I wish I wrote more worthy things, more worthy of You.

How do I love Thee?

I confess that I don't love You like I should, but then again, how should I love You?
How should I love One for whom I have no words for?
He is Word Himself.

In those moments few and far in between, I catch a glimpse of You and though it is never enough, it keeps me going.

I don't revere You like I ought to, and I ought to. A naked love isn't enough; a naked love holds no sacredness in its heart and therefore has no reverence for God.

It's got to be more than just naked love.

Saying 'goodbye' and then a 'hello' :)

This is really interesting.
Someone's found a long lost person via my blog! And i was just ranting randomly when I put his full name!
Is this what Einstein meant when he said that coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous?

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I wonder if Julie Powell is really like how Amy Adams portrayed her to be in real life.
It'll be cool to meet her and have a coffee or something, or better yet, sit down to a meal by her :)
Not the frozen beef jelly thing though. It looks and sounds gross, and probably tastes gross too.

I'm doing a lot of things for the first time this year. Well since the year is drawing to a close soon, I suppose this is, in a way, my yearly reflection.

I've cut my hair bob-style (the concave, currently popular version), soft-bonded it (which is as far as I'd go, I think - dyeing it is still out of bounds), had one and a half rides on a byke (my version of motorcycle in short form), made my first frap (and got hooked onto Starbucks coffee), run a hundred thousand dollar carnival, joined the worship ministry, did a flashmob (though it flopped in terms of being a surprise, the dance itself was still fab), revived a dead ipod mini, got a mac, made Malay friends, stayed up all night twice in a semester to finish work (an experience I care not to repeat), healed a broken heart, fallen in love again (it's a new experience every time), went to Zouk with classmates, got two pairs of new specs within two months (they're turquoise, not green!), earned my own keep, gone on the Flyer, won a t-shirt design competition, owned my first pair of Timberlands...

It's been a good year.

Hi 2011, I see you're dropping by for a visit very soon :)

300

Let's make it something significant.

Once in a lifetime, the trail of hints in your life add up to form an image of epiphanical proportions and suddenly, it hits you like a truck going at 120km/hr, knocking the air out of you but leaving that sweet, sweet delight of knowing why and what you were made for.

You just know when you've got the right thing.
It clicks.
A six-letter word that best captures the feeling of it. Whoever said you need big words to be accurate?

I know what to do with my life.
And that's a humongously empowering thing to know.

The Reverberation of Silence

Being in the world can sometimes make you feel very, very lonely.

Why do I still feel like a druggy in need of the next fix?
Is there anybody out there?
Somebody who knows the same ache?
How is it that we can argue ten minutes into a sendoff?
Why is it that nobody wants to talk?
Why is the wall thicker between family than strangers sometimes?
Is there a place to hang the soul?
Is it bad to hang it on a blog?
Why aren't the answers that were enough no longer so?
Do we outgrow answers too?
Is there a bottom to this longing?
How did Robinson Crusoe survive the first few years alone?
Would having your own island really make things better?
Would getting too close to someone make you discover something that repels you?
Why is it that we're either not close enough or too close to people?

Questions with no answers.
Answers that can't be known by me in this moment.

Frothier

The anticipation of something new and exciting about to take place sits lightly like froth atop a well shaken drink as I peer into the next chapter of my life while holding my hands steady on the steering wheel as I navigate the present.

Why do I always sound so poetic?

There's simplicity in the thing profound too :)
But to get there, first we gotta dig a little deeper...

Bring Me to Life

I need to know that I'm alive.

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How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
- Bring Me to Life, Evanescence

Post-it 1

Two cups of tall, caramel frappe with coffee jelly and I walked down Kallang mrt stairs like a fainthearted who just went seven times on Lethal Weapon.
And I am no fainthearted.

140 characters.

A smattering of goodbyes here and there...

I still feel lost some days and wonder what my life is about.

Heaven has been becoming more and more of a reality.

Shared a C-size frolick with my brother, oreo, strawberries and all.

Tomorrow Wed Wed leaves.
I hope I save enough money to travel to Beijing next year.

I want to paint something in acrylic on a canvas soon.

I put God on the backseat again tonight.
Wish I'd stop doing this.

Love can be...agonizing at times, but the only other options are far too unthinkable.

Cultural and Contextual Class on 20 August 2010.

Quinquagenarian refers to a fifty year old man

The things we learn.

Fear of the Unknown

So I gave some a good laugh over my candy bar episode, but really, I think it drives a deeper point here.

Firstly, it's the fear of the unknown or unfamiliar.
Secondly it's the overwhelming proportion of it going beyond my capacity to handle the situation that causes panic.
The first alone is insufficient cause; only when I feel as though I've lost a handle on the situation does the panic start to surge in, and with it comes a natural increase in stress levels.

Some of you may be shaking your head - whoever thought one could go bonkers over a new macbook (pro) and the candy bar application (add an overwhelming number of keyboard shortcuts to that list - did I mention that the mac being too smart can seriously impair one's health)?
But I guess when you couple that with the new study environment as well as this whole design culture thing that I need to sink my fingers into it can really, REALLY throw one off balance.

So the thing to be done now is to rationalize away some of the fear, give myself some time to adjust, forget about wanting to master the macbook pro and settle with decent efficiency, and set all my icons back to default and try the candy bar thing another time.

Admitting one's arrogance can actually be rather humbling.
Firstly, I gotta admit that I pride myself on being decently savvy with technology (the limited spectrum that I choose to come into contact with - did I mention I'm anti-tech?) and do not like to think I am not utilizing something sufficiently. So maybe I felt like a semi-pro with laptops, thus getting thrown into the world of macs can be super unnerving because the mac is too smart to be mastered the way I can master your average computer.
The bottom-line is finding out that you're not that fab at something you think you're kinda fab at can either sink one into a depressive state, or you can rise to the challenge and learn some humbling lessons along the way.

I've always been able to figure things out on my own when it comes to computers. Don't like having to consult people on things I think I am supposed to be able to figure out on my own.

Wow. I can actually write an essay on this one.
Bemusement aside, guess I just want to assimilate this lesson (and feelings of being crippled) as part of life's learning experiences and move on.
I know I will, with a little time.

And if you see me stressed up about my macbook (pro) and school, just give a sympathetic nod and try not to make me feel lousier about myself, thanks.

Posted on my new macbook pro.

My Life in Checklists

What do you tell two young minds who are feeling the hopelessness of the world?
In trying to make sense of the world we live in, we will continually hit roadblocks unless and until God is your reference point. Colossians 1:16.

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Apply for new passport.
Check.
Collect new passport.
Pending.
Change learning portal and lasalle email account password.
Check.
Buy paper for next studio class.
Check.
Figure out how to bold text using keyboard shortcut on mac.
Check.
Upload mobile photos to facebook and tag.
Pending.
Re-arrange book shelf.
Check.
Transfer files to mac.
Check.
Transfer favourite sites to mac.
In progress.
Reply emails.
In progress.
Open new bank account.
Pending.

My life in a checklist.

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Needing to adjust to too many things and having a sudden influx of unexpected experiences can really derail one from her peace. Hope normality is restored soon. Don't fancy over-exposing my nerves to stimulation.

In-between moments where you're neither here nor there

The lack of posts probably says something about my life as much as my posts do.

Tomorrow I go back to school.
It's been one looooonng break :)
I'm happy to be going back.

Sometimes all you need is a little courage to walk on.



I hope to be doing this in a very short while.

*disclaimer: I don't know how the post title turned out to be so long, but it started out with two words, really, and the rest kinda filled themselves in. I'm not really 'neither here nor there'. As a matter of fact, I am living out the moment and enjoying it very much, and I also happen to know where I am going, whether in the short term sense or in the long term sense.

C. S. Lewis says the present moment is the point where time touches eternity.
I think he is absolutely brilliant.

muse

What did people do before the days of email?

Soldiers

Foxy is hard at work, which motivates me to work hard too :)

Much to do in the office, but starting the day off in prayer helps us to stay centered on God and focused on the ministry at hand.

A good reminder this morning that God doesn't shift obstacles - He gets us right through them.
I will press on.
I've got Xingqi, Rae, Wednesday and Chee Onn with me.

A Dusting Off

After a long day at work (with an extended meeting pushing way beyond the limits of my mental capacity), I was crossing the overhead bridge outside 4 How Sun Drive when I snapped out of my reverie just in time to see 28 approaching at a speed too fast for me to catch. Still, banging on a glimmer of hope, I gave chase.

The result?
Stuck at the bus stop, past 8pm, hungry, emotionally drained, mentally exhausted and now physically worn out as well. I slumped onto the seats and wondered if something is out against me.

Raising my thoughts to God, I asked if the arrangement had to be this accurate - being in deep thought, the sandals, no one getting on or off at the stop, the red light that turned green just as I neared...all these contributing the loss of precious seconds that just might have resulted in a different outcome for my endeavour to catch the bus.

Still, in the moments that ensued, I willed my will, against all odds, to find the new center of peace that I have recently discovered. The act itself takes effort from every mental fibre available to shut out distractions, resist plugging into music, not sink into self-pity or any other equally destructive emotion, and basically disallow the mind to wander into any other grounds except the one place where peace is to be found.

Slowly, as laboured breathing evened out, the thought that God goes to extreme lengths at times to catch our attention or force us to slow down brought a smile, and I found my soul being unshackled from the weight of the world. Oddly enough, the next bus that came was neither 93 nor 158. It only confirmed my presupposition that it had been part of His orchestration all along.

The brief interruption to a daily routine, though not entirely desired, was much needed. In those few precious minutes, I regained the heart of gratitude as I relinquished the burden of work and minsitry into the loving Father's hands through a spot of meditation. By the time the following 28 came rumbling along, my soul and spirit had been refreshed and I was ready to head home after dinner to prepare for the following day of work.

Each day, it seems, we pick up dirt and dust that forms part of our baggage. It takes a bit of lingering the presence of God to clear this baggage. I'm beginning to see the necessity of starting and ending the day right with God, and this cannot be done without entering His presence and allowing Him to change us.

Be still and know that He is God.

Former Glory

No weeping
No hurt or pain
No suffering
You hold me now

No darkness
No sick or lame
No hiding
You hold me now
-Hillsong

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All of creation groans, longing for the promised day of delivery.
Someday we shall all be restored to our former glory, to what we were once created to be.

Perhaps I have been broken so that I may not take every dance for granted, but be thankful for the grace that allows me every opportunity to ascribe Him glory through this God-given tool.

Ah...the beauty of movement.

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You said, "I AM."

The Freedom of Being Man

There is no absolute truth.
In that case, the statement that 'there is no absolute truth' is not true either.
So if it's not true that there is no absolute truth, then either there IS absolute truth, or we are unable to know if there is absolute truth.

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Man are funnny creatures.
Birds are born with wings, so they fly.
Fish are born with tails and fins, so they swim.
Horse and gazelles and cheetahs, they run.
But man, oh no, only man, is not content to be what he was created to be.*

But for the man who has learnt to be content being man, ahhh...is there not freedom in that?


*And angels too. A third of them, apparently, now cast out of heaven.

Quotable Quotes

"Saints become saints by somehow clinging to the stubborn conviction that God deserves our trust, even when it looks like the world is caving in."
- Philip Yancey, I Was Just Wondering

To be commanded to love God, let alone in the wilderness, is like being commanded to be well when we are sick, to sing for joy when we are dying of thirst, to run when our legs are broken. But this is the first and great commandment nonetheless. Even in the wilderness - especially in the wilderness - you shall love him.
- Frederick Buechner (as quoted by Philip Yancey)

"After two weeks of reading the entire Bible, I came away with the strong sense that God doesn't care so much about being analyzed. Mainly - like any parent, like any lover - he wants to be loved."
- Philip Yancey, I Was Just Wondering