already 5.30pm and I've not had lunch, not gone swimming and not cleaned my room.

Once again, I remember that I am unemployed.
I must've said that at least half a dozen times last night.
Really need to start thinking about the next one year.

This morning, my week was pretty empty.
Right now, I've 5 appointments in the next 2.5 days, and then it's youthprayer on friday evening and the rest of the weekend's going to roll right by.

Wow.
If this keeps up one year will be over and I wouldn't even have had to worry about what to do with my time.

Avelyn speaks

Avelyn thinks she is bold and rash, sometimes overly so and therefore gets under the skin of some people. But she can't help it. She loves living on the edge, including doing things like jaywalking, climbing school gates and bending as many rules as she can without getting into serious trouble.

One thing's for sure - she loves making things up as she goes.

Sometimes Avelyn wonders if she's finally sinned herself out of the reach of God, but she knows that isn't possible. No matter how screwed up life may seem at the moment, all she really cares is that she is loving God and letting that show through her daily living.

She falls, she picks herself up, and she keeps fighting.
Sometimes she gets too tired, though, and that's when she falls back into the steady and strong arms of God and simply allows herself to be.

It's tiring to always be doing things.
Sometimes, nothing more is asked of us than to be.

Avelyn is wondering why she's talking about herself in third-person speak, and also wondering if she'll ever get over her insecurities. She highly doubts it. But it can get better. At least now, she knows that she is loved.

She is thankful for friends who don't mind her weirdness and one of them particularly who lives down the road and is crazy enough to walk a mile with her at 11pm so that she can vent her frustrations and cry abit and then go for shaker fries and green tea at 24hr Mac's. She highly enjoyed the bit where they camped out at the wooden bench-like thing outside the Hong Kong cafe. She's learnt how to tie a fancy knot which has a name she can't remember. She's also hoping that her friend will get to know God someday.

If you'd like to get to know Avelyn, drop her a tag in the cbox :)

Read two things in a row that made me angry, nauseated, upset, sympathetic and indignant all at once.
I think a large part of it was indignance, and the rest of it was probably grief over the blindness of man.

Men who have elevated their own status to god.
Men who have chosen lies for truth.

Baby-phobic

Just being random.
Some people (like me) put the '(' before the ':' for their smileys so that it won't become a face.
Sometimes, we do it the usual ':)' way when it doesn't become a face.
Either that, or we forget.
Oh well.
Enough about smileys.

Went to watch Ice Age 3 today.
It was completely unplanned.
I got so fed up at the PLAY kiosk for not being able to read my thumbprint for a good whole 5 minutes that I had to restrain myself from using swear words.
Then I got so frustrated I almost cried (my arm was really, really hurting from holding my thumb up in that awkward position for so long).
When it still didn't work after I logged out and logged in again for like, 3 times or more, I finally lost my self-control.
So I kicked the machine.

Anyway, that very long narrative explains why I went to buy myself a movie ticket to Ice Age 3. Needed to make myself feel better, and didn't want to waste my trip to Tiong Bahru Plaza, plus I did want to see the movie in the first place.
It's one of those unplanned-planned things.

Right.
Back to the point (why do I keep digressing?)
Manny and Ellie the mammoths finally had their baby!
They called her Peaches.
Peaches is SO. DARN. CUTE!
I was sitting there (alone, having the whole row to myself) and completely losing myself going ga-ga over how cute the baby mammoth is and realised I don't mind having a baby after all.

That was monumental.

I've always had a phobia of having children.
Unlike my girlfriends, I am so unmoved when I see babies (even Jonathan Mann, no offense to Dave or Heather, Jonathan and Ethan are absolutely adorable, but it's all up here in my head; it never did get down to my heart).
So I've always thought I'll make a terrible mum cause I won't be doing the whole very-taken-in-by-baby thing that we girls are supposed to do when we see babies.
See like my girlfriend Cas, she might be a Tim Burton fanatic, but she has a soft spot for babies.
Me? I'm supposed to be a big softie for things like that, but I don't (have a soft spot for babies, I mean).

So I was watching this baby mammoth frolicking around in the snow.
She like, sucked in a snowflake and started sneezing.
And they called her Peaches cause she's soft, sweet and fuzzy, and I'm like - awwwwww, isn't she adorable? (ok to be more accurate, it went more like, awwwww, isn't she the dang cutest thing?)
The it hit me that maybe I'll be able to do this thing called motherhood after all.

Eileen jie says no woman is really ever ready for motherhood.
It just hits them, and they pick things up along the way, which is really comforting to know.
So I'm not the only lost one out here.
Will be relying ALOT on the wisdom of 'those who have gone before'.

My phobia of having children - conquered.
If you experience similar troubles in taking a fancy to babies, you know what to do.
Go watch Ice Age 3 :)

If I dream
Would you stop loving me?
And if I dream
Would you take me as I am?
- Dreamer by Cove Red from Awaken the Dreamer

Day 2

Here we are on our way to the factory outlet where I went crazy shopping.

Ok actually I didn't go crazy. I did some very controlled shopping.

Seriously.

I can recount every item I bought and why I bought them :)

Those blue, red and white adidas shoes are the nicest pair of sneakers I've ever seen! Perfect for the dance too! Too bad they don't come in my size =/

Started playing around with the camera.

Nice croc advert.

Hokkaido Day 1

Ok, one day at a time.
I took so many photos I think I need a few dozen entries to cover it all.
Day one has the least cause we were mostly on the airplane.

That's sashimi dinner for you. Loads more coming.

If you like sashimi you should sit next to me, cause I usually can't finish mine.

If you're wondering why I took the toilet, it's cause it's really hi-tech. See the little lever above the toilet rolls? That's the flush. Was hunting behind the seat for it. Not to mention that you won't jump from cold toilet seats cause the japs keep theirs warm. Talk about civilisation.

Happy 200th Post

Bye bye Singapore!
C'ya in a week :)

ABSOLUTE, TOTAL, SONG OF THE MOMENT.
This Man - Jeremy Camp

I cried watching the video on youtube.

Would you take the place of this man?
I don't know of anyone who would, and don't know of anyone who could if he or she would.

Only beauty flowed from this place...
How great, the Father's love, that we should be called Sons of God.
Coming into contact with love like that changes you. Radically.

I am forever changed by God's love for me.

This Man

In only a moment truth
Was seen revealed this mystery
The crown that showed no dignity he wore
And the king was placed for all the world
To show disgrace but only beauty flowed from this place

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

He held the weight of impurity
The father would not see
The reasons had finally come to be to
Show the depth of his grace flowed with
Every sin erased he knew that this was
Why he came

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

And we just don't know the blood and
Water flowed and in it all
He shows just how much he cares
And the veil was torn so we could have
This open door and all these things have
Finally been complete

Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands

Come away with me...

Take me away...

That line has been haunting me the whole day.
Do you know the amazing number of songs that use that line?

"If you want to, I can save you. I can take you away from here..." Michelle Branch
"Take me away, a secret place..." Natasha Bedingfield
"I can't handle this confusion, I'm unable come and take me away..." Avril Lavigne
"带我走，到遥远的以后..." 杨丞琳

Here's my personal favourite though.
"Come away, my lover..." Song of Songs 8:14

"And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?
And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me"
- Norah Jones

"You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free"
- Tom Petty

Do you hear God calling?
I do.

All You Wanted

by Michelle Branch

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away
I didn't know that it was so cold

And you needed someone to show you the way
So I took your hand and
We figured out that
When the tide comes I'd take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah

Describes how I'm feeling perfectly.

DOES ANYONE CARE?!?!?

My Happy Endings

Wow I'm hitting an all time record of posts in a month.
let's make it 21 for good measure :)
I'm hitting 200 posts soon!

I wonder if anyone reads my blog in the first place.
__________________________

I've a million thoughts swirling through my head.
Not uncommon for Ave. Happens often.
Sometimes I wished I could space out like Shwing.
Doesn't work.
My mind's on auto-work mode the first moment I gain consciousness from sleep in the morning.
It's terrible at times, honestly.
I'm gonna need some aspirin to thin out my blood (like this uncle at the pharmacy counter next to me today) with all the activity going on up here.
Well.
I should be thankful that there's actually activity going on up here, shouldn't I?

Thank You, God, that I am not brain-dead.
__________________________

Trying to find peace amidst all this confusion.
You know, there really is alot going on.
Too much, in fact.
I feel like taking a trip to Honolulu and staying there for a good 6 months before coming back. Without a single care in the world.
I could use a Sabbatical.

It's a wonder I haven't broken down yet,
Any of you out there listening?
I need a break!
I need someone who ain't coming to me for something!
I'm going to burn out and die soon.

Ok I'm going to sleep and it'll be better in the morning.
I hope it will be.
If this is a movie the happily-ever-after needs to happen about...now.

If I could run away...

I want a good book (like Disappointment With God or Rumours of Another World, which I am reading) and unlimited supply of dark cherry mocha frappé.
And a comfortable hammock between 2 palm trees.
Ok scratch the hammock. Don't know of one that's comfortable to sit and read in.
I'll need a deck chair and cushions.

Huggable cushions. (ah perfect!)

I'll need a deserted island to whisk myself away to.
It should be situated where the skies are cornflower blue and where clouds cover the sun so that it's not too hot and with just the slightest hint of breeze.
An occasional storm would be good, so that I can hide in my little wooden hut, snug under my comforter and feel safe.
And shipwrecks will wash up ashore to bring me supplies of dark cherry mocha frappé (and whatever other stuff I need to stay alive).

At night, there'll be stars.

I think I just described my version of heaven.

Ok I think I need to stop here and go sleep.

Life goes on

Took this pict off the net for street-e with Yinkoh.

Saved it as "waiting".

Such apt description of the current status of my life.

What am I waiting for?

That's the best part.

I don't even know.

All I know, is that I'm waiting for a sign from above.

Offering on the altar

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering.

Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.

Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.
Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.

Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

Romans 12:1-2 (The Message)

I love love LOVE The Message's translation.
It makes complicated things so simple and easy to understand.

Philip Yancey writes about the Benedictines.
Boy, that's a group of people I wanna get to know.

"We humans struggle to find a balance between expressing our desires without inhibition and squelching them altogether...I came back to Christianity because it made the most sense of the world around me, in part by achieving the necessary balance. It exalts every person as a creature made in the image of God and yet warns that the image has been marred, something I found true of everyone I met. It honors sex, money, and power as good things, God's own gifts, while also recognizing them as powerful force that msut be handled with care, like radioactive material. In short, it applies a dose of realism to the chaos of human longings."
Philip Yancey, Rumours of Another World

Expressing our desires without inhibition; squelching them altogether.
A does of realism to the choas of human longings.
Love the way he phrases it.

Word

I finally found out why I felt so restless and anxious.
Went swimming but all I could do was agonize over the fact that something was severely wrong with my life.
Got up and sat on one of the lounge chairs and finally it came.
All my prayers weren't working cause prayer wasn't the issue.
The issue was that I had not been reading my bible properly.
Like, sit-down-and-read-and-meditate-and-journalling-reflections kind of a read, not the read-it-while-I'm-having-breakfast-and-highlighting-verses-that-stand-out-to-me kind of a read.

I thought I had a devotional life.
I was kidding me.
The red warning light had been going on for awhile.
I just hadn't noticed, or tried not to notice.

So now I'm starting all over, all the way from Genesis, unlearning and relearning things as I go along. Thanks to my beloved CG that bought me a Quest bible for my birthday, I have something to guide me with. It's really cool, you know, the Quest bible! It comes with maps and a timeline and reading plans and footnotes of questions and answers and many many other things I haven't explored yet.
So cool :)

A very humbling experience.
We can be leading and ministering all out of our own capacities and not even realise it.
Owch.

Here's a toast to putting my life back into semblance of what it should be :)

"You Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."
Psalm 119:105

Songs of the moment

Songs with surprisingly good lyrics :)

"Girl I can’t help but wait
Til’ you get that with him, it don’t change
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you see that wit me it ain’t the same
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you, see you, for what you really are
Baby girl you are a star"
- Can't Help but Wait


"This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work
Sometimes I love you
More than you'll ever know
Other times you get on my nerves
That's just reality
No, it can't always be
Kisses, hugs, and beautiful words
You was looking for your prince
What you found
Is a pauper with potential
And no, I'm nowhere near perfect
But i'm around
Girl, time and patience is essential"
- Make It Work

Verse of the moment

"My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him."
Psalm 62:5

A day in my only life

Rach said she thinks she's a Jesusfreak now!
I am so happy!!!

I'm signed up for a job interview and a blood donation drive this Sunday.
But before that, there's discussion tomorrow during CG, then there's bible study on Sunday morning. I so need to sleep.

My new top is work-in-progress!
I really could get the hang of this clothes-making thing :)

Now playing: Fire Fall Down

Ok I'm so totally random these days.
What am I trying to do anyway? Capture life as it flashes by? Will these details matter anyway in another decade?

Another random thought: I'm waiting for them to clear the pool so that I can swim again.

K-box today was awesome! But it rained so heavily I didn't get to eat my snow ice =/ we will make a trip to Summer Frost one of these days!
Had Mac's for dinner.
Eew eew eew eew eew.
Seriously, they've got us brainwashed. The evil golden arch is carved onto our minds everytime we think food.
So grossed out I couldn't finish my fries and milo. Went to buy fresh fruits to detox.
Oh did you know, the fresh fruits stall sells them at only 50cents per piece at the paya lebar hawker centre? Super worth it! I bought watermelon and papaya :)
Oh and, Snip Avenue is at block 192 of Toa Payoh. Ground floor. Facing carpark. Near donut shop. It's a hair salon that gives haircuts at $4.80, which are of better quality than the $10 haircuts. Add $4 and you get a wash as well!
Finally! A decent salon to save my hair at a price my mum is willing to pay.

Ok so that's life for you.
Wonder what's going to happen in the next 9 years.
Oh God I don't wanna be 30 yet!
Know what, I'm gonna take my twenties slow.
Do the things that I really like and which really matter.

We only live once.

Random happenings.

I am worth a guy who treasures me.
_____________________________
This is not in chronological order.

Taught Sebastz how to breathe under water.
Wrote 100 Truths on Facebook.
Discovered the difference between my homepage and profile page on Facebook.
Had breakfast with 2 of the nicest people I know.
Gave Han Yong and Shwing a tour of my school.
Redid my organizer.
Emailed Edwin.
Emailed Yi Jun.
Planned wardrobe for Hokkaido trip.
Played puzzle bobble at the arcade.
Started working on testimony publication for TM412, soon to be Frontline Youth.
Got a haircut.
Watched Bedtime Stories with Sam, Steph, Joyce and Daniel!
Had Frolick!
Tomorrow: k-box!
____________________________
I'm coming alive cause God's in my life.

Answered Prayer

It's easy to forget, in the face of pain, that it is about surrender.
Pure and simple surrender to God.
Pain is always so real that I sometimes forget.
It's a simple answer I keep coming back to.
Even if I love, I must surrender to the greatest Lover of all.
__________________________________

The miracle?
That God spoke through unlikely people, one of them a non-Christian at that!
So I am going to Hokkaido and nothing's changing that.
And I think I see fashion design in the near future, followed by Africa :)
__________________________________

Thank God for His generous grace in answering even when I've not exactly been praying along the right track.

Thank You, God, for reminding me how good You are.
And that You are real.
Above all else, that You are real.

I say Frappé!

Starbuck Hall of Faves
1. Toffee Nut Latte
2. Dark Cherry Mocha

Waiting to add to list...

R.I.A.

Oh where oh where has my roomie-dear gone?
Oh where oh where can she be?

You think we'll be friends for the next 50 years?
You, me and Shwing?
Till our hair is white and our teeth have fallen out and we can't walk and our voices are hoarse but we still wanna sing at k-box.
I can't believe we didn't get any time together before you left!
But it's ok you'll be back soon.
Ok so 6 months ain't that soon, but well, at least half that time's about gone by already.

When you get back, we are going to
1. Eat ice cream at B&Js
2. k-box
3. Sun tan! I bought new swimsuits :)
4. stayover
5. watch a chick flick
6. shop for Christmas
7. eat at this nice indo-food place at lucky plaza that is named after you

I'm not kidding it's called Ria. Yan Hui brought me and Yong Xin there it's delish!

Tell me who wants to look back...

...and wonder where all those years have gone?
_________________________________

You think it'll change if I really left on a jet plane?
I'm not sure.

I want my life to be about more than this.
I feel so pathetic.
How can my life be all about this?
There's a destiny to fulfil...


But what?


Didn't realise the danger I was in.
Nearly bulldozed those fences down.


Haphazard.
Bits and pieces.
I don't think I'm going to make sense until I've figured this thing out.

I Hope You Dance is playing.
Wish this song, this dance will just keep going on.

Thanks for standing up for me when you had no reason, Ian.
I appreciate it.

You are there and I am here.
The idea is still unfamiliar to me.

It doesn't get better.

Seems as though I was deceiving myself all along.
I never knew there was such a great divide.
Just when I'd convinced Shwing otherwise, I've started doubting myself.

God, what are You trying to prove?

You're my bleeding love.

Mozambique is in Africa

I'm remembering Ms Thory Chau from high school days, how God called her to Africa and she just couldn't ignore the signs anymore.

God, are you gonna give me a sign anytime soon?

I never knew so much could be accomplished within a span of 14hrs. Like yesterday.
Thank God for every day that I am alive and breathing.
I like the state of my room now - clean. Even the usual unreached nooks and crannies. There are photos on the floor, but it's ok, cause they're in the process of being sorted out.

Like my life.
Work in progress.

Heidi and Rolland Baker's description of Mozambique, Africa, is recalling memories of an article I read back in sec 2 about poverty. You think you know poverty. Then you read an article like it and you think, no, I do NOT know poverty.
And so you think you know tragedy.
Then you read a book like Always Enough and you realise, no, I do NOT know tragedy.

There are two ways you could respond.
Walk away unchanged.
Or allow God to do something inside your heart, something like surgery that gives you a heart of flesh.
The next step is to take action.
That's usually the hardest thing that often looks vague and flooded with uncertainty.
What?
Give up my life here to go there?

Maybe.
Maybe I will.

To the ends of the earth, remember?

To the Ends of the Earth

An old song I've forgotten.
I want my life to count.

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all You are

And I would give the world to tell Your story
Cause I know that You've called me
I know that You've called me
I've lost myself for good within Your promise
I won't hide it
I won't hide it

Jesus I believe in You
And I would go
To the ends of the earth
To the ends of the eart
For You alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
That You are God

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never ever lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

I will remember to keep my hunger for things that are not of this world.

May you enver take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

I want to get out there, where the mountains and oceans are.

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

I believe the door behind me has closed.
But I also see a door opening ahead of me.

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

If there's one thing I will never let go of, it's my faith.

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

And I know that I shall always dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance

It's the very path I am walking right now,
The road less travelled.

Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making

That is one mistake I am willing to make.

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

I pause in my tracks and breathe in the beauty of the heavens above.

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I am dancing to a different tune.
It comes from above.

One life. One love.

School's out, exams are over, ten more days to absolute freedoooommmmm!

I am so glad I went swimming and vaccuumed and cleaned my room today.
Else I'll feel like a complete slug sitting in front of the comp trying to finish goodness knows how many episodes of Boys Over Flowers.

It still amazes me how God can choose to speak through things as unlikely as this.
I am learning so much about getting on with life just by watching Korean drama serials.
Reminds me of the last time I read PS. I Love You.
Guess things really do not happen by coincidence, do they?

Some things in my life may be a mess, but now I am encouraged by the fact that things of value are those that we have gone through much to gain. I know I shall appreciate this much more in future because of what has happened. Besides, we don't realise how much something means to us until we have to fight to keep it by our side.
Of course, not forgetting that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Perhaps I won't be going very far down the path of dance, but this whole process has taught me so, so, so indefinably much.
I look back on the past two years and kinda understand why God brought me through that way. Now it's time to move on, to find something that I love to do, which will give me reason to get me out of bed every morning.
If there's anything I've learnt from my two years, it is that dance is not that thing.
I'm on the next part of my journey finding destiny :)

Breathing, living and loving it!
(even if I'm slightly cooped up in front of the screen right now)

"Why?"

I've found that when all that can be done has been done,
and when all that can be said has been said,
and all that can be explained has been explained,
...
but the pain is still there,
...
I have nothing else left to do except to ask,
"Why?"

And I am not expecting an answer.
I just need to ask why.

Read John Fischer today and am loving the way he put it in his book Love Him in the Morning.
"Sometimes I forget that Jesus cried out, "Why?" from the cross. Ever think about that? It must be ok to do this. The "Why?" question does not have to indicate lack of faith. It indicates lack of human comprehension. Sometimes even all the right answers (which Jesus obviously knew) don't touch the pain, and "Why?" is the only thing you can say. To me, Christ's "Why?" from the crpss translates to something like, "I knew this was coming, and I know what it's for, but I had no idea it was going to be like this!" It's an entirely human cry that does not cancel out faith."
- John Fischer

她就这样，一不小心地中标了。

I want to remember you, but it's getting harder and harder.
Perhaps in another 365 days, I'll have no memory left of you.







As if.

I Hope You Dance

As long as I have the impetus to dance, I know I will keep on dancing.
The dance pauses, but it never ends.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I know that when I get a choice to sit it out or dance,
I will always choose to dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance too.

Slip discs happened to people around you.
It just doesn't happen to you.

But sometimes it does.
And you're left reeling.

What can you do?


Especially if you still want to dance...

Is it funny to not realise how much you want to dance until you can't?

Impetus...to dance!

Impetus
1. An impelling force, an inmpulse
2. The force or energy associated with a moving body


If I start a dance crew of my own, I will call it Impetus.
That's copyrighted!

If you are
1. In love with Jesus
2. In love with dance
3. Would like to make both known

Then I am looking for you :)

Thea and Jo-ann prayed for me at prayer meeting today.
It was smashingly awesome.
You know those moments when the clouds part and something from heaven reaches down?
Yeah. That.

I am so floored by my wretchedness and the love of God for unworthy creatures like us.

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
So I will dance with Cinderella
I don't wanna miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

I don't wanna go.
I don't want this dance to end.
I used to think I knew who my prince and my king was.
Now I realise they could very well be the same person.

Confession...

I watched Confessions of a Shopaholic :)
Apparently some girls come out from the cinema after that and start feeling like a shopaholic.
I think I did.
But it lasted for a grand total of 30mins tops.
Plus I made a no clothes no shoes no bags no accesories new year resolution.
So far I've only gotten clothes for CNY and a pair of slippers cause my shoes and socks were soaked through and I still had 6hrs more at the conference.
I think it's real funny when they did the shopaholics anonymous thing :)
Ooooh...and the way she paid back Derek Smeath was positively hilarious.
The feel good part even before the movie started was that my friend skipped class to watch it with me!
I think I'm a rebel at heart.
Ahah.
Not really.
More like a rule-bender.
I think it's an Avelyn thing.
Rules are meant for bending.
Ok not really.
I just like a bit of room for spontaneity.
And randomness :)

His Love.

My arms are still shaky from lugging the box home.
From the bus stop at SAFRA to anchorpoint, I stopped a grand total of 7 times.
While I was resting next to the entrance of anchorpoint, this very nice gentleman offered to help me carry my box home.
THANK GOD for that!
Else I won't be writing for awhile.
Even soaping myself was a challenge - my arms felt like lead, like dead limbs with no feelings.

There's too much happening these days.
I don't know where to start untangling my thoughts from first.
All I know, is that I am very much loved.
And I wouldn't be at all if not for the grace that redeemed me.
That really puts things in perspective.
I need to remember it's not what I do.
It's who I am and Who I belong to.

The Life in the Deathly Hallows

Couldn't sleep last night.
Started re-reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Loving every bit of it.

I know there's been a big hullaballoo over the whole witchcraft and wizardry thing.
Well honestly, I am a fan of the fact that the story plays like a huge saga parallel to this universe. Think Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings.
I'll probably get stoned by fundamentalists for even dari ng to suggest something like that, but the feeling's mutual.
No not that way - I'm not violent.
Just hope to get them to see from this point of view.
I bet they'll have a fit if you put them in an art gallery of contemporary art.

I think if we dared to let Harry Potter and his world into our lives, we discover the essence behind every one of the seven books, which is of courage, goodness, loyalty, sacrificial love and the triumph of light over darkness.
Of course, if your kid start dabbling in the dark arts, that'll be worrying.
But until then, give them a chance to read about the goodness of the world in a parallel that will engage them because it speaks on the same frequency as them.

If I wanted my ten year old to know about love and goodness, I wouldn't give her essays on intellectual discussions of it.
I also wouldn't give her C. S. Lewis (I'd save him for her later years).
I'll give her Harry Potter, and she'll also get to appreciate the beauty of literature in the process.

...there is Jesus.

For every moment of loneliness, there is Jesus.
For every heartache, there is Jesus.
For every shattered dream, there is Jesus.
For every broken wing, there is Jesus.

For every dance, there is Jesus.
For every song, there is Jesus.
For every starry night, there is Jesus.
For every moment of restedness, there is Jesus.

For every battle to be fought, there is Jesus.
For every death to be conquered, there is Jesus.
For every wanderer to be brought home, there is Jesus.
For every sinner to be saved, there is Jesus.

He is the beginning, the end all.

I'm going for my MRI scan tomorrow.
Don't know what to expect, but hey, God's Sovereign and He's got my back :)

Oh and, Jesus,
Please heal Jon Ji and let him regain his sight fully!
Please also heal Shze Hui so that she won't have to go for that scary op.
And finally, please allow me to finish this course...
Amen.

The Alchemy of Redemption

Here's an old song that is entirely appropriate.

So what can I say?
And what can I do?
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
_________________________________

Through an old video and an old book, God sends His rescue.
About 7 hours ago, I was vexed and crying tears of frustration on the bench down at the clubhouse as I explain the predicament I was in to Shwing.
A couple of hours later, I was rewatching the skit to Everything by Lifehouse.
If you need to be moved, be touched, rediscover a love you thought you knew but had somehow lost, and if you need to cry, go watch it.
Over dinner about 4 hours ago, I was reading Finding God in Unexpected Places, which I had been reading before I lent Mu Gen as I had reader's block* and could not finish the book.

"Because the deepest strength comes only through testing...I have learnt that faith means trusting in advance what willl make sense only in reverse...
Not even the murder of God's own son could end the relationship between God and human beings. In the alchemy of redemption, that most villianous crime became a day we now call Good friday."
Philip Yancey, Finding p.224

"I once viewed foreknowledge as a "genie in a bottle" gift of magic that afoords the recipient an enviable advantage. I now see it as a rather demanding test of faith. David in exile dreaming of his coronation, Hezekiah debating fifteen-year plans, the apostle Paul riding out a Mediterranean storm, even Jesus praying in gethsemane - all had special foresight into what end awaited them, but that hardly made the process any easier. It takes an extra measure of faith to endure with patience and obedience the long hours or years that precede whatever future you know about in advance. Ask the Old Testment prophets."
Philip Yancey, Finding p.232

Well, I suppose that puts me on par with alot of people.
________________________________

So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Truly, I have nothing mroe to say than to offer my life, once again, up to You.
Even though that still isn't quite enough, it is all I have.



*Reader's block is particular to the book you're reading. One tends to experience it when you're
1. Reading a book at the wrong time
2. At a section of the book you're not supposed to read yet

The Here and The Now

"So breathe it and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment"
Steven Curtis Chapman

Thanks guys for the CD. Love the songs :)
_________________________________

I must be insane to be up at this hour.

My days are getting...messy.
There's so much churning and churning inside my head.
Was I sane in taking on so much?
God, was it Your plan all along?
I've no idea what I'm doing.
I sure hope You do.

I know You do.

Major decisions, major commitments.
Left, right, center;
Up, down, front, back.
I'm squashed.

...
---
...
That's S.O.S. in morse code for you.

"You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me."
Psalm 139:5

Oh Lord, You are my God.
My trust is in You.

Ker-plat!

Killed a fly today in studio H.
Killed a long-legged mosquito in my bathroom today.
Could that be considered a skill?

Day 9 of 21-hood

"You are not defined by you abilities, but by your decisions."
Albus Dumbledore wisely said to Harry Potter.
The difference between Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter is that Harry Potter said, "Not Slytherin', not Slytherin'!"
__________________________________
Dance workshop at Loudfest was goooood!
I'm regaining my confidence.
It's been so subtle all along that I didn't realise it but...
Verbal abuse!
How does it feel to have someone verbally diminish your self worth twice a week for 24 weeks?
And I didn't even think anything was going wrong.
Now that the truth is out, I feel SO FREE!
Anyway, discovered that lyrical hip hop is my thing :)

Summer frost was nice. I wanna try milk flavour with chocolate sauce next time.
Thanks God for Mu Gen, who seems aptly placed in my life at the right moements to help me make up my mind to stick to decisions I've made (which I always start un-making after awhile).
Such as not buying the Loudfest tee (not for any other reason save I made a new year resolution not to spend any money on clothes, shoes, bags, accessories etc.). I really like the pink one actually.
Yeah I bought a pair of Giselles, but that's cause my shoes were soaked through, my socks were soaked through, and it was starting to get itchy and uncomfortable.
And for going to Mas Kuning tonight.
I've forgotten the loveliness of solitude at the playground area.

Project NSA (no strings attached) is coming along fantabulously!
Thank God for foodforthought, for Auntie Puat Fong, Uncle Alick, Pastor Alvin and Tze Cin! For supporting this and making it possible.
Thank God for Esther and Jordan and Sam for standing in the gap with me.
__________________________________
In need of direction for two major things in my life.

I wanna dance.
I so wanna do Bleeding Love.
And...is it just me or is my dream getting ressurrected?

Song of the Moment

过去的批评嘲讽 let it go, let it go
过去的轻蔑冷落 let it go, let it go
有些人口不饶人 却忘了瞧瞧自己又有什么资格

时刻都善良待人 let's move on, let's move on
时刻都做好本分 let's move on, let's move on
有些人心思浅薄 绝不是宽容自暴自弃的理由

也许 确实也受过言语打击
也许 从来也没什么好际遇
千万别将勇气深锁在阴影里
我们又不妨碍这世界继续美丽

我知道我变漂亮了 我知道我被注意了
曾难过 曾失落 微笑一下就过
外在的美貌容易戳破
内在的美好细水长流

我知道我变漂亮了 我直道我也豁达了
不自卑 不埋怨 就算还差一点点
用内涵弥补一切缺陷
内在的美迷住每个人的眼

Thank you for the memories.

Truly, I thank every single one of you for the most splendid night I've ever had in all 21 years of my life.

Daddy and Mummy,
For burning a big hole in your pockets with the food, room and decor stuff.

Joyce, Steph and Sam,
For coming over on Sunday to do all the cutting and tying.

Joyce, Steph, Belle and Daddy,
For helping to get the decor done and setting up in time.

Yan Hui and Yong Xin,
For helping this Cinderella attend her ball looking like royalty.

Shirley 姨姨 and 姨丈,
For the gorgeous bouquet and the humongously delicious cake!

婆婆 and Shirley 姨姨,
For the lovely necklace that came at just the right moment :)

公公, 婆婆, 星星, Janna 姐姐 and Melissa 表姐,
For seeing me through 21 birthdays and always being there.

Derrick,
For gracing my party with his awesome guitar-playing skills.

Suyin,
For inspiring me to do this whole thing in the first place.

Shwing,
For standing by me (literally) and singing with me so that I had the courage to do what I did.

Ria,
For the long distance call in the middle of the party, which made me scream with joy :)

Ivan,
For helping me to capture my memories in such professional fashion.

Sarah W,
For the trouble of getting me the amp.

Ian,
For getting the mics to work.

Joanne, Olie, Shwing, Meimei, Belle, Steph, Joyce W, Mich, Joyce K, Sarah L, Daniel, Yong Bing, Ivan, Ian, Chris and Joash,
For the loveliest gifts, for making a big deal out of me, and for staying back to help clean up!

Edwin, Mu Gen, Bryan, Clement, Gabriel, James, Matthew, Tim, Ming Hui, Hannah and Suen,
For adding loads of fun and laughter and life :)

Joylynn,
For rushing down (I'm sorry you got a little lost!) and for putting alot of love into your gift.

Cassandra,
For all things beautiful, including the necklace that I am absolutely in love with, and your words in my guestbook that nearly made me cry.

Daniel and Hei Man,
For being friends I want to remember for life (love your gift!)

Hanna,
For asking me for my wishlist and really getting me shower gel from The Body Shop :)

Jia Yin,
For coming in on such short notice, and for a really thoughtful gift.

Jessica,
For being there.

Yi Jun,
For biking down in a rush and humoring me with his usual antics.

Everyone present,
For surprising me with the cake and song (you guys were so sneaky), for allowing me to serenade you with my 2 songs, for making it such a memorable night and for making me so very glad that I had this party.

Whew!
This is waaaaay better than saying my thanks at the Academy Awards :)

the twenty-first 13 March

How do you want to be remembered?

Peanut butter and jam sandwich, with a bit of Steph's chocolate cake.
Did my daily bible reading.
Took a ride with daddy to pick up the amp from Sarah at SMU.
Rainging heavily.
Dropped off at Fast Print.
Rained had stopped.
Printed my leaves and pictures of Paris.
Went to use the toilet at block E.
Took a lift ride to avoid running into someone.
H102.
Caught a few greetings and a compliment.
Filled in semestral programme feedback forms.
Got my lovely dress from Yan Hui, Yongxin, Zu You, Ivonn, June and the foundation girls.
Guess that settles my wardrobe woes for tomorrow :)
Strawberry milk tea from Sweet Talk.
Lunch at Jap-Western restaurant in Bugis Junction.
Short walk over to food for thought.
Waited briefly for David.
Plans for Project NSA settled.
Exhilarated.
Heads to Bugis mrt.
Stops to read one-frame comics.
Meets Steph at Vivocity box office for The Tale of Despereaux.
Bought popcorn and drink.
Loved loved loved the movie.
Stirred up feelings of longing for...so many things.
A countryside, a castle, a princess.
We're all born with princesshood written onto our hearts.
Courage, honor, gentleman, knight in shining armour.
We all dream of being rescued by one.
Despereaux dared to be different.
And yes, there is nothing quite as powerful as forgiveness.
A trip to Daiso.
Queued at Marche.
Read a bit of Disappointment With God (second read).
Felt Him in the air, in the wind, in everything around me.
I know He is real.
Dinner with parents.
Nice rosti and crepe.
Cable car ride.
Singing Lemon Tree in chinese.
Stopped at The Jewel Box.
Nicest toilet I've been to.
Back in the car, back home.
24 sms birthday greetings.
A few more on facebook.

It could've been an eventful or non-eventful day, depending on how you look at it.

Standing at the washbasin in the ladies outside Marche after dinner, it occurs - no, it becomes clearer to me, that the worth or value of an object is determined by how wanted it is. Consequently, the worth of a person is determined by how loved he or she is.
When people know that they are loved, they are no longer the same.
Love changes our worth.
Now what if you knew you are dearly loved by the God of the universe?

25 sms greetings.
26.

How do you want to be remembered?
I want to be remembered by the lives I touch and the love I give.

Two Songs and More

"...and should my dreams fall through,
I will be safe with You."
How You Love Me, Bebo Norman

Auntie Lily says I'm brave.
Never thought of myself that way.
Am I really?
Guess I never thought of my sufferings as requiring bravery.
Elisabeth Elliot writes in The Path of Loneliness, that enduring suffering takes courage too.

"Follow You Jesus all the way up that hill
Follow You Jesus all the way up that hil
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You Lord, I will."
Yes I Will, Bebo Norman

Milestone 21

I thought back to my J1 years, remembering how I used to come across statements declaring love for God.
"Jesus, I love you."
Plain and simple.
And I would think, really? Could I really say that without any uncertainty?
I realised I loved Jesus with all the head knowledge up here, but not with my heart.

"Those who say that they believe in God yet neither love nor fear him, do not so much believe in Him but in those who have taught them that God exists. Those who believe that they believe in God, but without any passion in their heart, any anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God-idea, not in God."
-Miguel de Unamuno

Now I'm bordering on the age of 21.
I'm thankful, almost exhilarated to say, that somewhere between then and now, my heart has experienced that which my head acknowledged
Without a shred of doubt, I declare that I love Jesus with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life, and I shall but love him better after death.

I have anguished and doubted, despaired and received consolation, and my life continues to be plagued with the likes of these.
And yet, unwavering, unfailing is His love for me, which surpasses any love known to and exemplified by man.
Out of such a furnace is my Hosanna borne.
With each clinging on, each wee bit of faith, I grow stronger and more certain of my love for Jesus.

And so now I say this:
Jesus, I love you.

Lovin' Livin' Life

Dear God,

Thank You so very, very, very much for giving me a breather (even if it comes in the form of sitting out due to injuries).

Amen.
__________________________________

Party planning's coming along nicely :)
Daddy told me the caterers will bring their own table *whew* saves me the trouble of getting cardboard boxes!
I've been dated by mysterious person(s) on 11 March!
When I find out which lovely person(s) they are, they are getting a big hug.
__________________________________

Did you know that we call the fake grass patch at LASALLE the 'frass'?
So that makes a 'big hug' a 'bug'!

Day Four

I log on to the dang-blasted msn and can't find her on my contact list.
I severly dislike msn, friendster and facebook.

I hope she saw my email and will be reading these entries soon.
Just so she knows that I miss her. In a quiet corner of my heart.

Hey roomie, did you know that you're the first girl I cried so hard for?
That puts you on par with... *ahem*

Feel honoured :D

Day Three

She's gone to Aussie with my popular card.
My mum's, to be exact.

I sigh.
And wait for her to mail it back.
Hope my mum doesn't ask for it till then.

Only roomie will do stuff like that.
I laugh a little at the classic-ness of it.

Fingertips.

The pink, purple and blue nail polish is off.
I decided nail polish remover was a lot more efficient than picking it off in bits.

I don't do nails.
Except for girlfriends.
Once for birthday, once for Chinese New Year.
But mostly for girlfriends.
At least, I intend to keep it that way.

Places to Chill

Food for Thought is very very near the National Library.
Just across the street behind it.
I walked by without really noticing it, but something caused me to stop in my tracks.
I think it was the overflowing atmosphere of love and warmth in the place.
Got a nice latte at 3bucks.
Very worth it.
I think it's officially taking over Starbucks as my 'need to chill hang out place'.

Not forgetting The Decoder's Cafe at Balmoral.
Very cosy, and you get to play uber fun board games at 3bucks an hour.
They've got food and drinks too, though I haven't tried.
Waffletown happens to be nearby :)
Love the red and black sofa seats, oh-so-huggable cushions and, well, the decor's just really nice.

Starbucks is a tad higher up on the scale in terms of affordability.
But the toffee nut latte days were worth it.
Now that that's gone of the menu...
Well, it's still a nice place to be with a book.
Especially the couches - oh my goodness.

Haato has the most delicious banana chocolate ice cream at 3 bucks for the smallest cup.
Not to mention a whole host of toehr very ncie flavours.
The one at Olie's place (ridgewood condo, is it?) has couches and taboo as well :)
If you're just wanting good, slightly more luxurious ice cream at a very affordable price, they've an outlet under the same roof as Subway at Marina Square (a few more around the island).

Day Two

Was on my way to school when Sarah dropped me an sms, and somewhere at the bottom, she added that she misses Maria.
That got me started.

But know what?
She may be physically away from me, but she ain't that far really.
It's like I've got enough of her inside of me, enough of her love to not feel lonely when I think of her. I may be 'alone' from the absence of my roomie, but I'm not lonely.

Somehow, thinking about it has made me stronger.
That's when I realised that love does make you stronger.

Day One

By the time I got to the airport, a small crowd was already there. As the seconds ticked by, the crowd grew in size, and along grew the intensity of the atmosphere.

The second time I went to the toilet, I was trying to hide the fact that I felt nauseous and slightly sick in the stomach. I thought I was mad, but then I realised it was probably a result of my attempt to suppress my emotions.
And I had good reasons to.
If I'd let my emotions flow, I would've cried a new stream in Singapore at Changi ariport, so I tried to get a grip on myself. After all, there was already enough tears to go around, and she didn't need any more stress than she already had.

More time passed at an increasingly alarming rate.
I wanted to grab her arm and pull her to a corner where I could have a private word or two with her, but there were too many people around and too much going on.
She gave me a quick hug in between twenty other persons that she hugged and started inching towards departure. I wiped away the single trickle and held back the rest.
As she made her way to the other entrance, I walked ahead of the crowd, but they were too close behind and I started negotiating the fact that she was going to leave and I was not going to have my last word with her.

There was some laughter as she backed into one of the cordons, causing it to topple.
I didn't laugh.
I couldn't.
She waved goodbye and a few seconds later, she was gone.
I wanted to catch her disappearing into the crowds, but I didn't.

Family and friends starting dissipating.
A few sobs escaped, and within a few seconds, I was retching so terribly my friends grew alarmed and Meimei came to put her arms around me.

My dear roomie,
I wanted very badly to say goodbye.

Soul Calling

I pounded the floor over 1200 times.
My fist hurt. My arm ached.
But if every pound was a soul saved, it was worth it.

Knocking on heaven's door for my school.
____________________________________
To quote Suyin's song from Confessions: Life Lessons,
"What we need: a radical revelation."
I want cutting edge creativity to reach lost souls.
God's been putting ideas in my head.
Now to act.
Jesus I ask for your favour.
You said we shall do things greater than these.
Well, I'm ready to be your vessel, your hands and feet.
I'm ready to act.
____________________________________
I am haunted by
Albertine, Brooke Fraser and
If Everyone Cared, Nickelback

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible."

I can't even put the Nickelback video in words.
Go check it out yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScLQX3g0784

A Word of Advice

If you are male and fast approaching the age of 18 (or have already exceeded), this is for you.

If you want ladies to respect you, you gotta earn it.
Stop making chauvinistic comments about women, even if you are joking.
What makes you think ladies are going to hold any respect for men who put them down as weaker/overly sensitive/cannot be understood/troublesome (the list goes on)?

The whole point is not to understand women (by now you should be realising that yoiur capacity to do that is limited - very limited).
Appreciate them for their differences and when you can't fathom what's going on in their minds, leave it as one of those mysteries that differentiate us from you.

Do that, and you'd be surprised at how much better your relationships with your female friends are going to turn out.

Day 777

Jesus, you can have my everything.

I made that commitment 4 years ago.
Now I'm beginning to taste the pain of its required price.

Child, it's not too late to turn back.

No, Lord. The day I said I'm Yours, I meant what I said.
I will not take it back.
Even if it costs me this and more.
Even if it costs me my life.

He smiles, which says alot more than what words can.

This is the price to pay,
but in return, I hear his voice and I see his smile...
Sometimes, his face becomes clearer - ever so slight.
And I know it is worth it.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you...

I am lost in the embrace of his love.
And when I have fully lost myself, I am found by him.

Jesus.
Dearest name these lips shall ever utter.



I love you too.

Day 42

Thanks Joylynn! For "The Cross and the Switchblade"!
Now I've the first volunteer to help me plan my party :)

Ran into Juliano at redhill cause he was boarding at the exit I was alighting.
I'm thinking - what are the chances? I usually take bus.

I think I'm addicted to chocolate.
42 days into the year.
I've not bought chocolate for myself at all, but I've been blessed with chocolate from other sources. Only problem: I'm having withdrawal symptoms! And I just had a hershey's pie...
Oh good Lord. I need help.

Back muscles ache.
I'm working real hard in class, but my teachers can't see it, apparently.
Well at least one's been encouraging...she told me my side split has improved :)
Yan Hui's been affirming too; she tells me I've improved.
I know I still have a long way to go.
What matters is that I'm keeping my focus on the right Person.

Valentine's day is coming!
Happy birthday Joylynn!
I don't have a date, of course, but if I do, I'll date my girlfriends :)

Another day gone by in the blink of an eye.

To Die For

Dancing is not 'to die for'.
I will not 'do whatever it takes to dance'.

Because there's only one thing each of us can have that's 'to die for'.
Just ONE.

It can't be two or more, cause the day will come when both are presented before you and you are asked to choose. Then what? Do you have enough lives to die for both?
Neither do I.

So choose wisely, and choose carefully.

My 'to die for' thing is very clear.
I die for the One who died for me.
He who paid my ransom and bought my life at a price.

My Savior is to die for.
Only He is worth the giving up of my life.
In fact, He deserves my life - every single bit of me - and more.

Dance for Me.

I am NOT a dancer who is a Christian.
I am a Christian who is a dancer.
And not just any dancer - a dancer by calling.

It's getting a little hard to explain that to non-believers who think I'm in the wrong course. Honestly, if it'd been left up to me, I wouldn't be in this course either.

But that's the point.
I didn't want it to be up to me - I wanted it to be up to Jesus.

My only pain is in that I am not able to bring glory to His name by flourishing in my trade, and on top of that, I fear I smear His name with my lack of skill.
I remember those years when I worked so hard to get to the top for my own purposes. "Pain is good" had been my mantra.
But now...
If I work, I work for my Savior.
Him and Him alone be my source of motivation and strength.

I know I'm a little lost. I just need some time to find my way.

He Chose the Nails

When I think about what Jesus endured on the cross, what is an engagement ring compared to the need for billions of others to hear of the good news of salvation that is freely given through Christ?

Do you know what held Jesus on the cross?
No, it wasn't three measely nails. C'mon - he had twelve legions of angelic armies at his disposal! With a single word, he could have trashed his enemies and sent them all cowering (or repenting in dust and ashes).

It was love.
The excruciating pain was one reality.
Eternal condemnation in hell and separation from God as the fate of his beloved ones was the other.

The cross was but a weak, human-devised wooden structure that had no power whatsoever in holding captive the Son of God.
To quote Max Lucado, "He chose the nails", because he knew there wasn't any other way for us if he hadn't.

There's a thought to meditate on eh.

An Engagement Ring

In Quest for Love, one young lady prayed for a godly husband who will love the Lord with all his heart and be willing to sacrifice his own desires to carry out the work of the Lord.
She eventually met one such young man, who loved her and proposed to her. He did, however, also inform her that he will not be able to afford an engagement ring. The money is needed to advance the kingdom of the Lord, he tells her.
At first she is too stunned to respond. But when the shock has worn off, she asks herself - isn't he exactly the kind of a man she'd been praying for?

Upon reading that, I asked myself if I would be capable of making that sacrifice if I were in her shoes. The answer came after some thought.
It's not really about the engagement ring. It about a heart so set on God and His purposes, one so deeply in love with her Savior, that no other riches of this world matter.

I pray someday, I'll find a man who loves his Lord more than he loves me.
I pray someday, I'll find a man with enough character to sacrifice himself for the Lord.

Zonked Out

This is the first time I am handing in an assignment LATE.

Ok my life is officially on the edge.
I am so wiped out.
Who would've imagined that 4 long days would be swept up with visitations and mahjong and whatever else happens during chinese new years?
And so, I eagerly anticipate the weekend following a short week in school.
Well well well.
Another weekend burnt.

Not that I didn't enjoy it, and not that it wasn't spent meaningfully.
There was one trip to the airport, one trip to Gabriel's house, one trip to Meimei's house, one trip to Crest bookshop, one trip to The Pines country club, one trip to Shwing's house, one trip to Joyce Wong's house and one trip to The Art House.
On top of the usual stuff like prayer and service.
I was in ten places this weekend?!??!
Gawd.
No wonder I'm tired.

Where's my sabbath..!