140 characters.

A smattering of goodbyes here and there...

I still feel lost some days and wonder what my life is about.

Heaven has been becoming more and more of a reality.

Shared a C-size frolick with my brother, oreo, strawberries and all.

Tomorrow Wed Wed leaves.
I hope I save enough money to travel to Beijing next year.

I want to paint something in acrylic on a canvas soon.

I put God on the backseat again tonight.
Wish I'd stop doing this.

Love can be...agonizing at times, but the only other options are far too unthinkable.

Cultural and Contextual Class on 20 August 2010.

Quinquagenarian refers to a fifty year old man

The things we learn.

Fear of the Unknown

So I gave some a good laugh over my candy bar episode, but really, I think it drives a deeper point here.

Firstly, it's the fear of the unknown or unfamiliar.
Secondly it's the overwhelming proportion of it going beyond my capacity to handle the situation that causes panic.
The first alone is insufficient cause; only when I feel as though I've lost a handle on the situation does the panic start to surge in, and with it comes a natural increase in stress levels.

Some of you may be shaking your head - whoever thought one could go bonkers over a new macbook (pro) and the candy bar application (add an overwhelming number of keyboard shortcuts to that list - did I mention that the mac being too smart can seriously impair one's health)?
But I guess when you couple that with the new study environment as well as this whole design culture thing that I need to sink my fingers into it can really, REALLY throw one off balance.

So the thing to be done now is to rationalize away some of the fear, give myself some time to adjust, forget about wanting to master the macbook pro and settle with decent efficiency, and set all my icons back to default and try the candy bar thing another time.

Admitting one's arrogance can actually be rather humbling.
Firstly, I gotta admit that I pride myself on being decently savvy with technology (the limited spectrum that I choose to come into contact with - did I mention I'm anti-tech?) and do not like to think I am not utilizing something sufficiently. So maybe I felt like a semi-pro with laptops, thus getting thrown into the world of macs can be super unnerving because the mac is too smart to be mastered the way I can master your average computer.
The bottom-line is finding out that you're not that fab at something you think you're kinda fab at can either sink one into a depressive state, or you can rise to the challenge and learn some humbling lessons along the way.

I've always been able to figure things out on my own when it comes to computers. Don't like having to consult people on things I think I am supposed to be able to figure out on my own.

Wow. I can actually write an essay on this one.
Bemusement aside, guess I just want to assimilate this lesson (and feelings of being crippled) as part of life's learning experiences and move on.
I know I will, with a little time.

And if you see me stressed up about my macbook (pro) and school, just give a sympathetic nod and try not to make me feel lousier about myself, thanks.

Posted on my new macbook pro.

My Life in Checklists

What do you tell two young minds who are feeling the hopelessness of the world?
In trying to make sense of the world we live in, we will continually hit roadblocks unless and until God is your reference point. Colossians 1:16.

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Apply for new passport.
Check.
Collect new passport.
Pending.
Change learning portal and lasalle email account password.
Check.
Buy paper for next studio class.
Check.
Figure out how to bold text using keyboard shortcut on mac.
Check.
Upload mobile photos to facebook and tag.
Pending.
Re-arrange book shelf.
Check.
Transfer files to mac.
Check.
Transfer favourite sites to mac.
In progress.
Reply emails.
In progress.
Open new bank account.
Pending.

My life in a checklist.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Needing to adjust to too many things and having a sudden influx of unexpected experiences can really derail one from her peace. Hope normality is restored soon. Don't fancy over-exposing my nerves to stimulation.

In-between moments where you're neither here nor there

The lack of posts probably says something about my life as much as my posts do.

Tomorrow I go back to school.
It's been one looooonng break :)
I'm happy to be going back.

Sometimes all you need is a little courage to walk on.



I hope to be doing this in a very short while.

*disclaimer: I don't know how the post title turned out to be so long, but it started out with two words, really, and the rest kinda filled themselves in. I'm not really 'neither here nor there'. As a matter of fact, I am living out the moment and enjoying it very much, and I also happen to know where I am going, whether in the short term sense or in the long term sense.

C. S. Lewis says the present moment is the point where time touches eternity.
I think he is absolutely brilliant.

muse

What did people do before the days of email?

Soldiers

Foxy is hard at work, which motivates me to work hard too :)

Much to do in the office, but starting the day off in prayer helps us to stay centered on God and focused on the ministry at hand.

A good reminder this morning that God doesn't shift obstacles - He gets us right through them.
I will press on.
I've got Xingqi, Rae, Wednesday and Chee Onn with me.

A Dusting Off

After a long day at work (with an extended meeting pushing way beyond the limits of my mental capacity), I was crossing the overhead bridge outside 4 How Sun Drive when I snapped out of my reverie just in time to see 28 approaching at a speed too fast for me to catch. Still, banging on a glimmer of hope, I gave chase.

The result?
Stuck at the bus stop, past 8pm, hungry, emotionally drained, mentally exhausted and now physically worn out as well. I slumped onto the seats and wondered if something is out against me.

Raising my thoughts to God, I asked if the arrangement had to be this accurate - being in deep thought, the sandals, no one getting on or off at the stop, the red light that turned green just as I neared...all these contributing the loss of precious seconds that just might have resulted in a different outcome for my endeavour to catch the bus.

Still, in the moments that ensued, I willed my will, against all odds, to find the new center of peace that I have recently discovered. The act itself takes effort from every mental fibre available to shut out distractions, resist plugging into music, not sink into self-pity or any other equally destructive emotion, and basically disallow the mind to wander into any other grounds except the one place where peace is to be found.

Slowly, as laboured breathing evened out, the thought that God goes to extreme lengths at times to catch our attention or force us to slow down brought a smile, and I found my soul being unshackled from the weight of the world. Oddly enough, the next bus that came was neither 93 nor 158. It only confirmed my presupposition that it had been part of His orchestration all along.

The brief interruption to a daily routine, though not entirely desired, was much needed. In those few precious minutes, I regained the heart of gratitude as I relinquished the burden of work and minsitry into the loving Father's hands through a spot of meditation. By the time the following 28 came rumbling along, my soul and spirit had been refreshed and I was ready to head home after dinner to prepare for the following day of work.

Each day, it seems, we pick up dirt and dust that forms part of our baggage. It takes a bit of lingering the presence of God to clear this baggage. I'm beginning to see the necessity of starting and ending the day right with God, and this cannot be done without entering His presence and allowing Him to change us.

Be still and know that He is God.

Former Glory

No weeping
No hurt or pain
No suffering
You hold me now

No darkness
No sick or lame
No hiding
You hold me now
-Hillsong

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

All of creation groans, longing for the promised day of delivery.
Someday we shall all be restored to our former glory, to what we were once created to be.

Perhaps I have been broken so that I may not take every dance for granted, but be thankful for the grace that allows me every opportunity to ascribe Him glory through this God-given tool.

Ah...the beauty of movement.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You said, "I AM."

The Freedom of Being Man

There is no absolute truth.
In that case, the statement that 'there is no absolute truth' is not true either.
So if it's not true that there is no absolute truth, then either there IS absolute truth, or we are unable to know if there is absolute truth.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Man are funnny creatures.
Birds are born with wings, so they fly.
Fish are born with tails and fins, so they swim.
Horse and gazelles and cheetahs, they run.
But man, oh no, only man, is not content to be what he was created to be.*

But for the man who has learnt to be content being man, ahhh...is there not freedom in that?


*And angels too. A third of them, apparently, now cast out of heaven.

Quotable Quotes

"Saints become saints by somehow clinging to the stubborn conviction that God deserves our trust, even when it looks like the world is caving in."
- Philip Yancey, I Was Just Wondering

To be commanded to love God, let alone in the wilderness, is like being commanded to be well when we are sick, to sing for joy when we are dying of thirst, to run when our legs are broken. But this is the first and great commandment nonetheless. Even in the wilderness - especially in the wilderness - you shall love him.
- Frederick Buechner (as quoted by Philip Yancey)

"After two weeks of reading the entire Bible, I came away with the strong sense that God doesn't care so much about being analyzed. Mainly - like any parent, like any lover - he wants to be loved."
- Philip Yancey, I Was Just Wondering

give me eyes to see like Yours

Thoughts from watching fragments of The Soloist.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What if people weren't projects but potential friends?

What if that's all it really takes to make a difference to somebody, to be a friend?

What if we were able to see through God's eyes and recognize that there aren't any nobodies and that everybody is a somebody?

What if we stopped subscribing to the secular system of social status hierarchy and simple learnt to see God's image in people and love them?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What if we are lived in a place where nobody is better or worse than the next, but we all shone with our unqiue blend of colours?

I think it's called heaven.

A weighty matter

Ask not for your load to be lightened; ask instead, for character and strength to carry the portion which you have been assigned, and it shall become the weight of glory.
An epiphanical moment and an assemblage of words collected through random scraps of writings.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
From the Bible, this one is.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

If for nothing else, it is to and for God's glory.
If by nothing else, it shall be overcome by love.
If nothing else, it will be His arms that I fall into.

Saving the sky

7.05pm.
Walked out of my office to catch the sky saturated with a beautiful and mysterious yellow and a sea of blue, with dapplings of aqua green conjoining the two and smatterings of grey clouds, a Rembrandt* and infinitely better.

7.09pm.
Walking back into my office.
The sky had resumed its usual palette of ultramarine and cornflower blue. A faint light to the right of my makeshift viewing window, framed by the walls and railing of the church building, was the only remnant of the breath-chilling sight, hinting at the beauty that was a mere four minutes ago.

My breath was caught in the wrong sort of way.
For the first time, such a sight stunned me instead of moving me.
I check my heart - what's going on down here?
I don't know and I'm too tired to find out.

Salvation needs to find me because I am incapable of seeking it out.
At the moment.

Your saving grace, holding me.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

*disclaimer: I can't actually really remember the sort of painting that Rembrandt did. Probably should google it some time.

Flight of the Blue Jay

I have heard the cries of longing lost within a flurry of activity and believed that there is another door to be unlocked.
God is speaking, and to hear requires stillness.

There has got to be more to God than bible reading, praying and disciplined times of coming before Him and entering His presence by means of committed devotion, and I daresay it is not heretical to make a statement like this.

If God really runs the universe then there must be some aspects of Him unfathomable and therefore a continued mystery that frames and manifests within the relationship that we seek to have with Him.

Perhaps communion with God begins enters a new depth when we relinquish the need to understand, to process intellectually the implications of our faith and simply allow Him to be and ourselves to respond to that Being with our own state of being.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I am convinced that in order to live, I must learn how to fly.
And this flight differs from yours or his or hers, but it is the wings that we have been given that determines the pattern of our flight.
But we were all meant to fly.

3 knocks on an oakwood door.

"Don't flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege."
Matthew 7:6 [bold mine]

Encountering the mystery of God is both wonderful and dreadful at the same time, and also wonderful in its dreadfulness.

A few weeks ago, I heard a knock on my door.
It was God asking, "Ave, what have you been blogging about?"
That's when I realised, I'd forgotten why I started this blog in the first place. Much of recent posts hardly have anything to do with honor for God.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday morning I was buying my usual bottle of Nestle strawberry yoghurt drink at 7-eleven when I realised I only had 75cents to pay for a $1.35 drink. Told the cashier I'll be back after I make a trip to the atm, but this very kind soul, who was about to make his purchase, said he'll pay for me.

Amidst mild protests, I put my 70cents (didn't think he'd want the 5cents) into his hand before he could refuse and took off with my drink after saying my thanks, throwing in a smile to emphasize my gratitude.

If we love, it is God in us who loves.
Reductionism has us book-keeping with a list of laws and commands. There is absolute control in that, but God is not looking for controlled religion.
He is looking for someone who genuinely desires to seek, love, honor and please Him, someone who takes delight in Him and who knows and enjoys the Father's delight.

You can't do relationships with formulae, unlike religion.
Makes absolute sense which one to choose, but it ain't always that easy. Human nature tends toward the definable and controllable, but for the courageous, risk-taking, faith-filled few, they find a different sort of life.

So far, they haven't lost yet.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For all its pertubulations, agony and risks, I still choose love.
Because love has won me over.

Coming true...

Got my birthday wish!
Haha it turned out better than I expected :)

Back on my Feet

I'mma back! And Foxy my pet welcomes me with a morning workout, woohoo! Not to mention a couple of grey bunny wabbits as surprise guests :)

So with a nicely coordinated surprise, a heart-wrenching rendition of 'Happy Birthday' sung with much gusto by the CG guys (you guys ought to be on national tv), a scrummy-licious cake and a tub full of mashed potato, followed by dinner at Mad Jack's and a fifteen minute chillout at Fifteen Minutes (no kidding you there), 13 of March 2010 was spent memorably with the special warm fuzzy feeling still lingering.

Unfortunately, the flu bug attacked, causing absence from my work desk for a good two and a half days. But having slept a day's worth over Monday and Tuesday, I'm back with some fresh zest and enough spunk to take on the world (almost)!

I could film my own version of Home Alone now, having enjoyed peace and quiet for the past four days. Feeling especially proud of my laundry efforts and upkeeping with the mail. Must remember to water the plants. Oh and, time to engage the good, old trusty vaccuum cleaner again!

This living alone thing, I could get used to it, you know.
Maybe when I have a salary fat enough, I'll rent my own pad :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ave says, "Home is where the heart is, and your heart is where people who love you are."
Yinky says, "If I grow my roots in God, no matter where I go, I will find home."
Ave says, "That's even deeper and truer."
May my heart be found in God.

21 yrs 364 days old

My 276th post at 5.56pm on 12 March 2010.
Trying to make my twenty-one years of age last.

Despite my best attempts to lounge around in self-denial (best efforts meaning telling people I'm twenty-one plus instead of twenty-two), here I am, still, six hours away from cruel reality of being booted out of beloved twentyone-hood.

Funny how it never meant this much before.

I'd always looked puzzledly at Forever 21 storefronts, wondering why anybody would want to be twenty-one forever when there's the joy of progressing to other ages.
At precisely (or not so precisely) 3am on 1 January 2010, I learnt the reason why.
I can hardly bear the other 'two' digit creeping up to the first.

So here I am, hovering dangerously close to the dreaded age (and even more dangerously close to being late for dinner with my family in 29 minutes at Marina Square), and deciding to make a record of this monumental moment.

All that said and done, I'm going to squeeze out the last drop of twentyone-hood and savour it for what it's worth. Tomorrow, I launch gloriously into a new age (hah! literally) and well, we'll see what surprises await (or less pleasant ones lurking around the shady corners)!

At least the special day will be spent in good company.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Keep your expectations low, they wisely say (well, 'they' being more like 'I').
The noise that expectations make when they come crashing down never sound pretty.
So...expect nothing, and whatever comes take your breath away.
Ahh...best advice given yet, if I may say so, with all the twentyonish wisdom I can manage :)

Ciao~