R.I.A.

Oh where oh where has my roomie-dear gone?
Oh where oh where can she be?

You think we'll be friends for the next 50 years?
You, me and Shwing?
Till our hair is white and our teeth have fallen out and we can't walk and our voices are hoarse but we still wanna sing at k-box.
I can't believe we didn't get any time together before you left!
But it's ok you'll be back soon.
Ok so 6 months ain't that soon, but well, at least half that time's about gone by already.

When you get back, we are going to
1. Eat ice cream at B&Js
2. k-box
3. Sun tan! I bought new swimsuits :)
4. stayover
5. watch a chick flick
6. shop for Christmas
7. eat at this nice indo-food place at lucky plaza that is named after you

I'm not kidding it's called Ria. Yan Hui brought me and Yong Xin there it's delish!

Tell me who wants to look back...

...and wonder where all those years have gone?
_________________________________

You think it'll change if I really left on a jet plane?
I'm not sure.

I want my life to be about more than this.
I feel so pathetic.
How can my life be all about this?
There's a destiny to fulfil...


But what?


Didn't realise the danger I was in.
Nearly bulldozed those fences down.


Haphazard.
Bits and pieces.
I don't think I'm going to make sense until I've figured this thing out.

I Hope You Dance is playing.
Wish this song, this dance will just keep going on.

Thanks for standing up for me when you had no reason, Ian.
I appreciate it.

You are there and I am here.
The idea is still unfamiliar to me.

It doesn't get better.

Seems as though I was deceiving myself all along.
I never knew there was such a great divide.
Just when I'd convinced Shwing otherwise, I've started doubting myself.

God, what are You trying to prove?

You're my bleeding love.

Mozambique is in Africa

I'm remembering Ms Thory Chau from high school days, how God called her to Africa and she just couldn't ignore the signs anymore.

God, are you gonna give me a sign anytime soon?

I never knew so much could be accomplished within a span of 14hrs. Like yesterday.
Thank God for every day that I am alive and breathing.
I like the state of my room now - clean. Even the usual unreached nooks and crannies. There are photos on the floor, but it's ok, cause they're in the process of being sorted out.

Like my life.
Work in progress.

Heidi and Rolland Baker's description of Mozambique, Africa, is recalling memories of an article I read back in sec 2 about poverty. You think you know poverty. Then you read an article like it and you think, no, I do NOT know poverty.
And so you think you know tragedy.
Then you read a book like Always Enough and you realise, no, I do NOT know tragedy.

There are two ways you could respond.
Walk away unchanged.
Or allow God to do something inside your heart, something like surgery that gives you a heart of flesh.
The next step is to take action.
That's usually the hardest thing that often looks vague and flooded with uncertainty.
What?
Give up my life here to go there?

Maybe.
Maybe I will.

To the ends of the earth, remember?

To the Ends of the Earth

An old song I've forgotten.
I want my life to count.

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all You are

And I would give the world to tell Your story
Cause I know that You've called me
I know that You've called me
I've lost myself for good within Your promise
I won't hide it
I won't hide it

Jesus I believe in You
And I would go
To the ends of the earth
To the ends of the eart
For You alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
That You are God

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never ever lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

I will remember to keep my hunger for things that are not of this world.

May you enver take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

I want to get out there, where the mountains and oceans are.

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

I believe the door behind me has closed.
But I also see a door opening ahead of me.

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

If there's one thing I will never let go of, it's my faith.

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

And I know that I shall always dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance

It's the very path I am walking right now,
The road less travelled.

Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making

That is one mistake I am willing to make.

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

I pause in my tracks and breathe in the beauty of the heavens above.

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I am dancing to a different tune.
It comes from above.

One life. One love.

School's out, exams are over, ten more days to absolute freedoooommmmm!

I am so glad I went swimming and vaccuumed and cleaned my room today.
Else I'll feel like a complete slug sitting in front of the comp trying to finish goodness knows how many episodes of Boys Over Flowers.

It still amazes me how God can choose to speak through things as unlikely as this.
I am learning so much about getting on with life just by watching Korean drama serials.
Reminds me of the last time I read PS. I Love You.
Guess things really do not happen by coincidence, do they?

Some things in my life may be a mess, but now I am encouraged by the fact that things of value are those that we have gone through much to gain. I know I shall appreciate this much more in future because of what has happened. Besides, we don't realise how much something means to us until we have to fight to keep it by our side.
Of course, not forgetting that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Perhaps I won't be going very far down the path of dance, but this whole process has taught me so, so, so indefinably much.
I look back on the past two years and kinda understand why God brought me through that way. Now it's time to move on, to find something that I love to do, which will give me reason to get me out of bed every morning.
If there's anything I've learnt from my two years, it is that dance is not that thing.
I'm on the next part of my journey finding destiny :)

Breathing, living and loving it!
(even if I'm slightly cooped up in front of the screen right now)

"Why?"

I've found that when all that can be done has been done,
and when all that can be said has been said,
and all that can be explained has been explained,
...
but the pain is still there,
...
I have nothing else left to do except to ask,
"Why?"

And I am not expecting an answer.
I just need to ask why.

Read John Fischer today and am loving the way he put it in his book Love Him in the Morning.
"Sometimes I forget that Jesus cried out, "Why?" from the cross. Ever think about that? It must be ok to do this. The "Why?" question does not have to indicate lack of faith. It indicates lack of human comprehension. Sometimes even all the right answers (which Jesus obviously knew) don't touch the pain, and "Why?" is the only thing you can say. To me, Christ's "Why?" from the crpss translates to something like, "I knew this was coming, and I know what it's for, but I had no idea it was going to be like this!" It's an entirely human cry that does not cancel out faith."
- John Fischer

她就这样，一不小心地中标了。

I want to remember you, but it's getting harder and harder.
Perhaps in another 365 days, I'll have no memory left of you.







As if.

I Hope You Dance

As long as I have the impetus to dance, I know I will keep on dancing.
The dance pauses, but it never ends.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I know that when I get a choice to sit it out or dance,
I will always choose to dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance too.

Slip discs happened to people around you.
It just doesn't happen to you.

But sometimes it does.
And you're left reeling.

What can you do?


Especially if you still want to dance...

Is it funny to not realise how much you want to dance until you can't?

Impetus...to dance!

Impetus
1. An impelling force, an inmpulse
2. The force or energy associated with a moving body


If I start a dance crew of my own, I will call it Impetus.
That's copyrighted!

If you are
1. In love with Jesus
2. In love with dance
3. Would like to make both known

Then I am looking for you :)

Thea and Jo-ann prayed for me at prayer meeting today.
It was smashingly awesome.
You know those moments when the clouds part and something from heaven reaches down?
Yeah. That.

I am so floored by my wretchedness and the love of God for unworthy creatures like us.

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
So I will dance with Cinderella
I don't wanna miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

I don't wanna go.
I don't want this dance to end.
I used to think I knew who my prince and my king was.
Now I realise they could very well be the same person.

Confession...

I watched Confessions of a Shopaholic :)
Apparently some girls come out from the cinema after that and start feeling like a shopaholic.
I think I did.
But it lasted for a grand total of 30mins tops.
Plus I made a no clothes no shoes no bags no accesories new year resolution.
So far I've only gotten clothes for CNY and a pair of slippers cause my shoes and socks were soaked through and I still had 6hrs more at the conference.
I think it's real funny when they did the shopaholics anonymous thing :)
Ooooh...and the way she paid back Derek Smeath was positively hilarious.
The feel good part even before the movie started was that my friend skipped class to watch it with me!
I think I'm a rebel at heart.
Ahah.
Not really.
More like a rule-bender.
I think it's an Avelyn thing.
Rules are meant for bending.
Ok not really.
I just like a bit of room for spontaneity.
And randomness :)

His Love.

My arms are still shaky from lugging the box home.
From the bus stop at SAFRA to anchorpoint, I stopped a grand total of 7 times.
While I was resting next to the entrance of anchorpoint, this very nice gentleman offered to help me carry my box home.
THANK GOD for that!
Else I won't be writing for awhile.
Even soaping myself was a challenge - my arms felt like lead, like dead limbs with no feelings.

There's too much happening these days.
I don't know where to start untangling my thoughts from first.
All I know, is that I am very much loved.
And I wouldn't be at all if not for the grace that redeemed me.
That really puts things in perspective.
I need to remember it's not what I do.
It's who I am and Who I belong to.

The Life in the Deathly Hallows

Couldn't sleep last night.
Started re-reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Loving every bit of it.

I know there's been a big hullaballoo over the whole witchcraft and wizardry thing.
Well honestly, I am a fan of the fact that the story plays like a huge saga parallel to this universe. Think Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings.
I'll probably get stoned by fundamentalists for even dari ng to suggest something like that, but the feeling's mutual.
No not that way - I'm not violent.
Just hope to get them to see from this point of view.
I bet they'll have a fit if you put them in an art gallery of contemporary art.

I think if we dared to let Harry Potter and his world into our lives, we discover the essence behind every one of the seven books, which is of courage, goodness, loyalty, sacrificial love and the triumph of light over darkness.
Of course, if your kid start dabbling in the dark arts, that'll be worrying.
But until then, give them a chance to read about the goodness of the world in a parallel that will engage them because it speaks on the same frequency as them.

If I wanted my ten year old to know about love and goodness, I wouldn't give her essays on intellectual discussions of it.
I also wouldn't give her C. S. Lewis (I'd save him for her later years).
I'll give her Harry Potter, and she'll also get to appreciate the beauty of literature in the process.

...there is Jesus.

For every moment of loneliness, there is Jesus.
For every heartache, there is Jesus.
For every shattered dream, there is Jesus.
For every broken wing, there is Jesus.

For every dance, there is Jesus.
For every song, there is Jesus.
For every starry night, there is Jesus.
For every moment of restedness, there is Jesus.

For every battle to be fought, there is Jesus.
For every death to be conquered, there is Jesus.
For every wanderer to be brought home, there is Jesus.
For every sinner to be saved, there is Jesus.

He is the beginning, the end all.

I'm going for my MRI scan tomorrow.
Don't know what to expect, but hey, God's Sovereign and He's got my back :)

Oh and, Jesus,
Please heal Jon Ji and let him regain his sight fully!
Please also heal Shze Hui so that she won't have to go for that scary op.
And finally, please allow me to finish this course...
Amen.

The Alchemy of Redemption

Here's an old song that is entirely appropriate.

So what can I say?
And what can I do?
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
_________________________________

Through an old video and an old book, God sends His rescue.
About 7 hours ago, I was vexed and crying tears of frustration on the bench down at the clubhouse as I explain the predicament I was in to Shwing.
A couple of hours later, I was rewatching the skit to Everything by Lifehouse.
If you need to be moved, be touched, rediscover a love you thought you knew but had somehow lost, and if you need to cry, go watch it.
Over dinner about 4 hours ago, I was reading Finding God in Unexpected Places, which I had been reading before I lent Mu Gen as I had reader's block* and could not finish the book.

"Because the deepest strength comes only through testing...I have learnt that faith means trusting in advance what willl make sense only in reverse...
Not even the murder of God's own son could end the relationship between God and human beings. In the alchemy of redemption, that most villianous crime became a day we now call Good friday."
Philip Yancey, Finding p.224

"I once viewed foreknowledge as a "genie in a bottle" gift of magic that afoords the recipient an enviable advantage. I now see it as a rather demanding test of faith. David in exile dreaming of his coronation, Hezekiah debating fifteen-year plans, the apostle Paul riding out a Mediterranean storm, even Jesus praying in gethsemane - all had special foresight into what end awaited them, but that hardly made the process any easier. It takes an extra measure of faith to endure with patience and obedience the long hours or years that precede whatever future you know about in advance. Ask the Old Testment prophets."
Philip Yancey, Finding p.232

Well, I suppose that puts me on par with alot of people.
________________________________

So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Truly, I have nothing mroe to say than to offer my life, once again, up to You.
Even though that still isn't quite enough, it is all I have.



*Reader's block is particular to the book you're reading. One tends to experience it when you're
1. Reading a book at the wrong time
2. At a section of the book you're not supposed to read yet

The Here and The Now

"So breathe it and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment"
Steven Curtis Chapman

Thanks guys for the CD. Love the songs :)
_________________________________

I must be insane to be up at this hour.

My days are getting...messy.
There's so much churning and churning inside my head.
Was I sane in taking on so much?
God, was it Your plan all along?
I've no idea what I'm doing.
I sure hope You do.

I know You do.

Major decisions, major commitments.
Left, right, center;
Up, down, front, back.
I'm squashed.

...
---
...
That's S.O.S. in morse code for you.

"You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me."
Psalm 139:5

Oh Lord, You are my God.
My trust is in You.

Ker-plat!

Killed a fly today in studio H.
Killed a long-legged mosquito in my bathroom today.
Could that be considered a skill?

Day 9 of 21-hood

"You are not defined by you abilities, but by your decisions."
Albus Dumbledore wisely said to Harry Potter.
The difference between Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter is that Harry Potter said, "Not Slytherin', not Slytherin'!"
__________________________________
Dance workshop at Loudfest was goooood!
I'm regaining my confidence.
It's been so subtle all along that I didn't realise it but...
Verbal abuse!
How does it feel to have someone verbally diminish your self worth twice a week for 24 weeks?
And I didn't even think anything was going wrong.
Now that the truth is out, I feel SO FREE!
Anyway, discovered that lyrical hip hop is my thing :)

Summer frost was nice. I wanna try milk flavour with chocolate sauce next time.
Thanks God for Mu Gen, who seems aptly placed in my life at the right moements to help me make up my mind to stick to decisions I've made (which I always start un-making after awhile).
Such as not buying the Loudfest tee (not for any other reason save I made a new year resolution not to spend any money on clothes, shoes, bags, accessories etc.). I really like the pink one actually.
Yeah I bought a pair of Giselles, but that's cause my shoes were soaked through, my socks were soaked through, and it was starting to get itchy and uncomfortable.
And for going to Mas Kuning tonight.
I've forgotten the loveliness of solitude at the playground area.

Project NSA (no strings attached) is coming along fantabulously!
Thank God for foodforthought, for Auntie Puat Fong, Uncle Alick, Pastor Alvin and Tze Cin! For supporting this and making it possible.
Thank God for Esther and Jordan and Sam for standing in the gap with me.
__________________________________
In need of direction for two major things in my life.

I wanna dance.
I so wanna do Bleeding Love.
And...is it just me or is my dream getting ressurrected?

Song of the Moment

过去的批评嘲讽 let it go, let it go
过去的轻蔑冷落 let it go, let it go
有些人口不饶人 却忘了瞧瞧自己又有什么资格

时刻都善良待人 let's move on, let's move on
时刻都做好本分 let's move on, let's move on
有些人心思浅薄 绝不是宽容自暴自弃的理由

也许 确实也受过言语打击
也许 从来也没什么好际遇
千万别将勇气深锁在阴影里
我们又不妨碍这世界继续美丽

我知道我变漂亮了 我知道我被注意了
曾难过 曾失落 微笑一下就过
外在的美貌容易戳破
内在的美好细水长流

我知道我变漂亮了 我直道我也豁达了
不自卑 不埋怨 就算还差一点点
用内涵弥补一切缺陷
内在的美迷住每个人的眼

Thank you for the memories.

Truly, I thank every single one of you for the most splendid night I've ever had in all 21 years of my life.

Daddy and Mummy,
For burning a big hole in your pockets with the food, room and decor stuff.

Joyce, Steph and Sam,
For coming over on Sunday to do all the cutting and tying.

Joyce, Steph, Belle and Daddy,
For helping to get the decor done and setting up in time.

Yan Hui and Yong Xin,
For helping this Cinderella attend her ball looking like royalty.

Shirley 姨姨 and 姨丈,
For the gorgeous bouquet and the humongously delicious cake!

婆婆 and Shirley 姨姨,
For the lovely necklace that came at just the right moment :)

公公, 婆婆, 星星, Janna 姐姐 and Melissa 表姐,
For seeing me through 21 birthdays and always being there.

Derrick,
For gracing my party with his awesome guitar-playing skills.

Suyin,
For inspiring me to do this whole thing in the first place.

Shwing,
For standing by me (literally) and singing with me so that I had the courage to do what I did.

Ria,
For the long distance call in the middle of the party, which made me scream with joy :)

Ivan,
For helping me to capture my memories in such professional fashion.

Sarah W,
For the trouble of getting me the amp.

Ian,
For getting the mics to work.

Joanne, Olie, Shwing, Meimei, Belle, Steph, Joyce W, Mich, Joyce K, Sarah L, Daniel, Yong Bing, Ivan, Ian, Chris and Joash,
For the loveliest gifts, for making a big deal out of me, and for staying back to help clean up!

Edwin, Mu Gen, Bryan, Clement, Gabriel, James, Matthew, Tim, Ming Hui, Hannah and Suen,
For adding loads of fun and laughter and life :)

Joylynn,
For rushing down (I'm sorry you got a little lost!) and for putting alot of love into your gift.

Cassandra,
For all things beautiful, including the necklace that I am absolutely in love with, and your words in my guestbook that nearly made me cry.

Daniel and Hei Man,
For being friends I want to remember for life (love your gift!)

Hanna,
For asking me for my wishlist and really getting me shower gel from The Body Shop :)

Jia Yin,
For coming in on such short notice, and for a really thoughtful gift.

Jessica,
For being there.

Yi Jun,
For biking down in a rush and humoring me with his usual antics.

Everyone present,
For surprising me with the cake and song (you guys were so sneaky), for allowing me to serenade you with my 2 songs, for making it such a memorable night and for making me so very glad that I had this party.

Whew!
This is waaaaay better than saying my thanks at the Academy Awards :)

the twenty-first 13 March

How do you want to be remembered?

Peanut butter and jam sandwich, with a bit of Steph's chocolate cake.
Did my daily bible reading.
Took a ride with daddy to pick up the amp from Sarah at SMU.
Rainging heavily.
Dropped off at Fast Print.
Rained had stopped.
Printed my leaves and pictures of Paris.
Went to use the toilet at block E.
Took a lift ride to avoid running into someone.
H102.
Caught a few greetings and a compliment.
Filled in semestral programme feedback forms.
Got my lovely dress from Yan Hui, Yongxin, Zu You, Ivonn, June and the foundation girls.
Guess that settles my wardrobe woes for tomorrow :)
Strawberry milk tea from Sweet Talk.
Lunch at Jap-Western restaurant in Bugis Junction.
Short walk over to food for thought.
Waited briefly for David.
Plans for Project NSA settled.
Exhilarated.
Heads to Bugis mrt.
Stops to read one-frame comics.
Meets Steph at Vivocity box office for The Tale of Despereaux.
Bought popcorn and drink.
Loved loved loved the movie.
Stirred up feelings of longing for...so many things.
A countryside, a castle, a princess.
We're all born with princesshood written onto our hearts.
Courage, honor, gentleman, knight in shining armour.
We all dream of being rescued by one.
Despereaux dared to be different.
And yes, there is nothing quite as powerful as forgiveness.
A trip to Daiso.
Queued at Marche.
Read a bit of Disappointment With God (second read).
Felt Him in the air, in the wind, in everything around me.
I know He is real.
Dinner with parents.
Nice rosti and crepe.
Cable car ride.
Singing Lemon Tree in chinese.
Stopped at The Jewel Box.
Nicest toilet I've been to.
Back in the car, back home.
24 sms birthday greetings.
A few more on facebook.

It could've been an eventful or non-eventful day, depending on how you look at it.

Standing at the washbasin in the ladies outside Marche after dinner, it occurs - no, it becomes clearer to me, that the worth or value of an object is determined by how wanted it is. Consequently, the worth of a person is determined by how loved he or she is.
When people know that they are loved, they are no longer the same.
Love changes our worth.
Now what if you knew you are dearly loved by the God of the universe?

25 sms greetings.
26.

How do you want to be remembered?
I want to be remembered by the lives I touch and the love I give.

Two Songs and More

"...and should my dreams fall through,
I will be safe with You."
How You Love Me, Bebo Norman

Auntie Lily says I'm brave.
Never thought of myself that way.
Am I really?
Guess I never thought of my sufferings as requiring bravery.
Elisabeth Elliot writes in The Path of Loneliness, that enduring suffering takes courage too.

"Follow You Jesus all the way up that hill
Follow You Jesus all the way up that hil
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You Lord, I will."
Yes I Will, Bebo Norman

Milestone 21

I thought back to my J1 years, remembering how I used to come across statements declaring love for God.
"Jesus, I love you."
Plain and simple.
And I would think, really? Could I really say that without any uncertainty?
I realised I loved Jesus with all the head knowledge up here, but not with my heart.

"Those who say that they believe in God yet neither love nor fear him, do not so much believe in Him but in those who have taught them that God exists. Those who believe that they believe in God, but without any passion in their heart, any anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God-idea, not in God."
-Miguel de Unamuno

Now I'm bordering on the age of 21.
I'm thankful, almost exhilarated to say, that somewhere between then and now, my heart has experienced that which my head acknowledged
Without a shred of doubt, I declare that I love Jesus with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life, and I shall but love him better after death.

I have anguished and doubted, despaired and received consolation, and my life continues to be plagued with the likes of these.
And yet, unwavering, unfailing is His love for me, which surpasses any love known to and exemplified by man.
Out of such a furnace is my Hosanna borne.
With each clinging on, each wee bit of faith, I grow stronger and more certain of my love for Jesus.

And so now I say this:
Jesus, I love you.

Lovin' Livin' Life

Dear God,

Thank You so very, very, very much for giving me a breather (even if it comes in the form of sitting out due to injuries).

Amen.
__________________________________

Party planning's coming along nicely :)
Daddy told me the caterers will bring their own table *whew* saves me the trouble of getting cardboard boxes!
I've been dated by mysterious person(s) on 11 March!
When I find out which lovely person(s) they are, they are getting a big hug.
__________________________________

Did you know that we call the fake grass patch at LASALLE the 'frass'?
So that makes a 'big hug' a 'bug'!

Day Four

I log on to the dang-blasted msn and can't find her on my contact list.
I severly dislike msn, friendster and facebook.

I hope she saw my email and will be reading these entries soon.
Just so she knows that I miss her. In a quiet corner of my heart.

Hey roomie, did you know that you're the first girl I cried so hard for?
That puts you on par with... *ahem*

Feel honoured :D

Day Three

She's gone to Aussie with my popular card.
My mum's, to be exact.

I sigh.
And wait for her to mail it back.
Hope my mum doesn't ask for it till then.

Only roomie will do stuff like that.
I laugh a little at the classic-ness of it.

Fingertips.

The pink, purple and blue nail polish is off.
I decided nail polish remover was a lot more efficient than picking it off in bits.

I don't do nails.
Except for girlfriends.
Once for birthday, once for Chinese New Year.
But mostly for girlfriends.
At least, I intend to keep it that way.

Places to Chill

Food for Thought is very very near the National Library.
Just across the street behind it.
I walked by without really noticing it, but something caused me to stop in my tracks.
I think it was the overflowing atmosphere of love and warmth in the place.
Got a nice latte at 3bucks.
Very worth it.
I think it's officially taking over Starbucks as my 'need to chill hang out place'.

Not forgetting The Decoder's Cafe at Balmoral.
Very cosy, and you get to play uber fun board games at 3bucks an hour.
They've got food and drinks too, though I haven't tried.
Waffletown happens to be nearby :)
Love the red and black sofa seats, oh-so-huggable cushions and, well, the decor's just really nice.

Starbucks is a tad higher up on the scale in terms of affordability.
But the toffee nut latte days were worth it.
Now that that's gone of the menu...
Well, it's still a nice place to be with a book.
Especially the couches - oh my goodness.

Haato has the most delicious banana chocolate ice cream at 3 bucks for the smallest cup.
Not to mention a whole host of toehr very ncie flavours.
The one at Olie's place (ridgewood condo, is it?) has couches and taboo as well :)
If you're just wanting good, slightly more luxurious ice cream at a very affordable price, they've an outlet under the same roof as Subway at Marina Square (a few more around the island).

Day Two

Was on my way to school when Sarah dropped me an sms, and somewhere at the bottom, she added that she misses Maria.
That got me started.

But know what?
She may be physically away from me, but she ain't that far really.
It's like I've got enough of her inside of me, enough of her love to not feel lonely when I think of her. I may be 'alone' from the absence of my roomie, but I'm not lonely.

Somehow, thinking about it has made me stronger.
That's when I realised that love does make you stronger.

Day One

By the time I got to the airport, a small crowd was already there. As the seconds ticked by, the crowd grew in size, and along grew the intensity of the atmosphere.

The second time I went to the toilet, I was trying to hide the fact that I felt nauseous and slightly sick in the stomach. I thought I was mad, but then I realised it was probably a result of my attempt to suppress my emotions.
And I had good reasons to.
If I'd let my emotions flow, I would've cried a new stream in Singapore at Changi ariport, so I tried to get a grip on myself. After all, there was already enough tears to go around, and she didn't need any more stress than she already had.

More time passed at an increasingly alarming rate.
I wanted to grab her arm and pull her to a corner where I could have a private word or two with her, but there were too many people around and too much going on.
She gave me a quick hug in between twenty other persons that she hugged and started inching towards departure. I wiped away the single trickle and held back the rest.
As she made her way to the other entrance, I walked ahead of the crowd, but they were too close behind and I started negotiating the fact that she was going to leave and I was not going to have my last word with her.

There was some laughter as she backed into one of the cordons, causing it to topple.
I didn't laugh.
I couldn't.
She waved goodbye and a few seconds later, she was gone.
I wanted to catch her disappearing into the crowds, but I didn't.

Family and friends starting dissipating.
A few sobs escaped, and within a few seconds, I was retching so terribly my friends grew alarmed and Meimei came to put her arms around me.

My dear roomie,
I wanted very badly to say goodbye.

Soul Calling

I pounded the floor over 1200 times.
My fist hurt. My arm ached.
But if every pound was a soul saved, it was worth it.

Knocking on heaven's door for my school.
____________________________________
To quote Suyin's song from Confessions: Life Lessons,
"What we need: a radical revelation."
I want cutting edge creativity to reach lost souls.
God's been putting ideas in my head.
Now to act.
Jesus I ask for your favour.
You said we shall do things greater than these.
Well, I'm ready to be your vessel, your hands and feet.
I'm ready to act.
____________________________________
I am haunted by
Albertine, Brooke Fraser and
If Everyone Cared, Nickelback

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible."

I can't even put the Nickelback video in words.
Go check it out yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScLQX3g0784

A Word of Advice

If you are male and fast approaching the age of 18 (or have already exceeded), this is for you.

If you want ladies to respect you, you gotta earn it.
Stop making chauvinistic comments about women, even if you are joking.
What makes you think ladies are going to hold any respect for men who put them down as weaker/overly sensitive/cannot be understood/troublesome (the list goes on)?

The whole point is not to understand women (by now you should be realising that yoiur capacity to do that is limited - very limited).
Appreciate them for their differences and when you can't fathom what's going on in their minds, leave it as one of those mysteries that differentiate us from you.

Do that, and you'd be surprised at how much better your relationships with your female friends are going to turn out.

Day 777

Jesus, you can have my everything.

I made that commitment 4 years ago.
Now I'm beginning to taste the pain of its required price.

Child, it's not too late to turn back.

No, Lord. The day I said I'm Yours, I meant what I said.
I will not take it back.
Even if it costs me this and more.
Even if it costs me my life.

He smiles, which says alot more than what words can.

This is the price to pay,
but in return, I hear his voice and I see his smile...
Sometimes, his face becomes clearer - ever so slight.
And I know it is worth it.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you...

I am lost in the embrace of his love.
And when I have fully lost myself, I am found by him.

Jesus.
Dearest name these lips shall ever utter.



I love you too.

Day 42

Thanks Joylynn! For "The Cross and the Switchblade"!
Now I've the first volunteer to help me plan my party :)

Ran into Juliano at redhill cause he was boarding at the exit I was alighting.
I'm thinking - what are the chances? I usually take bus.

I think I'm addicted to chocolate.
42 days into the year.
I've not bought chocolate for myself at all, but I've been blessed with chocolate from other sources. Only problem: I'm having withdrawal symptoms! And I just had a hershey's pie...
Oh good Lord. I need help.

Back muscles ache.
I'm working real hard in class, but my teachers can't see it, apparently.
Well at least one's been encouraging...she told me my side split has improved :)
Yan Hui's been affirming too; she tells me I've improved.
I know I still have a long way to go.
What matters is that I'm keeping my focus on the right Person.

Valentine's day is coming!
Happy birthday Joylynn!
I don't have a date, of course, but if I do, I'll date my girlfriends :)

Another day gone by in the blink of an eye.

To Die For

Dancing is not 'to die for'.
I will not 'do whatever it takes to dance'.

Because there's only one thing each of us can have that's 'to die for'.
Just ONE.

It can't be two or more, cause the day will come when both are presented before you and you are asked to choose. Then what? Do you have enough lives to die for both?
Neither do I.

So choose wisely, and choose carefully.

My 'to die for' thing is very clear.
I die for the One who died for me.
He who paid my ransom and bought my life at a price.

My Savior is to die for.
Only He is worth the giving up of my life.
In fact, He deserves my life - every single bit of me - and more.

Dance for Me.

I am NOT a dancer who is a Christian.
I am a Christian who is a dancer.
And not just any dancer - a dancer by calling.

It's getting a little hard to explain that to non-believers who think I'm in the wrong course. Honestly, if it'd been left up to me, I wouldn't be in this course either.

But that's the point.
I didn't want it to be up to me - I wanted it to be up to Jesus.

My only pain is in that I am not able to bring glory to His name by flourishing in my trade, and on top of that, I fear I smear His name with my lack of skill.
I remember those years when I worked so hard to get to the top for my own purposes. "Pain is good" had been my mantra.
But now...
If I work, I work for my Savior.
Him and Him alone be my source of motivation and strength.

I know I'm a little lost. I just need some time to find my way.

He Chose the Nails

When I think about what Jesus endured on the cross, what is an engagement ring compared to the need for billions of others to hear of the good news of salvation that is freely given through Christ?

Do you know what held Jesus on the cross?
No, it wasn't three measely nails. C'mon - he had twelve legions of angelic armies at his disposal! With a single word, he could have trashed his enemies and sent them all cowering (or repenting in dust and ashes).

It was love.
The excruciating pain was one reality.
Eternal condemnation in hell and separation from God as the fate of his beloved ones was the other.

The cross was but a weak, human-devised wooden structure that had no power whatsoever in holding captive the Son of God.
To quote Max Lucado, "He chose the nails", because he knew there wasn't any other way for us if he hadn't.

There's a thought to meditate on eh.

An Engagement Ring

In Quest for Love, one young lady prayed for a godly husband who will love the Lord with all his heart and be willing to sacrifice his own desires to carry out the work of the Lord.
She eventually met one such young man, who loved her and proposed to her. He did, however, also inform her that he will not be able to afford an engagement ring. The money is needed to advance the kingdom of the Lord, he tells her.
At first she is too stunned to respond. But when the shock has worn off, she asks herself - isn't he exactly the kind of a man she'd been praying for?

Upon reading that, I asked myself if I would be capable of making that sacrifice if I were in her shoes. The answer came after some thought.
It's not really about the engagement ring. It about a heart so set on God and His purposes, one so deeply in love with her Savior, that no other riches of this world matter.

I pray someday, I'll find a man who loves his Lord more than he loves me.
I pray someday, I'll find a man with enough character to sacrifice himself for the Lord.

Zonked Out

This is the first time I am handing in an assignment LATE.

Ok my life is officially on the edge.
I am so wiped out.
Who would've imagined that 4 long days would be swept up with visitations and mahjong and whatever else happens during chinese new years?
And so, I eagerly anticipate the weekend following a short week in school.
Well well well.
Another weekend burnt.

Not that I didn't enjoy it, and not that it wasn't spent meaningfully.
There was one trip to the airport, one trip to Gabriel's house, one trip to Meimei's house, one trip to Crest bookshop, one trip to The Pines country club, one trip to Shwing's house, one trip to Joyce Wong's house and one trip to The Art House.
On top of the usual stuff like prayer and service.
I was in ten places this weekend?!??!
Gawd.
No wonder I'm tired.

Where's my sabbath..!

Episode III

Just finished watching Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith.

I really should record the whole exchange between Obi-wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.
Anakin turned to the dark side in hopes of saving Padme, but in the end, his decision caused him to bring about the very thing he so dreaded - her death.

It's sad, isn't it.
Very timely as I ponder upon the meaning of love.
I know, I know, this four letter word has been over-examined and over-used since the beginning of time, you'll say.
No but, seriously, I don't think it's over-used at all...it's just wrongly-used most of the time!

Most people say "I love you" without really knowing the weight of what they just said.
How can they?
We human beings have such a warped notion of "true love".

"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." 1 Cor 13:6
Ahah. Here's the portion of scripture that was running through my head as Obi-wan and Anakin's conversation played on screen.
It was a slippery slope - Anakin chose the wrong path, and unfortunately, descended too far to the point of no return.
The very person he so dearly loved and attempted to save at any cost, he accused of betrayal and killed her with his own hands. And there's the catch - he was willing to save her at any cost.
Even if it meant choosing evil over righteousness.
He was blinded by a very warped version of "love", and with all the egging on by Palpitine (or Darth Sidious), he made the first wrong move by saving Palpitine from Master Windu's hands.

And there was the element of fear also.
He feared Padme's death too much to let go.
He didn't understand that some things cannot be held on to no matter how hard you try, especially when it comes to the time for someone to die.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot
This life is passing even as we speak of it.
There's an eternal life waiting for us after death though.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." Matthew 6:19-20

And here's my favourite part of the whole passage - "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

I know where my treasure is - do you?

Do you know what it's like to have someone's name carved onto your heart?
I do.

I live and breathe Jesus.
But I've got your name on my heart.

Finding God...

In the mess around me.

In my fatigue,
in my tears,
in my pain,
in my love,
in my broken body,
in my wretched heart.

Jesus you are my everything.

Our hearts are constantly enlarged by suffering.
Can't find the verse for it, but I know it's in the bible somewhere.

Guess what I read in Psalm 56?
Verse 8 says:
Record my lament;
list my tears on your scroll
are they not in your record?

Joanne says I'm speaking bible speak :)
I know God keeps my tears in a glass bottle.

More Snippets

Listening to songs like Bleeding Love makes you emo.

Oh God does he mean what I think he means..?!?!

I've had all these thoughts about God that I wanna blog, but which I forget by the time I get online.
I'm sick of blogging about me. I wanna blog about God.

Suen came for LASALLE's open house and watched me dance! Yay :)

We are so going to dance for Easter!

My roomie dearest is back!!!

Thank God for Tony.
It was like breakthrough weekend or something.
The night I chatted with him, I was close to burnout from 7 days in school and one more day to go before a break (8 days in a row). My whol left hip region was sore like anything.
Guess what?
It's recovered now.
Not fully, cause it still makes a werid clack when I rotate my leg, but my hip flexor is stronger now, which means I can hold my left leg in a la seconde for longer than before.
A miracle in God's small, quiet ways.
But this click-clacking...I think it's a lifetime mark of the time I wrestled with God.
Like Jacob.
Who wants to walk around with a limp?
But only we - people like Jacob and I - can know what it's like to wrestle with God and claim to have experienced it.

Thank God for Sam Leo.
It was powerful praying on the green grass patch.
We went for 50mins!
And covered 34 names...

freaky liner

I told Thea
"plus, all I want in return is a smile on your face"

She said it sounded scary.
I didn't think it was until I remembered The Dark Knight.

Ok maybe I should've said
"plus, all I want in return is to see you smile"

snippets

You silly girl why did you say it sounded gay when you actually really like the song and you actually think it's a brave thing to do?!
_______________________________
K-box is fun :) though I've only been, what - 5 times in my entire life?

Mah-jong is fun, only it isn;t fun cause I've played 3 sessions and so far I;ve done nothing but lose money.
And my shi san yao always gets hijacked!!!
Aaaarugh~
I can't believe it.
I actually have the luck (or lack thereof) to get shi san yao two times when I've only played 3 sessions!

Haato ice cream is the best!!!
I can totally see why chocolate banana is Olie's all time favourite
_______________________________
CS is ok fun, though the violence takes a bit of getting used to.
Then again, I'm not so sure it's a good thign to get used to it.
Dota again!
I'm getting the hang of the Dwarven Sniper, which is alot easier than Lina Inverse, though she's still prettier :P

Dark Knight Returns

It's nice not having the comp in the living room.
Feels peaceful when I get home without the visible humming of the machine :)

But it also means I don't get to use the comp until daddy buys a laptop.
Or when this room's unoccupied.
Like now.
________________________________

Watched The Dark Knight for the second time at Olie's house (played guitar hero too, but that's besdie the point).
Loved it loved it loved it.
Ok I don't love it for superhero's sake, but I love it for all the uber cool parallels we can draw between the movie and our world from the Christian point of view.

"Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn."
Alfred was describing the Joker.
Sounded alot like Satan to me.


"Why's he running, Dad?"
"Because we have to chase him."
"He didn't do anything wrong."
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight."
Sounds alot like Jesus.


[the Joker has rigged two ferries to explode, one filled with prison inmates, one with ordinary people, giving each ferry a detonator and telling them that one has to blow up the other, or he'll blow up both of them. One of the prisoners approaches the Warden, who is holding the detonator]
"You don't want to die, but you don't know how to take a life. Give it to me; these men would kill you, and take it anyway. Give it to me. You can tell 'em I took it by force. Give it to me, and I'll do what you shoulda did ten minutes ago."
[Scared, the Warden hands over the detonator. The Tattooed Prisoner looks at it, then throws it out the window]

"We really should stop fighting, we'll miss the fireworks!"
"There aren't going to be any fireworks!"
"And here... we... go!"
[Silence. Nothing happens. Confused, Joker turns to look at the clock, which shows that it's past midnight and neither of the ferries have blown the other up]
"What were you hoping to prove? That, deep down, everyone's as ugly as you? You're *alone*! "

Batman stopped Joker from blowing up the ferries, but he couldn't stop the people on the ferries from blowing one another up.


"Sometimes, the truth isn't enough. People need to have their faith rewarded."
"The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming."

lost and found

Ok this is random but...

I was running an errand at Far East Plaza and was planning to drop by Livia cause I couldn't find my brown and white hair-tie anywhere (school is starting soon and it's the only one that's tight enough to hold my hair in place when I dance).

But.

The shop had closed down.
And since I was pressed for time, I decided to leave it for another time.

(here's the second but) But.

I just had this feeling that it'll work out alright.
And it wasn't any old feeling.
It's that feeling of divine-ness.

A few days later, I find it in my pocket.
My brown and white hair-tie.

God's not only in the big things.
He's in the small things too!

CHRISTmas

These few days have been a crazy mass of events, one after another.

Venue hopped from Mu Gen's house to Mas Kuning (which I've not visited in aeons) then home then out again to church (KCPSS) and PS followed by CCIS in the dhoby area; home again, out for an appointment at AH (I gotta be more diligent about my exercises) and home to decor the living room (climbing up and down to get the lights up - they look quite nice, I must say). Yesterday I had my first Christmas party at home (I say first cause I don't think I've ever organized one on my own) and today I'm back at Jens' for the yearly tradition.

This year, I'm determined to make Christmas mean more than parties and shopping and presents. Defnitely NOT about Santa.

Brought my book (Finding God in Unexpected places by my fave author, Philip Yancey); am hoping to steal away for a bit of time on my own (as do always).

I never knew this (or maybe I did), but I'm a loner at heart.

It's not the same being alone and lonely though.

Before Jesus, it was mostly lonely.

Nowadays, it's lovely aloneness called solitude.

Merry CHRISTmas :)

Avey loves...

Do you know what it's like to think and move like a 4 year old?

It's strange, but I was like trapped in a 4 year old state of mind.
I couldn't talk 'adult', and I couldn't quite control my movements either.
But perhaps 'trapped' is the wrong word.
It was quite enjoyable, frankly.



When you're 4 years old, the answers are alot simpler.
But simple in a good way.
I think as we grow older, we complicate things that are actually really very simple.

Photo Spam

I'm adding the photos I like now, bit by bit :)

007

I like the new seriesd of 007 movies!
Daniel Craig makes a better James Bond, in my opinion.
No doubt Pierce Brosnan is more refined and chaarming, but Craig's appeal comes in his ruggedness. And I like that the directors keep him real in Casiona Royale and Quantum of Solace. He's actually a vulnerable human, not some scratch free superspy actor on film.
Not to mention the moves are alot more kick ass in the new movies.

17 Dec 2008

...was a very nice day.

Went to watch Wild Child with James, but the timing had changed, so we ended up watching Twilight instead (causing me to bust my movie budget cause it's not off the no free list yet). It wasn't that great, but oh well, it was enjoyable enough.

Subway lunch! I've not eaten the tuna sub in aeons!
Had loads of time so we walked around for a bit.
Bumped into my brother.
*sigh*
When will the walls come down?
I'm living with a stranger in the house.
And every day, the layers thicken and the distance widens.
Some day, we're gonna wake up and not be able to recognise one another at all.
Oh yar, ran into Hui Ru too :)
Turns out she works nearby! Talk about coincidence.

Took bus 14 home.
Headed to Ikea for tea (but ended up with coffee instead) and an extremely satisfying read of What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey.
This is my third time reading, but God continues to make His presence felt through the pages.
Had meatballs for dinner.
Wandered around Ikea on a mini-date with my Savior King.
Went over to anchorpoint and did a bit of shopping for the Christmas party next tuesday.
Or more like snooping around, cause all I did was checked prices.

Checked my emails, downloaded some songs, now The Little Nyonya is on, so I'm off.
Just an average day :)
Or not.
At least I felt gorgeous and comfortable at the same time in my outfit.
Plus I really enjoyed my time with God.

:)
I didn't get a single thing.

slaps myself on the cheek

For Christ's sake (and quite literally speaking) I gotta get out of emo-ville!
What's wrong with me why do I always blog when I'm feeling emo!
Ok from this day onwards, I shall stop blogging only when I'm feeling emo!
I wanna blog about the happy stuff too!

snippets

Listening to emo songs and feeling very emo indeed.

"Yet everyone around me thinks I'm going crazy.
Maybe, maybe."



"When you're gone,
pieces of my heart keep missing you."


Reading stuff that makes me even more emo.


What can I do to make you believe me?
I've done everything I can, should, must, shouldn't and mustn't.
This acorn is finding it very hard to see the full glory of the oak tree.

Pleasure and Pain

Pleasure and pain are the two things in life that give you that sense of alive-ness.

So the devil, being the sneaky, crafty old liar that he is, will attempt to either take away your pleasure by introducing all kinds of sell-imposed restrictions and convince you that the way to paradise is to suffer now (think earning your way into heaven)...
OR
he will numb you to pain by lying that no one cares and that you're incapable of getting rid of the pain, so give in to things like alcohol, drugs, sex - anything that will provide instantaneous escapes. That's where addictions come in.

Jesus came that we may have life.
Life to the fullest.
Don't let the devil cheat you of the life that you have with Jesus.

PS. I Love You

Is not a chick flick, much as many would like to think.
It's about moving on when a part of you has died.
Good for any soul who is in need of strength.

Your life is a happy little thing; not perfect, but pleasant enough.
One day, something happens and you lose everything that ever meant anything to you.
Suddenly, you realise your life is hinged upon lots of things.
And none of those things are going to be around forever.



Only Jesus will always be there for you.

roomie

Just being random, but these are 2 of my favourite pictures :)

回忆

“有段时间我想到她，就希望她从来没有在我生活当中出现过。这样，我就不会那么痛苦。可是后来我发现，她在我生命中出现的这些日子，却是我最美好的回忆。”
秦朗

我不也曾这样想过？

An Acorn

"It is easy to make a mistake here. "If God gave it to me," we say, "it's mine. I can do what I want with it." No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go off - if we want to find our true selves, if we want real Life, if our hearts are set on glory.
Think of the self that God has given us as an acorn. It is a marvelous little thing, a perfect shape, perfectly designed for its purpose, perfectly functional. Think of the grand glory of an oak tree. God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. His intention for us is "...the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ." Many deaths must go into our reaching that measure, many letting-goes. When you look at the oak tree, you dont feel the "loss" of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your lifr, the less terrible will the losses seem."
Passion and Purity, Chapter 38 - "God Granted and God Denied"

The King's Love

"Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden," begins a story by Kierkegaard.

The king was like no other ing. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted love for a humble maiden.
How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his very kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist - no one dared resist him. But would she love him?
She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind. Would she be happy at his side? How could he know?
If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing suubject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross over the gulf between them.

"For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal," concluded Kierkegaard. The king, convinced he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend. He clothed himself as a beggar and approached her cottage incognito, with a worn cloak fluttering loosely about him. It was no mere disguise, but a new identity he took on. He renou nced the throne to win her hand.


Excerpt from "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey.

Bleeding Love

Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking 'round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that their goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

Everything

Everything by Lifehouse.
Check this out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Mu Gen said he cried all 3 times when he watched it.
I've only watched it once so far, but I cried like a baby anyway.

她说‘爱’是个...

她说：“我做不到的，她都帮我做到了，我应该感激她才对。”

我还能怎么办？
由他去吧。
束缚牵强的爱，不算爱。

若‘她’真的能够让你幸福，
那么，
就让她来做我做不到的事吧。

Quoted

"God knows that I could very well just turn around and abandon Him at any point of time, and hurt Him again and again. He probably knows that the world thinks He's an idiot for accepting me back again and again even though I keep ending up hurting Him. But guess what? That's the great thing about Him and that's the reason why I love Him as my Lord and Saviour - He doesn't give up on me."
- Heian Edenwood

Thanks for the email dude.
It came really timely.
And I love this quote, so I'm posting it here :)
Hope you don't mind!

B-U-S-Y

Oh goodness gracious me I open my mailbox and find this email from Kornelius.

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons.
In his opening address he said, "We can't keep Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with their saviour. Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners. BUT steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ..."

"This is what I want you to do," said the devil,
"Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!"

'How shall we do this?' his demons shouted.

"Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered, "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow."

"Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children."

"As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work! Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice."

"Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive; to keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ."

"Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers."
"Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day."
"Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes."

"Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives."
"Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night."
"Give them headaches too!"
"If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere. That will fragment their families quickly!"

"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas. Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and power over sin and death."

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive."
"Have them return from their recreation exhausted."

"Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead. Keep them busy, busy, busy!"
"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences."

"Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause."
"It will work!"
"It will work!"

It was quite a plan! The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busier and more rushed, going here and there. Having little time for their God or their families. Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives. I guess the question is, has the devil been successful in his schemes? You be the judge!!!!!
Does 'BUSY' mean:
B-eing
U-nder
S-atan's
Y-oke?

*beep*

Please leave a message after the beep.

Imma blob.
Imma fish in the sea.
Feeling so lazy.
It's funny how you can be walking right one day and screwing up the next.

Well I ought not be overly surprised.
After all, we are living in enemy territory.

Whatever it is, I am determined to accomplish what I've set out to do.
*rawr*
Hear my war cry.
Haha :)

Note to Sebastz

Hey Sebastz, have you realised it yet?
The things that really matter in this lifetime are the things that will actually matter in eternity.

"I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind."
Ecclesiastes 1:14

Interesting book, Ecclesiastes.
Anyway, I think it's not too hard to identify a few things that people chase after that appear to be so important, but actually are not.
Why don't you start the list?

Wall*E

Captain: Out there is our home - Home, AUTO! - and it's in trouble. I can't just sit here and do nothing. That's all I've ever done! That's all anyone has ever done on this blasted ship - nothing!
AUTO: In space we will survive.
Captain: I don't want to survive, I want to live!
-Wall.E

Are you living or just surviving?

I don't want this holiday to go by just like that.
Every moment is precious.
Every second is a gift.
I want to make a difference with this one and a half months I have away from school.
Even if I'm not getting my heart's desire.
Even if things aren't turning out the way I want them to.
No matter.
The will is stronger.
The will that Jesus shall be my Lord.

Breathing and Living

You know you're living on nothing when
everything that matters has been taken away from you.

Either that or you're living on Jesus.

Time does an involuntary thing called passing.
My body does an involuntary thing called breathing.
So the wounds that I thought were bleeding so bad I'll fall and never get back up start to heal.
And spring comes again after the harshest winter by far.
The wildflowers are starting to blossom; the field's looking pretty again.
The sun's shining, and a sliver of hope falls at my feet from between the storm clouds, which the winds are blowing away.

I walked off this cliff awhile ago, I'm not sure when.
Sometime between A levels and my dance audition at LASALLE.
Or it might have been earlier.
Might've been the day I first heard what they call the sinners' prayer and repeated it with tears running down my cheeks.
Might've been the day I first heard the name Jesus from the preacher's lips and decided I wanted him in my life, whoever he is.
Might've been the day I got hit by the car.
How was I to know that as I got up and walked home, my life would change forever?

Little moments here and there.
They make you know life's precious, for sure.
Not just cause other people tell you so.
You know it, for real.
Deep, deep, deep down inside of you.
Experiential knowledge.

Ratatouille

"This is me. I think it's apparent that I need to rethink my life a little bit. What's my problem? First of all, I'm a rat. Which means, life is hard. Second, I have a highly developed sense of taste and smell."
Remy's opening line from Ratatouille

I liked this movie from the first time I watched it, but it's never meant so much to me before. Not till I heard this line as they played it at the Disney's specialty shop down at anchorpoint.

I know Remy's struggle! I know what it's like to be ultra hyper sensitive!
It's both a gift and a curse, depending on what you do with it.
People tag it on casually when describing someone's personality.
They don't realise the implications - how can they?

Every rose comes with thorns, every gift with a curse.
I may not now what yours is - it's probably different from mine - but we all have one for sure.
Learn how to wield it, and it's the best weapon (or tool, if you like, but I prefer to think of it as a sword :) you have in your hands.
Ignore it, and waste one of the greatest gift you'll ever get in this lifetime.
Use it carelessly, and you'll end up bringing harm - occasionally to others, but mostly to yourself.

Has anyone considered that all the untold pain and fears that we carry around with us, bundle up in the closet or sweep under the carpet might come from this - not knowing how to wield this razor-sharp sword we have?

Now might be a good time to re-examine your life and figure out how to use this gift properly :)

Hey Sebastz this verse is for you!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Matthew 6:19-21

My Everything

You know that you're no longer seeking godly things but God Himself when everything that matters to you has been taken away, but you're still clinging on to God.

Jesus, You're all that I have left.

Pink tights and black leotard

My hip still hurts.
But I did my best in class today anyway.
Yes it was quite upsetting cause my legs were slightly numb at times, and were so weak I couldn't do the double pirouettes I've come to be so proud of being capable of executing, not to mention a whole host of other things.
My left leg is so weak I can't even hold it for 3 seconds in a la seconde. I hope it's nothing to do with my muscles shrinking, cause my right leg was fine even after one week's rest. I suspect it has more to do with my injured hip ligament.
And my left leg and hip still goes a little numb when I sit for too long.


How is it that after resting, my hip is getting worse than before?
Undoing all the damage from 13 August, possibly.
I hope.
Exam's in 2.5 weeks' time.
So tell me about pressure.
Strangely, I have none.
And no, it's not cause I'm oblivious or naive. I'm not too sure what it really is though.


I need a miracle.







Oh did I mention, there's no ballet class tomorrow?

The House Bunny.

Ok.
So I was looking for a feel-good chick-flick when I bought a ticket to The House Bunny, but it exceeded my expectations on account of the fact that it's not just a brainless bimbotic act.
Believe me if you will.
This movie actually has some depth.
And I guess it was extra special cause I watched it with Sam :)
Can't think of a time when we hung out without the rest of the lovelies.

So being beautiful is really about being yourself.
Not being 'real' as in angst, shock-factor, cover-up, horror-tactics and what have you not.
That's not being real. That's hiding.
You're afraid to show who you are. You're afriad that if you tried, you might fail. You're afraid of having to deal with rejection. So you hide. And blame it on whatever it is you're hiding behind.

Be courageous.
It's time to show your real self.
Not the fake, pretensious and condescending, but also not the tough, rough and demanding.
There's something so much more underneath all of that (and goodness knows what else we like to hide behind).

Be real.
Be courageous and bold.
Be confident.
Be beautiful.

Great things.

Great things are small things attempted greatly for God.
There is greatness in the small things.


"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God..."
2 Timothy 1:6

I want to do great things for God.
I want my life to count.
I want to build my house on the rocks.
I want treasure in heaven.

What about you?
Is your life going to make a difference from the perspective of eternity?

Treaure

Your wife could never make a bad knee heal,
make the rain stop,
stretch 2 hours into 4,
make a terrible boss nicer,
turn back time,
conjure up a million dollars,
or get someone to agree with you.
But she can offer you comfort, and her being there helps make you feel better about whatever horrible situation you're stuck in.

Someday, when our relationship with God has moved beyond mere asking and lamp-rubbing, we will learn how to rest in His presence, and know what it's like to simply be with God.
His everlasting presence comforts.
The treaure God has offered to us, the one that is worth selling everything you've got in exchange for, is God Himself.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."
Matthew 13:44

Date with God

Vanilla milkshake and cheesefries.
Billy Bomber's at Marina Square.

It might be official date number two.
I don't know it's hard to keep track.

God's always on my mind.

Skipped the party and stayed up reading A Walk to Remember.
Love it love it love it.
Second time sweet.

So maybe I'll never get married.
No matter.
Dating has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

Dear Jesus,
I know You make all things beautiful in Your time.
Help me be patient.

One Hundred

I was saving this post for something special :)

I have never received so many flowers in my life for a show!
7 daisies and a sunflower - am I loved or am I loved?
It's so funny cause Ria gave me red, pink and yellow daisies, one of each, and Sam and Belle showed up later with the exact same flowers!
Girlfriends so totally rock!
Of course, the sunflower's a classic from my loving mummy and daddy who have always been there to support me :)

I'm amused that...
Mummy, Daddy, Ria, Andy, Sam, Belle, Ivan and Kingsley were all late and missed The Vacant House! (which is like, the msot important piece to me)
Yi Jun thought the show was at 8pm and missed it completely -_-;

I'm delighted that...
Suyin came to watch! What a pleasant surprise :)
And Shaun smsed me, and Kaye sent her love too!

Fall in Love with da:ns

I'm dan:nsing!
Haha everyone's wondering which language that is. I think it's just the way to pronounce it from the dictionary or something.

Can't believe so many people are coming to watch!
So excited!
Went into the studio space today for the first run.
It was marvelous marvelous marvelous!
I love the sunlight, the glass panels and the whole atmosphere of the room! It just feels awesome!

Guess what?
We're sold out on saturday!
Only 12 Oct tickets left (3 & 6 pm)

I love The Vacant House more each time we do it.

Hope my left eye heals fully before sat.
I don't want to dance with only eyeliner on my right eye!
Yan Hui was talking about how I can scrap the eyeliner and just use fake eyelashes but uh, I'd rather stick with eyeliner thanks.

Of course, friends and family aside, I know I've for a V.V.I.P. in the audience, and He doesn't even require a ticket :)

Sinking vessels

We are like sinking vessels.
God came and got rid of the water.
But we got holes, and though He can make them magically disappear with the snap of His fingers, He will not.
He's going to plug those holes with us.
One by one.
Partnership.
That means we do it with Him.

And mending those holes could get tedious, frustrating and even painful.
But you have a choice.
Allow Him to work the miracle of healing in you, or continue sinking.

I choose to plug the holes.
What about you?

I'm His Child

If I was defined as a dancer...
I am doomed.
Cause I am so not good at it.

If I was defined as a student...
I am doomed.
Cause I don't have top grades to show.
And I'm not in some prestigious institution with some prestigious scholarship.

But I am defined as my Heavenly Father's daughter.
And you know what that means?
I can't be better or worse at it.
I just am.

:)

Recycled

"Don't try
to tie me down
with commitment and emotions
with a single word
I'm not that girl from yester-year
...
So if you want to come near
you gotta ask for permission
And whatever reason
you have
I'm not the one to hear
...
Speak to the Keeper of my heart
Only He knows when I should part
with the key
Only He knows when
the time is right for me
Only He knows
who is worthy"

I wrote this?
I don't even remember!
But wow how applicable :)

625 days.
Wanna know what I'm counting?
Well I'm not telling :)

Someday I'm gonna fly...

This is hard.
Life is hard.
Dancing is hard.

But God is God and I am not :)

He's led me by the hand and helped me to make it through the whole of this week, which is really only 3 days, but it feels much longer cause every day's a struggle, every day's a battle.
The will against the body, the Spirit against flesh.
My ballet teacher says I've improved, but not enough.
I know it's so that I won't get complacent and slack off. Besides, it really isn't enough.

My Jesus deserves so much more.

Dancing as a career had looked impossible.
Now I'm rethinking my options.
Is it really not what God wills or is it just my narrow-mindedness closing the door?
I have such a hard time answering questions about what I want to do after I graduate.

But with Jesus, someday I'm gonna fly...
With him, I will fly.

Day of Ambivalence

What was I doing today?
I have no idea.
Neither here nor there.
That's how I spent my precious Sunday.

I woke up early, but got to service late.
Spent too much time on the computer, but spared a friend some trouble.
Stayed behind after service, but achieved no reconciliation.
Saw someone I wanted to see but also didn't want to see.
Brought an extra shirt, but not shoes and contact lenses.
Was at JPL, but didn't play.
Brought my notes, but didn't finish studying.
Wanted to eat at Swensen's, but ended up at Pastamania instead.
Needed to get home early, but went for dessert.

Somehow, I gotta believe that God can use even a rubbishy day like that.
Jesus I believe in you, even if my circumstances don't make sense.

婚姻，不应该是你我生命中的唯一。
我不希望婚姻是用来束缚我们彼此的。
"恶作剧2吻"

How true.
Are we too caught up with our dreams to notice reality?

I don't really understand.
My left hip hasn't healed, and then my right hip started to hurt.
Now my right foot is twisted, and I didn't think it was anything at all until I ran for the bus and felt sharp pangs.

But I'm also getting stronger.
My a la second is more than 90 degrees and I've gone down on my side split!

More of Your grace for me, Jesus.
I don't want to stop dancing.
Even if the whole world thinks I'm no good at it, I still wanna dance with You.

Cause I know it's the damn bestest thing ever.

2 Thorns and A Rose

My left hip hurts.
My right hip hurts.
I almost quit.

But I didn't.

You know what would have happened last year?
I would have danced, but inside, I would have quit, and that's half the battle lost.

Today, I found something more.
An inner strength I never knew before.
It comes from a year's training with Jesus.
Walking with Jesus.
And allowing him to be enough for me.
Allowing him to take me hand when all I really want is to sit and sulk.
To allow him to walk me even when my bruised ego is torn and tattered and wants to give up.

How am I dancing with two bad hips?
Last year, I would have said no and sat out.
This year, miraculously, I am still dancing.
Even as the teachers say things like, "you're not going to be a very good dancer even after you graduate", and things like "you need to lose weight", "you're a little too chubby", "what are you doing? that's not dancing!"
Demeaning talk? I've heard it before, all too many times.

Yes I'm still dancing.
Somewhere inside, I'm sarting to understand, for real, the difference between magic and miracles.
The quote from Evan Almighty comes, once again, to mind.

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

If someone prays to become stronger, do you think God zaps them with super muscles or does He give them the grace to train even when their bodies are not wanting to?

Iced Honey Lemon

She saw me crying and she came over.
I've never really known her, but from the first time we spoke, I felt like I've known her forever.
Kindred souls.
God places them here and there on this journey called life.
They help us when we cannot walk any longer on our own.

I am dating and I am enjoying myself.
Dating all my girlfriends is so much more fulfilling :)

Once again, I sigh.
Girlfriends - what to do without them.

How Do I Love Thee?

"I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --
and if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death."
"How Do I Love Thee?" Elizabeth Barrett Browning

One day, I shall know if true love has stood the test of time.

Without this suffering, I have no sacrifice to offer, nothing to place on the altar.
King David wouldn't offer sacrifices that cost him nothing.
Neither would I.

Perhaps love chooses to remain unseen.
And there are the times,
when it should come neither in pomp nor in flare,
but in silent stealth,
creeping upon us as should an old friend.

Alone.

There is a path we all have to walk.
Alone.
A way no one else can go with us.
But as we walk we shall find
The sweet, lovely face of Jesus.
He will lead you gently down this path,
A place where only willing souls go,
To find the person that they are.

A tumultuous journey and yet-
Necessary nonetheless
For all seekers of the truth;
If you're a seeker of the truth.

I walk this narrow path alone.
None may come with me.
Neither friend nor family,
Nor my true love,
For it's His face I seek,
My Savior's face I seek.

I walk this narrow path alone.
Bittersweet memories,
Joy, tears and all.
Perhaps none shall ever understand
Why down this narrow path I trod.
No matter, for I walk alone.
And yet, not quite.

My Savior walks with me.

Oh God oh God OH GOD!
I am exploding with joy on the inside and I just have to LET IT OUT!

I am so so so so SO darnit happy!

It's a pity I can't put the reason down here, but no matter! I am so happy just let me bask in it for a few moments more :)

Lazy Sunday

Lost terribly at mahjong today *rawr*
But roomie was being nice to me :)

The weekends don't seem long enough.
It's sunday, once again, and I still feel drained. Like I need a major refresher.
Despite the touch from God.
Just shows it's important what you do with yourself after you receive an audience with God.
You could still potentially waste your day away.
I still have 3hrs to redeem it.

WALL*E

I looooooove this movie!
He has a lot of heart for a robot :)
Wouldn't mind watching it again!

Yes I cried, which shouldn't be much of a surpirse.
A few trips to the cinema with me should be enough experience for anyone to know what makes me tear. If you knew me well enough, you'd even be able to predict the exact scenes I cry at.

But hey, what's the point of watching a good movie and not allowing yourself to be lost in it?
Of course, that's assuming it's a decent movie in the first place.
I am a little wary of watching certain blockbusters, thrillers and whatnot.
Some of those movies just ain't stuff you want to put into your mind.
But animations, for the time being, are safe.

Oh and, I love happily-ever-afters.
Who doesn't?

I guess it's cause we were made for a happily-ever-after in the first place (think Eden).
And we're still waiting for our happily-ever-after (think Jesus' second coming and heaven).

He couldn't come too soon.
Still stuck on saturday, the day in between death and ressurection.