On Pointe

The feeling rocks!
Not so much actually being on pointe, but being able to do it after failing for so long!

Started weekly classes in Jan.
It was blisters, cramped toes, burning muscles, sweat, tears, pain, and a whole lot of discouragement!
But now!
Oh, it's so deliciously glorious!
All the training and perserverance finally paid off!
I can feel my muscles are stronger and all :)
*does a quirky little victory dance*

Thank You God!
I'm so glad we did thanksgiving at TM prayer today. I had to rack my brain real hard cause things have been going rather terribly, to say the least, but I finally realised - yes! I do have something to be thankful for (beyond the fact that I'm still living and breathing and eating and have a roof over my head).

It's so lovely to be able to have something to be thankful for :)

Ballerina in the making...

NOT!

I wanted to protest.
I mean, c'mon! I've never taken a single ballet class in my life until August last year!
And we're like what, doing intermediate stuff?

But what he said is true.
If I wanna be in prof school, I gotta do better than what I'm doing.
Talk about inadequacy.

The voices keep coming back.
"You're not good enough. You're such a flop. You're a failure. You're not talented enough. You're not slim enough, not strong enough, not graceful enough. Your arms aren't long enough."
I'm not enough.
Period.
That's basically what it keeps trying to have me convinced of.

Are we in war zone yet?
I know I'm out on the front line, that's for sure.
I'm walking in Jesus' light, and the devil ain't too happy about it.

Don't think I don't know what's happening.
I was aware of it right from the start.
The enemy has lost his subtlety.
Well he tries to be, but I'm familiar with his tricks.

The Voice of Truth is still calling...
Gently...
Clearly...
Unwavering.

If I shut out the hustle from around me, I can still hear the still, small voice calling out to me.
"You are enough. You are more than enough."
It's so hard to believe sometimes, but it's the only reason I have that keeps me moving on.
Jesus finds me enough, more than enough.
And he wants me to dance for him.

Muslce aches and Mahjong madness

Ok. I am officially out of shape.
That's what you get for slacking off dance for a month.
Not that it could be helped, what with my wisdom teeth op and all. In fact, I got the better end of the deal, might I say.
So yeah.
2 days of ballet class, and I can feel the oh-so-familiar muscles aching again.

Went treadmilling yesterday.
It was exhilarating!
Like, I could actually keep speed without getting tired!
The trick is to make your legs do all the work while (in dance terms) holding your core.
I lost 400 calories in 30mins :) how cool is that?

I am waiting for our next mahjong session!
Like any other decent strategic game (bridge, gin rummy), mahjong is addictive, to say the least.
And the strange part is when the spiritual gets involved in your game.
Call it intuition, gut feeling, instinct, whatever you want.
I know it wasn't me, that's for sure.
Should've listened to the prompting and threw out the other tile.
But oh well.
No matter that I lost that round (and every other round).
It's all for the fun of it!

My Love.

I miss my poof.
Waiting for my fringe to grow out is torturous.
I just went and cut it again today.
_________________________________

"I'd rather do nothing with you than something without you."
No, Jesus.
I'd rather do something I dislike with You than something I like without You.

_________________________________

Oh God You make it sooooooo hard.
I am so tempted to get a boyfriend now.
I don't care who when how what why where.
Just anything but this.

Remember My Love.

It's a little hard, but I think it's coming through now in little dribs and drabs.

Job-moments.
That's what I call those horrendous, arduous, torturous, fling-my-frustrations-until-I-am-exhuasted sessions.
Thank God for being God.
He's the only One who can stand my nonsense.

Remember My Love...
Remember My Love...
Remember My Love...

I try.
I try really hard, you know.

I know.
Sometimes it's good to not try so hard.

Sigh.
This is where I let it all go.
My hopes, my fears, my dreams.
Let it all go into God's sovereign hands.

Another late night.
With God, they all amount to something in the end.

One Tuesday Morning

1.29am is a bad time to be up and thinking.

My body clock is screwed, after staying up for a week for the Night Festival.
It was pretty cool, standing on a 2.5m cranolina, dressed for a wedding - almost.

Saw Ian in the crowd.
Somewhat embarrassing.
You'd be if you had make up the sort I had on.

Didn't expect my parents to come and watch me.
Definitely didn't expect Auntie Tong Wah and Uncle Alick in the crowd.
She tells me Hannah and Daniel were there too.
Yikes.
Hope you guys enjoyed the show anyway!

Wow it's 1.58pm!
Oh dear. I had so wanted to sleep early tonight.

Found some photos of the commissioning off Jo-an's blog.
Somebody teach me how to post photos on my blog!
Yes! Blog + Friendster + Facebook noobie here!
Facebook is positively irritating.
And no, most people don't really understand what I mean when I say that.

Can't wait to escape.
To the Savannah grasslands or something.
I don't care where as long as there's blue skies, white fluffy clouds, acres and acres of grass and JESUS!
I am such a strange naturalistic freak.

Song of My Heart

Raindrops keep falling on my head...

Somewhere over the rainbow birds fly high
Birds fly over the rainbow why oh why can't I?

___________________________________

2am, and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be?
You're asking me

But only love can say,
"Try again or walk away"
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through -
That's something only love can do
___________________________________

Why are songs always so apt?
Talk about emo-ness.

I didn't want to know.
It was the first thing she said when I sat down.
___________________________________

Two roads diverged in the woods, and I -
I took the one less traveled by;
And that has made all the difference.

无名

你离我越来越遥远。
但或许，你根本无视我的存在。

我的泪，谁能了解？
希望是如此的渺茫；期盼，也总是落空。

我还能相信吗？我还愿意去相信吗？

爱要怎么说，爱要怎么做?
我越来越不明白。

但也因为如此，所以越来越依赖他。

我们的命运，由谁主宰？
是个可以相信，值得相信的人吧。

除了相信，我别无选择。

Back on Prayer

Check out what Henri Nouwen wrote on his prayer life.

"So what about my prayer life? Do I like to pray? Do I want to pray? Do I spend time praying? Frankly, the answer is no to all three questions. After sixty-three years of life and thirty-eight years of priesthood, my prayer seems dead as a rock...I have paid much attention to prayer, reading about it, writing about it, visiting monastries and houses of prayer, and guiding many people on their spiritual journeys. By now I should be full of spiritual fire, consumed by prayer. Many people think I am and speak to me as if prayer is my greatest gift and deepest desire.

The truth is that I do not feel much, if anything, when I pray. There are no warm emotions, bodily sensations, or mental visions. None of my five senses is being touhed - no specials smells, no special sounds, no special sights, no special tastes, no special movements. Whereas for a long time the Spirit acted so clearly through my flesh, now I feel nothing. I have lived with the expectation that prayer would become easier as I grow older and closer to death. But the opposite seems to be happening. The words darkness dryness seem to best describe my prayer today...

Are the darkness and the dryness of my prayer signs of God's absence, or are they signs of a presence deeper and wider than my senses can contain? Is the death of my prayer the end of my intimacy with God or the beginning of a new communion, beyond words, emotions, and bodily sensations?"

I am so grateful for the writings of these pilgrims who have gone before me.
We call them spiritual giants, but perhaps the very reason for their entitlement to such a term is that when they are alone, in those quiet, soul-searching moments, they fall to their knees before a God who is infinite and acknowledge that they are nothing more than finite human beings who are just as clueless as the next man on earth.

It helps to know that I am not alone on this journey, especially when treading places few would take the liberty to discuss publicly.

Some thoughts while reading "Reaching for the Invisible God" by Philip Yancey. A thumping good read that I would absolutely recommend.

B.O.G.

What a strange acronym eh?
But I love what it stands for.
Beloved of God.

Enjoyed my visit to New Creation.
I hereby debunk all that properity gospel rubbish.

Edwin's testimony was inspiring and very, very encouraging.

All praise goes back to the King of the Universe!
Amen.

60th

Happy 60th post!
Hah didn't think I'd make it this far :)

Oh here's a quote that never got posted -
"I cannot stop my ego from bleeding, but I can ignore its cries and follow Christ."
Does that say something or what!

To commemorate, I'm recycling one of my old posts. Was reading through all 59 of them and found this with the fondest memory, so here it is!


3 dollars' worth of God
We don't go up to the box office and ask for a ticket to the first 24 minutes of the show.
Neither do we buy a car without wheels and a sound system.
It is equally ridiculous, if not more, to ask, "Would you marry me for the next 7 and a half years?"

So why do we not find it ridiculous to ask God - "Can I just have 3 dollars worth of You please?"

Not enough to change my life radically, so that I won't have to give up the luxuries I'm used to, the habits I'm comfortable with, or work too hard in school.
Not enough to compel me to give up my favourite television shows, support missions, love the people I find unlovable, or clean out my ipod of downloaded music.
Not enough to convince me to help my mother with the chores, think less about myself and the things I want, or to die for my faith.

Oh no.Please, just give me 3 dollars worth of You, God. Just enough for me to sleep well at night, feel like a happy person and destress from work.
Just enough so that I don't have to do anything more than go to church every Sunday, read my bible and pray once in a while.
Just enough for me to have a vague idea of the purpose of my existence, get by difficult times in life and scrape pass the gates of heaven.

I am so amazed when people tell me, "Religion's all very good when you don't get too extreme about it. It helps when you face a crisis and meets your spiritual needs. Oh but don't go too far now!"

So you put God into a lamp and rub it every time you need to have three wishes granted.
Who wants a god like that?

Not me.

My God is Big, Powerful, Almighty and Sovereign.
That means He rules everything, including my life.
Now that's a God worth living for.