Held

I love this song.
It reminds me that there is a love greater than all my suffering.
It reminds me that I am loved.
That I am held.
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Held
Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that Providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow
The wise hands opens slowly to lillys of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held

Don't Ask Why

Don't we just love to ask why?
Why is the sky blue? Why isn't the whale a fish? Why can't I stay out late? Why can't I eat potato chips before dinner? Why can't I have Mac's for dinner every day? Why don't boys wear skirts? Why do I have to go to school? Why do I have to do homework?

Then, we grow a little older, but we don't stop asking why.
Why do people get married and divorce again? Why do they laugh at one another? Why do people have to suffer? Why do tsunamis happen? Why do countries go to war? Why don't the rich care more about the poor? Why are some lies called white lies? Why can't we all be happy?

When crisis hits, though, there is one question common to all mankind.
Why me?

Why must this happen?
God, if You're really out there and You really love me, why did You allow this to happen?

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9

I've learnt that there are times when you do not need to know why.
All you need to know, is that God is Sovereign, that He is worthy of your trust, and that He loves you dearly, more than you can ever know or imagine.
And that's enough.

So the next time you feel like asking 'why?', don't stop there.
Remember to ask 'who?'
I AM.
says God.
Ask 'what?'
And when God has spoken, remember to do what He asks of you.

Sometimes, He replies with a simple, "Trust Me."

I Love NG, I love my school!

If you bought a New Generation tee from the Ignite Conference,
WEAR IT!
That's how I found Koon Yew, a Fine Arts student from my school :) just after sharing with Gin, Zoe and Yang Ming about our (Esther and I) plans and garnering their support, I ran into a guy wearing the black NG logo tee! I immediately stopped him and within three minutes, I'd explained about Esther and me and gotten his contact :)
Hazel tells me my dance teacher has been looking for Christians to pray with!
Know what? I think Hosanna [Hillsong] says it better than I can.

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the thigns unseen
Show me how to lvoe like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cuase
As I walk form earth into eternity

Father, this is my prayer.

Diary Excerpt

23 Jan 2008

To have known God and been this close to Him,
to have beheld His glory and His majesty's splendour,
to have searched for His heart and found Him,
to have gazed upon His beauty,
to have heard Him whisper my name,
to have heard Him speak into the depths of my heart,
to have been restored by Him,
to have danced with Him,
to have caught a glimpse of His dwelling place,
to have been romanced by Him,
to be so deeply loved by Him...

either Jesus Christ, my Lord God is the truest thing there ever was in my life, or the past four and a half years of my breathing and living was nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

Jesus, I am Yours.

What a day!

Went to watch "Life Is Not A Picnic" at the Esplanade.
Lovely.
But not as lovely as this.

First, Mr Harris lets us off class a good whole 30mins earlier!
So off we go for a good dinner :)
Ran into him at the bus stop on our way to the esplanade (the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Is there a banana leaf or a tree for me to hide behind?"), but...
he let us off easy! And even helped us find our way to the esplanade :)
While queueing up for tickets, a man approached to ask if we're watching "Life Is Not A Picnic", and promptly gave us a free ticket to the show!
And the cherry was this - turns out my senior Hazel was watching the show with her husband, and they gave me a lift home!

Dear Lord, thanks a million for this lovely, lovely day :)
I know You love me, but this is really extravagant!
No matter; my love for You only depends on this: Your love for me.

I found Esther.

I almost wanted to write this on my New Generation sign up form:
"If you know of anyone from my school (LASALLE) who attended this conference, please inform me."
Unfortunately (or fortunately), I didn't.
Instead, God pulled a little special of His own.
The first day at Ignite, I realised this was the golden opportunity to find someone from my school who was passionate about reaching the lost! Easier hoped than done - there are 1600 of us, and LASALLE doesn't even have a school uniform.

I was queueing for the toilet on sunday during the break. Due to an overwhelming need, the ushers opened up the male toilet for the long loooong line of ladies (of course, they shooed out the last guy in the toilet first, and rerouted any unsuspecting dudes to the other toilet on the 12th storey).
So there I was, queueing for the female toilet, and it was going to be my turn next, when the ushers announced that the male toilet was now available for the ladies' usage. A group of ladies next to me immediately trooped over, and for some strange reason, my feet moved and I found myself following after them.
For a few minutes, I was absolutely baffled by why I did that. I couldn't explain it. It was like my legs were in auto mode.
Eventually, I discovered why.
I found myself queueing in the male toilet instead, this time with one person in front of me. Behind me stood two friendly-looking girls who looked quite alike too. Turns out they are sisters. How do I know? I asked.
Ok not quite.
The first thing out of my mouth was, "What school are you from?"
After exchanging a few sentences, she (Jolene) returned the question, so I told her I'm from LASALLE.
Her response I could never anticipate.
"I have a friend from Lasalle! Right here at this conference!"
We went through the whole "Oh my gosh are you serious? I can't believe this! This is such a coincidence*! Let me introduce you to her! Oh yes please!" routine, and after we left the toilet, she brought me to meet Esther, who was as excited about getting to know me me as I was about getting to know her.
She told me she is in the Faculty of Visual Arts, I told her I am in the Faculty of Performing Arts. Between us, we have the whole school covered (save the teaching staff and fancy titles).
We exchanged numbers.
That was yesterday.
Today, I was reading my bible in the morning. Lo and behold, I came across this verse:
"Joab said, "If the Arameans are too strong for me, then you are to rescue me; but if the Ammonites are too strong for you, then I will rescue you. Be strong and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The LORD will do what is good in his sight."
1 Chronicles 19: 12-13
Such an encouragement.
Our God rocks.
Like, totally.

*oh but we all know with God, there is no such thing as a coincidence.

Jars of Clay

Beauty that has never been ravaged,
isn't much beauty to speak of.

Our hearts are constantly being enlarged by suffering.
Someday, we'll understand what it means to love like Christ did.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
2 Cor 4:7

I want you to know...
that I cannot live a day apart from God;
that I cannot dance a moment apart from God.
You ask me how school has been.
If I told you the truth, that I've been running by God's strength, God's grace and God's power, you wouldn't understand anyway.
So I smile and say it's been good.
Oh if only you knew.
daddy, if only you knew.
___________________________________
Oh my goodness!
My new teacher is a Christian!!!
Rocks :)

Door-thumping

Let me introduce you to the art of door-thumping.
Ever ran 26km/hr over 200m to catch the bus, only to have it pull out of the stop while you stare helplessly at your ride when you'd only been a mere distance of 10 inches (your nose to the door) from it, because the driver was looking the other way for oncoming traffic as he got ready to pull out of the stop so he didn't see you?
Yes, that has happened to me too.
You may try waving vigorously and shouting (as I did), but chances are you'll miss your ride because the driver won't see or hear you.
Therefore!
I discovered the art of door-thumping.
It's simple business. Any idiot can do it. Just raise your hand and pound on the door. The door won't break, your hand won't hurt (if you have sense enough to use your palm instead of your knuckles) and the bus driver will definitely notice you.
Eventually (when he has overcome his shock) he'll press the 'door open' button and Voila! You board the bus :)
Simple and fuss-free, ain'it, and you don't have to grumble for the next 15mins waiting for the next bus to come.
I've tried it! Success rates have been 100% so far!
The next time you're staring at closed bus doors, you know what to do :)

God Speaks

I was waiting to cross the road after school when I noticed in the distance some very bright orange lights resembling the number displays of the latest SBS bus models.
Bus no. 64 (my ride) has recently been changed tothese new models, so the first thought I had was, "Please, not 64!"
As the bus came closer, I saw that it was 64, so the next thought I had was, "C'mon, I need an amber light!"
When 64 had gone whizzing pass and the traffic light still showed no sign of turning amber, I gave up all hopes of catching my bus.
Even if the light turned red there and then, I would still need to run a good whole 150m to the bus stop and by then, 64 will be on its way to the next stop.
And then, something strange happened. It was as though as unseen force was moving my legs, or maybe it was pure instinct that motivated me. Whatever it was, at the next chance I had, I dashed across the road. It was no dangerous situation because the next car was a long way off, but the road was 4 lanes wide, and it took guts, seeing as how it was still red light for the pedestrians, and yes, it was illegal! (and I'm not entirely proud of it either)
Having crossed the road, I continued my crazy sprinting stint towards the bus stop. In my mind, I felt like an idiot because common sense said I would not be able to catch my bus.
My legs, however, seemed not to be taking orders from me.
Just as this little bit of conflict was taking place, a voice came through loud and clear, "Keep running. I'll make the bus wait."
My Daddy had spoken.
With my backpack thumping against me, my army water bottle swinging wildly from my left hand, my hoodie hanging precariously on my left arm and my dinner skillfully held on my right (thank goodness for plastic containers), I ran as fast as I could (which, you can imagine, is not all too fast) to catch the bus that was waiting for me by divine intervention.
As I neared the bus stop, I saw that 64 was still at the stop because there was another bus in front of it. 15 steps away from the bus stop, I saw that it was further held up by a lady who appeared to be asking for directions from the driver.
7 steps away from target, the driver shut the door and I mentally prepared myself for a bout of door-thumping*.
In the end, the driver saw me and I got safely on the bus, panting like mad but thankful that I'd caught my ride and that my dinner was still intact :)
"Be careful! You might fall!" said the driver in chinese.
I didn't really care. Inwardly I was smiling away like an idiot (maybe outwardly too).
My Daddy in Heaven, He made my ride wait.

*reference for door-thumping: refer to next post

The Left Turn

Anyone who's had some experience dancing will tell you that turning is always easier on one side than the other. For most of us, it's the right (for some odd-ies it's the left), which means left-side turns are incredulously hard to manage.
So this is a story about my left-side turn.
____________________________
Recently I read a book entitled "The Divine Embrace".
Sounds like one of those ho-hum titles? Guess again.
This is a book about -get this- dancing with Jesus.
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Day 1 of Semester 2 (a.k.a. yesterday).
For some strange reason I dreaded it. Ok maybe it's not so strange, considering how that's what I feel majority of the time ever since school started last August - dread.
I don't really understand why. I mean, dancing I'm supposed to love, and I do. But I guess dance school is just a little out of my league, and I'm not all that confident or certain or capable.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Cor 12:9

So there I was, Monday morning in ballet class, getting ready to do my left-side turns. And then, quite out of the blue, Jesus asked me, "Are you still dancing for yourself? Or are you going to dance for Me? Or how about dancing with Me?"
In my heart, I knew the answer even before I could thought-wave it over to Him in a proper sentence.
Within seconds, it was my turn. "Ok Jesus, this is for You!" I inhaled sharply and was off.
Like all happily-ever-after fairytales, this one had a happy ending. I did the best turns I've ever done in my entire life on the left side! In fact -Yan Hui's comment confirmed my feeling- they were as good as my right side turns!

Today was Day 2.
I am still learning how to dance for Jesus and with Jesus.
It can be mighty strange, because these are solo movements, unlike ballroom, where you actually have a partner to dance with.
Still, the little I've tasted, the glorious feeling of being led by Him as I move across the dance floor, is sweeter than any euphoria I could get off applauses of any kind.

Now that I know what it's like to dance with Jesus, there's no way I'm ever going to dance solo again.

Muscle aches

I had to take the longer way home today, cause my usual route involves 2 flights of stairs which my legs are currently incapable of mastering.
I lifted my feet to 90 degree angles to place my shoes on the shoe rack, and nearly got killed by the ache in my thigh muscles.
Even sitting on the toilet bowl hurts!!!
And when I lift my left arm parallel to the ground, the muscle on the left side of my ribcage hurts! (I didn't even know this muscle existed!)
One thing's for sure - when you start dancing, you discover muscles you didn't previously knew existed.
Like inner thigh muscles.

Man am I out of touch.
Look what 2months of inactivity can do to you!
I better start planning for the super long break coming up in mid April!

Starry Starry Night

You belong in a field of wildflowers,
You belong in a boat out at sea;
You belong with love on your arms,
You belong somehwere you feel free.
- Tom Petty
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There is no god comparable to mine!
The last night of MOB in Thailand, we went star-gazing.
Glorious, oh so glorious.
They looked like they'd been carefully placed on a glass ceiling that you could touch if you reached your arm out far enough.
But that's not the end of my story with stars.

Wednesday night at a playground.
Was spending a few precious moments with my Creator when it started drizzling. Surprised at how little time He'd given me to spend with Him, I was slightly disappointed. Well, maybe a bit more than slightly.
But the strange thing was, the drizzle didn't turn into rain. The tiniest drops of rain just kept on falling onto the dark blue slide I was sitting on, while overhead, a bridge that was part of the plastic structure sheltered me.
It never occurred to me that the drizzle was a slightly strange phenomenon until half an hour later. As I was getting ready to head home, I realised that it's only drizzled over a very small area, and it happened to inlcude the playground I was at.
So for a few more moments, I sat in silence (save for the song playing on my handphone), waiting for time to pass. Suddenly, I just felt like I had to lean against something, and as I rested against the slide, I noticed, for the first time, the tiny drops of rain on the slide.
With the street lamp shining on them and upclose, they looked -you guessed it- just like stars!
The whole thing was so beautiful, I cried.
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Here's what was playing on my handphone that night...

In Your Freedom
Hillsong - Savior King

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me

And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need

I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me

And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need

In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion, I offer devotion