Alabaster Jar

2010-12-11T13:31:00.001+08:00

I wish I wrote more worthy things, more worthy of You.

How do I love Thee?

2010-12-11T13:27:00.003+08:00

I confess that I don't love You like I should, but then again, how should I love You?
How should I love One for whom I have no words for?
He is Word Himself.

In those moments few and far in between, I catch a glimpse of You and though it is never enough, it keeps me going.

I don't revere You like I ought to, and I ought to. A naked love isn't enough; a naked love holds no sacredness in its heart and therefore has no reverence for God.

It's got to be more than just naked love.

Saying 'goodbye' and then a 'hello' :)

2010-12-03T16:17:00.004+08:00

This is really interesting.
Someone's found a long lost person via my blog! And i was just ranting randomly when I put his full name!
Is this what Einstein meant when he said that coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous?

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I wonder if Julie Powell is really like how Amy Adams portrayed her to be in real life.
It'll be cool to meet her and have a coffee or something, or better yet, sit down to a meal by her :)
Not the frozen beef jelly thing though. It looks and sounds gross, and probably tastes gross too.

I'm doing a lot of things for the first time this year. Well since the year is drawing to a close soon, I suppose this is, in a way, my yearly reflection.

I've cut my hair bob-style (the concave, currently popular version), soft-bonded it (which is as far as I'd go, I think - dyeing it is still out of bounds), had one and a half rides on a byke (my version of motorcycle in short form), made my first frap (and got hooked onto Starbucks coffee), run a hundred thousand dollar carnival, joined the worship ministry, did a flashmob (though it flopped in terms of being a surprise, the dance itself was still fab), revived a dead ipod mini, got a mac, made Malay friends, stayed up all night twice in a semester to finish work (an experience I care not to repeat), healed a broken heart, fallen in love again (it's a new experience every time), went to Zouk with classmates, got two pairs of new specs within two months (they're turquoise, not green!), earned my own keep, gone on the Flyer, won a t-shirt design competition, owned my first pair of Timberlands...

It's been a good year.

Hi 2011, I see you're dropping by for a visit very soon :)

300

2010-09-26T23:50:00.002+08:00

Let's make it something significant.

Once in a lifetime, the trail of hints in your life add up to form an image of epiphanical proportions and suddenly, it hits you like a truck going at 120km/hr, knocking the air out of you but leaving that sweet, sweet delight of knowing why and what you were made for.

You just know when you've got the right thing.
It clicks.
A six-letter word that best captures the feeling of it. Whoever said you need big words to be accurate?

I know what to do with my life.
And that's a humongously empowering thing to know.

The Reverberation of Silence

2010-09-20T23:36:00.002+08:00

Being in the world can sometimes make you feel very, very lonely.

Why do I still feel like a druggy in need of the next fix?
Is there anybody out there?
Somebody who knows the same ache?
How is it that we can argue ten minutes into a sendoff?
Why is it that nobody wants to talk?
Why is the wall thicker between family than strangers sometimes?
Is there a place to hang the soul?
Is it bad to hang it on a blog?
Why aren't the answers that were enough no longer so?
Do we outgrow answers too?
Is there a bottom to this longing?
How did Robinson Crusoe survive the first few years alone?
Would having your own island really make things better?
Would getting too close to someone make you discover something that repels you?
Why is it that we're either not close enough or too close to people?

Questions with no answers.
Answers that can't be known by me in this moment.

Frothier

2010-09-12T21:30:00.002+08:00

The anticipation of something new and exciting about to take place sits lightly like froth atop a well shaken drink as I peer into the next chapter of my life while holding my hands steady on the steering wheel as I navigate the present.

Why do I always sound so poetic?

There's simplicity in the thing profound too :)
But to get there, first we gotta dig a little deeper...

Bring Me to Life

2010-09-08T15:44:00.003+08:00

I need to know that I'm alive.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
- Bring Me to Life, Evanescence

Post-it 1

2010-09-05T00:08:00.001+08:00

Two cups of tall, caramel frappe with coffee jelly and I walked down Kallang mrt stairs like a fainthearted who just went seven times on Lethal Weapon.
And I am no fainthearted.

140 characters.

2010-08-30T00:06:00.002+08:00

A smattering of goodbyes here and there...

I still feel lost some days and wonder what my life is about.

Heaven has been becoming more and more of a reality.

Shared a C-size frolick with my brother, oreo, strawberries and all.

Tomorrow Wed Wed leaves.
I hope I save enough money to travel to Beijing next year.

I want to paint something in acrylic on a canvas soon.

I put God on the backseat again tonight.
Wish I'd stop doing this.

Love can be...agonizing at times, but the only other options are far too unthinkable.

2010-08-20T14:26:00.002+08:00

Cultural and Contextual Class on 20 August 2010.

Quinquagenarian refers to a fifty year old man

The things we learn.

Fear of the Unknown

2010-08-16T23:53:00.002+08:00

So I gave some a good laugh over my candy bar episode, but really, I think it drives a deeper point here.

Firstly, it's the fear of the unknown or unfamiliar.
Secondly it's the overwhelming proportion of it going beyond my capacity to handle the situation that causes panic.
The first alone is insufficient cause; only when I feel as though I've lost a handle on the situation does the panic start to surge in, and with it comes a natural increase in stress levels.

Some of you may be shaking your head - whoever thought one could go bonkers over a new macbook (pro) and the candy bar application (add an overwhelming number of keyboard shortcuts to that list - did I mention that the mac being too smart can seriously impair one's health)?
But I guess when you couple that with the new study environment as well as this whole design culture thing that I need to sink my fingers into it can really, REALLY throw one off balance.

So the thing to be done now is to rationalize away some of the fear, give myself some time to adjust, forget about wanting to master the macbook pro and settle with decent efficiency, and set all my icons back to default and try the candy bar thing another time.

Admitting one's arrogance can actually be rather humbling.
Firstly, I gotta admit that I pride myself on being decently savvy with technology (the limited spectrum that I choose to come into contact with - did I mention I'm anti-tech?) and do not like to think I am not utilizing something sufficiently. So maybe I felt like a semi-pro with laptops, thus getting thrown into the world of macs can be super unnerving because the mac is too smart to be mastered the way I can master your average computer.
The bottom-line is finding out that you're not that fab at something you think you're kinda fab at can either sink one into a depressive state, or you can rise to the challenge and learn some humbling lessons along the way.

I've always been able to figure things out on my own when it comes to computers. Don't like having to consult people on things I think I am supposed to be able to figure out on my own.

Wow. I can actually write an essay on this one.
Bemusement aside, guess I just want to assimilate this lesson (and feelings of being crippled) as part of life's learning experiences and move on.
I know I will, with a little time.

And if you see me stressed up about my macbook (pro) and school, just give a sympathetic nod and try not to make me feel lousier about myself, thanks.

Posted on my new macbook pro.

My Life in Checklists

2010-08-11T23:37:00.003+08:00

What do you tell two young minds who are feeling the hopelessness of the world?
In trying to make sense of the world we live in, we will continually hit roadblocks unless and until God is your reference point. Colossians 1:16.

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Apply for new passport.
Check.
Collect new passport.
Pending.
Change learning portal and lasalle email account password.
Check.
Buy paper for next studio class.
Check.
Figure out how to bold text using keyboard shortcut on mac.
Check.
Upload mobile photos to facebook and tag.
Pending.
Re-arrange book shelf.
Check.
Transfer files to mac.
Check.
Transfer favourite sites to mac.
In progress.
Reply emails.
In progress.
Open new bank account.
Pending.

My life in a checklist.

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Needing to adjust to too many things and having a sudden influx of unexpected experiences can really derail one from her peace. Hope normality is restored soon. Don't fancy over-exposing my nerves to stimulation.

In-between moments where you're neither here nor there

2010-08-02T23:09:00.006+08:00

The lack of posts probably says something about my life as much as my posts do.

Tomorrow I go back to school.
It's been one looooonng break :)
I'm happy to be going back.

Sometimes all you need is a little courage to walk on.

I hope to be doing this in a very short while.

*disclaimer: I don't know how the post title turned out to be so long, but it started out with two words, really, and the rest kinda filled themselves in. I'm not really 'neither here nor there'. As a matter of fact, I am living out the moment and enjoying it very much, and I also happen to know where I am going, whether in the short term sense or in the long term sense.

C. S. Lewis says the present moment is the point where time touches eternity.
I think he is absolutely brilliant.

muse

2010-07-09T17:20:00.001+08:00

What did people do before the days of email?

Soldiers

2010-06-14T12:10:00.002+08:00

Foxy is hard at work, which motivates me to work hard too :)

Much to do in the office, but starting the day off in prayer helps us to stay centered on God and focused on the ministry at hand.

A good reminder this morning that God doesn't shift obstacles - He gets us right through them.
I will press on.
I've got Xingqi, Rae, Wednesday and Chee Onn with me.

A Dusting Off

2010-06-11T12:05:00.005+08:00

After a long day at work (with an extended meeting pushing way beyond the limits of my mental capacity), I was crossing the overhead bridge outside 4 How Sun Drive when I snapped out of my reverie just in time to see 28 approaching at a speed too fast for me to catch. Still, banging on a glimmer of hope, I gave chase.

The result?
Stuck at the bus stop, past 8pm, hungry, emotionally drained, mentally exhausted and now physically worn out as well. I slumped onto the seats and wondered if something is out against me.

Raising my thoughts to God, I asked if the arrangement had to be this accurate - being in deep thought, the sandals, no one getting on or off at the stop, the red light that turned green just as I neared...all these contributing the loss of precious seconds that just might have resulted in a different outcome for my endeavour to catch the bus.

Still, in the moments that ensued, I willed my will, against all odds, to find the new center of peace that I have recently discovered. The act itself takes effort from every mental fibre available to shut out distractions, resist plugging into music, not sink into self-pity or any other equally destructive emotion, and basically disallow the mind to wander into any other grounds except the one place where peace is to be found.

Slowly, as laboured breathing evened out, the thought that God goes to extreme lengths at times to catch our attention or force us to slow down brought a smile, and I found my soul being unshackled from the weight of the world. Oddly enough, the next bus that came was neither 93 nor 158. It only confirmed my presupposition that it had been part of His orchestration all along.

The brief interruption to a daily routine, though not entirely desired, was much needed. In those few precious minutes, I regained the heart of gratitude as I relinquished the burden of work and minsitry into the loving Father's hands through a spot of meditation. By the time the following 28 came rumbling along, my soul and spirit had been refreshed and I was ready to head home after dinner to prepare for the following day of work.

Each day, it seems, we pick up dirt and dust that forms part of our baggage. It takes a bit of lingering the presence of God to clear this baggage. I'm beginning to see the necessity of starting and ending the day right with God, and this cannot be done without entering His presence and allowing Him to change us.

Be still and know that He is God.

Former Glory

2010-06-01T19:44:00.002+08:00

No weeping
No hurt or pain
No suffering
You hold me now

No darkness
No sick or lame
No hiding
You hold me now
-Hillsong

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All of creation groans, longing for the promised day of delivery.
Someday we shall all be restored to our former glory, to what we were once created to be.

2010-05-18T11:42:00.002+08:00

Perhaps I have been broken so that I may not take every dance for granted, but be thankful for the grace that allows me every opportunity to ascribe Him glory through this God-given tool.

Ah...the beauty of movement.

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You said, "I AM."

The Freedom of Being Man

2010-05-11T19:47:00.005+08:00

There is no absolute truth.
In that case, the statement that 'there is no absolute truth' is not true either.
So if it's not true that there is no absolute truth, then either there IS absolute truth, or we are unable to know if there is absolute truth.

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Man are funnny creatures.
Birds are born with wings, so they fly.
Fish are born with tails and fins, so they swim.
Horse and gazelles and cheetahs, they run.
But man, oh no, only man, is not content to be what he was created to be.*

But for the man who has learnt to be content being man, ahhh...is there not freedom in that?

*And angels too. A third of them, apparently, now cast out of heaven.

Quotable Quotes

2010-04-30T11:20:00.003+08:00

"Saints become saints by somehow clinging to the stubborn conviction that God deserves our trust, even when it looks like the world is caving in."
- Philip Yancey, I Was Just Wondering

To be commanded to love God, let alone in the wilderness, is like being commanded to be well when we are sick, to sing for joy when we are dying of thirst, to run when our legs are broken. But this is the first and great commandment nonetheless. Even in the wilderness - especially in the wilderness - you shall love him.
- Frederick Buechner (as quoted by Philip Yancey)

"After two weeks of reading the entire Bible, I came away with the strong sense that God doesn't care so much about being analyzed. Mainly - like any parent, like any lover - he wants to be loved."
- Philip Yancey, I Was Just Wondering

give me eyes to see like Yours

2010-04-25T17:27:00.005+08:00

Thoughts from watching fragments of The Soloist.

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What if people weren't projects but potential friends?

What if that's all it really takes to make a difference to somebody, to be a friend?

What if we were able to see through God's eyes and recognize that there aren't any nobodies and that everybody is a somebody?

What if we stopped subscribing to the secular system of social status hierarchy and simple learnt to see God's image in people and love them?

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What if we are lived in a place where nobody is better or worse than the next, but we all shone with our unqiue blend of colours?

I think it's called heaven.

A weighty matter

2010-04-22T17:57:00.002+08:00

Ask not for your load to be lightened; ask instead, for character and strength to carry the portion which you have been assigned, and it shall become the weight of glory.
An epiphanical moment and an assemblage of words collected through random scraps of writings.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
From the Bible, this one is.

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If for nothing else, it is to and for God's glory.
If by nothing else, it shall be overcome by love.
If nothing else, it will be His arms that I fall into.

Saving the sky

2010-04-19T19:15:00.002+08:00

7.05pm.
Walked out of my office to catch the sky saturated with a beautiful and mysterious yellow and a sea of blue, with dapplings of aqua green conjoining the two and smatterings of grey clouds, a Rembrandt* and infinitely better.

7.09pm.
Walking back into my office.
The sky had resumed its usual palette of ultramarine and cornflower blue. A faint light to the right of my makeshift viewing window, framed by the walls and railing of the church building, was the only remnant of the breath-chilling sight, hinting at the beauty that was a mere four minutes ago.

My breath was caught in the wrong sort of way.
For the first time, such a sight stunned me instead of moving me.
I check my heart - what's going on down here?
I don't know and I'm too tired to find out.

Salvation needs to find me because I am incapable of seeking it out.
At the moment.

Your saving grace, holding me.

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*disclaimer: I can't actually really remember the sort of painting that Rembrandt did. Probably should google it some time.

Flight of the Blue Jay

2010-04-09T12:38:00.002+08:00

I have heard the cries of longing lost within a flurry of activity and believed that there is another door to be unlocked.
God is speaking, and to hear requires stillness.

There has got to be more to God than bible reading, praying and disciplined times of coming before Him and entering His presence by means of committed devotion, and I daresay it is not heretical to make a statement like this.

If God really runs the universe then there must be some aspects of Him unfathomable and therefore a continued mystery that frames and manifests within the relationship that we seek to have with Him.

Perhaps communion with God begins enters a new depth when we relinquish the need to understand, to process intellectually the implications of our faith and simply allow Him to be and ourselves to respond to that Being with our own state of being.

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I am convinced that in order to live, I must learn how to fly.
And this flight differs from yours or his or hers, but it is the wings that we have been given that determines the pattern of our flight.
But we were all meant to fly.

3 knocks on an oakwood door.

2010-04-08T10:39:00.003+08:00

"Don't flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege."
Matthew 7:6 [bold mine]

Encountering the mystery of God is both wonderful and dreadful at the same time, and also wonderful in its dreadfulness.

A few weeks ago, I heard a knock on my door.
It was God asking, "Ave, what have you been blogging about?"
That's when I realised, I'd forgotten why I started this blog in the first place. Much of recent posts hardly have anything to do with honor for God.

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Yesterday morning I was buying my usual bottle of Nestle strawberry yoghurt drink at 7-eleven when I realised I only had 75cents to pay for a $1.35 drink. Told the cashier I'll be back after I make a trip to the atm, but this very kind soul, who was about to make his purchase, said he'll pay for me.

Amidst mild protests, I put my 70cents (didn't think he'd want the 5cents) into his hand before he could refuse and took off with my drink after saying my thanks, throwing in a smile to emphasize my gratitude.

If we love, it is God in us who loves.
Reductionism has us book-keeping with a list of laws and commands. There is absolute control in that, but God is not looking for controlled religion.
He is looking for someone who genuinely desires to seek, love, honor and please Him, someone who takes delight in Him and who knows and enjoys the Father's delight.

You can't do relationships with formulae, unlike religion.
Makes absolute sense which one to choose, but it ain't always that easy. Human nature tends toward the definable and controllable, but for the courageous, risk-taking, faith-filled few, they find a different sort of life.

So far, they haven't lost yet.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For all its pertubulations, agony and risks, I still choose love.
Because love has won me over.

Coming true...

2010-03-24T15:24:00.002+08:00

Got my birthday wish!
Haha it turned out better than I expected :)

Back on my Feet

2010-03-18T09:34:00.002+08:00

I'mma back! And Foxy my pet welcomes me with a morning workout, woohoo! Not to mention a couple of grey bunny wabbits as surprise guests :)

So with a nicely coordinated surprise, a heart-wrenching rendition of 'Happy Birthday' sung with much gusto by the CG guys (you guys ought to be on national tv), a scrummy-licious cake and a tub full of mashed potato, followed by dinner at Mad Jack's and a fifteen minute chillout at Fifteen Minutes (no kidding you there), 13 of March 2010 was spent memorably with the special warm fuzzy feeling still lingering.

Unfortunately, the flu bug attacked, causing absence from my work desk for a good two and a half days. But having slept a day's worth over Monday and Tuesday, I'm back with some fresh zest and enough spunk to take on the world (almost)!

I could film my own version of Home Alone now, having enjoyed peace and quiet for the past four days. Feeling especially proud of my laundry efforts and upkeeping with the mail. Must remember to water the plants. Oh and, time to engage the good, old trusty vaccuum cleaner again!

This living alone thing, I could get used to it, you know.
Maybe when I have a salary fat enough, I'll rent my own pad :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ave says, "Home is where the heart is, and your heart is where people who love you are."
Yinky says, "If I grow my roots in God, no matter where I go, I will find home."
Ave says, "That's even deeper and truer."
May my heart be found in God.

21 yrs 364 days old

2010-03-12T17:56:00.003+08:00

My 276th post at 5.56pm on 12 March 2010.
Trying to make my twenty-one years of age last.

Despite my best attempts to lounge around in self-denial (best efforts meaning telling people I'm twenty-one plus instead of twenty-two), here I am, still, six hours away from cruel reality of being booted out of beloved twentyone-hood.

Funny how it never meant this much before.

I'd always looked puzzledly at Forever 21 storefronts, wondering why anybody would want to be twenty-one forever when there's the joy of progressing to other ages.
At precisely (or not so precisely) 3am on 1 January 2010, I learnt the reason why.
I can hardly bear the other 'two' digit creeping up to the first.

So here I am, hovering dangerously close to the dreaded age (and even more dangerously close to being late for dinner with my family in 29 minutes at Marina Square), and deciding to make a record of this monumental moment.

All that said and done, I'm going to squeeze out the last drop of twentyone-hood and savour it for what it's worth. Tomorrow, I launch gloriously into a new age (hah! literally) and well, we'll see what surprises await (or less pleasant ones lurking around the shady corners)!

At least the special day will be spent in good company.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Keep your expectations low, they wisely say (well, 'they' being more like 'I').
The noise that expectations make when they come crashing down never sound pretty.
So...expect nothing, and whatever comes take your breath away.
Ahh...best advice given yet, if I may say so, with all the twentyonish wisdom I can manage :)

Ciao~

A Green Day

2010-03-10T17:00:00.002+08:00

The taxi uncle's overly zealous attempt to eject me out of his vehicle by pressing the button for the automated passenger door resulted in my plastic bag falling out onto the side walk and my favourite shawl drenched in disgusting rainwater on the tarmac road. Even more permanent damage included both halves of my focacia bread, which was not meant to come into contact with contaminated rain water before consumption.

Knew I shouldn't have taken both havles.
Now I've wasted an unnecessary half.

Walked into the building trying very hard to stay calm but failing epicly.
Chided myself for not just grabbing my plastic bag first before I kept the change.
Thankful that at least my newly bought cushion remained unharmed by the disaster.

A dark office door indicated the lack of human presence.
Great, not even a soul to gripe to.

Dunked my ruined breakfast into the trash on my way to the ladies' to wash my shawl. Loud, jovial singing of Lord I Lift Your Name On High wisped within range of my hearing and within seconds, dispelled all feelings of raw anger.
Thank you Jesus for a much needed, timely act of grace to ease my tensed spiritual muscles.

Minutes later, my shawl is clean and I've settled down with chee cheong fun and a nice cup of soya bean milk, courtesy of the staff Wednesday meeting that includes breakfast. When I came back into the office an hour and a half later, my shawl, which I'd left on the backs of a couple of chair to dry, had dried out and was ready for use.

I'm not about to end with a 'Hallelujah, praise God!'. Not that God doesn't deserve it - on the contrary, He deserve more than a sometimes clichedly used phrase.
What I need is something that better expresses my feelings of being humbled by a very, big God.

Thank You, thank You, thank You.
Tis poison and cancer in my soul, but You are the light that keeps me walking.

Joel...as in Tok.

2010-03-10T15:48:00.003+08:00

Nicole says, "Joel is free...as in Tok"

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Nicole as in Kang.
Avelyn as in Tan.
Eugene as in Goh.

Oooh...this is fuunn!

Clarence as in Ng,
Zhong Ren as in Koh,
Samantha as in Ding,
Bryan as in Hoe!

Rhymes!
Let's try some more...

Jeremy as in Pong,
Amiel as in Siong,
Clement as in Chua,
Michelle as in Leong!

New ones :)

Zhai Juan as in Phua,
Vanessa as in Koh,
Ming Hui as in Chng,
Matthew as in Goh!

Vinna as in Yip,
Sylvia as in Yeoh,
Kenny as in Lee,
Johnathan as in Teo!

Timothy as in Yap
Rex as in Ang,
Yingqi as in Tan
Wynn as in Pang!

Gloria as in Tan,
Janice as in Loh,
Daniel as in Lee
Chelsia as in Goh!

CG rhyme!

Pop song ballad

2010-03-07T23:12:00.005+08:00

Listening to good old pop music by Bardot.

"These days
The world's alright
The sun shines bright
I'm kicking out the bad dreams
These days go on long after you've gone"

"You're taking me higher than heaven"

Ahh...sweet teenagehood memories.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Another day, more things done, apologetics class attended, Yan Hui and Yong Xin's essays edited, conference call held, another emotional meltdown, another heartache dealt with, and the gradual sense of becoming stronger through all the emotional-relational fiascos.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The fastest way to get a response online is to announce anything vaguely related to getting a boyfriend. Or engaged. Or married. Something along those lines.

We haven't changed very much, have we?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Missin' Your Love
Bardot

I guess we didn't see
It wasn't meant to be
Though we tried to love each other
There was no reason to
it's just what we went through
Now time has torn us apart

Though I told you I loved you
And you told me the same
A little distance between us
Now I noticed alot has changed

Now baby uh huh
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)

It's just another day
We go our separate wys
Without thinking about each other
Now everything seems new
When I see it without you
I've been told you feel the same as I do

Though I told you I loved you (oh yeah)
And you told me the same
A little distance between us
How I've noticed alot has changed

Now baby uh huh
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)
(Yeah yeah)
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)
(I ain't missin' your love)
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)

Is it a crime?
I finally realied
You were missing all along
Still I don't have you
And I'm torn in two
Now it's time to say goodbye
Now baby I

I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)
(Oh babay I)
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)
(Oh ain't missin your love)
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)
(I ain;t missin' your love)
I, I ain't missin' your love (missin' your love)
(Oh ain't missin your love)

Foxy my new pet

2010-03-07T23:09:00.002+08:00

I love my new gmail theme!
Hours ago when I logged on foxy was feeding chicken in the yard and the sky was shades of chinese tea. Now foxy is having nice, hot, steaming dinner indoors while the chickens peck away outside, the sky a an inky hue of greys.
*laughs*
Such joy :)

Have a good laugh :)

2010-03-05T14:44:00.000+08:00

Hahahahaha....

Still twenty-one years old...for now.

2010-03-02T14:32:00.003+08:00

I have eleven days to find a guy who is 1) taller than me 2) mature enough to care for me 3) able to accept my quirks and go wild with my wild streaks to be my boyfriend.

Birthday wishlist
1) A boyfriend (am I kidding? maybe...maybe not)
2) A nice men's shirt that's the right colour (this for the benefit of guy friends whom I'm not willing to put into the difficult spot of having to shop for a bag or a wallet)
3) Extravagant love (that's up to your individual creativity :)
4) An original song (whoa-ho...what a tall order!)
5) A spontaneous day-out with people who don't mind doing sporadic things upon my whim and fancy
6) A biggish wallet into which I can fit contents of my red wallet, blue pouch and pink mobile phone
7) A really, really, really good book, in Donald Miller or even better, Carolyn Arends style

I think seven items make a substantiate list that ain't too overwhelming :)

Thoughts on stuff

2010-02-28T00:50:00.002+08:00

12.50am at Zhong Ren's house and I'm wondering if I'll ever be loved.
All I want is to be taken care of for once.
It's tiring to always be the one taking care of others.

James Liew pretty much hit the nail on the head when he asked if I'm always mature.
I don't always want to be; mostly my circumstances require me to be so.
Some day, though, I'd like to find someone who is strong enough to take the driving wheel with greater permanence and take me on a ride.
Maybe that's why I subconsciously feel so strongly against getting a driving license. Not that I'm not confident of my skills, or that I've anything against being able to drive. It's just the strings that come attached with it.
Instead of being driven, I will have to drive others around, and admittedly I'm already doing more of that than I'd like to be doing.

Hidden Treasure

2010-02-24T11:26:00.000+08:00

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When I say that 'I am a Christian', I am not shouting that 'I am clean living.
I'm whispering ' I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven. '

When I say ' I am a Christian ' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say ' I am a Christian ' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say ' I am a Christian ' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say ' I am a Christian ' I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say ' I am a Christian ' I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say ' I am a Christian ' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!

Lament. Tears. His Words of Assurance.

2010-02-24T11:16:00.004+08:00

"For you, God, have put my life back together."
Psalm 4:8 (The Message)

"And now, here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to start all over again.
I'm taking her back out into the wilderness
where we had our first fate, and I'll court her.
I'll give her bouquet of roses,
I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She'll respond like she did as a young girl,
those days when she was afresh out of Egypt."
Hosea 2:14-15 (The Message)

To Him, who is able to put back together what no one else can.
Remember me, Lord.
Remind me again of the days when You first brought me out of Egypt. Let me not be too quick to return to that land of sin, bondage and slavery.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I have heard it being said that this seed which has been sown into our hearts, the seed intended to grow a harvest of holiness and bear eternal fruit, is to be watered frequently by tears.
Indeed, it is to be watered frequently by tears.

...on reaching the world.

2010-02-22T12:12:00.003+08:00

"it is never someone who wants to save the world. They always become discouraged. But send me a contemplative; send me someone who has a deep heart for God, and one day at a time, they serve."
Teresa of Avila.

"When only our minds and our hands work together we quickly become dependent on the results of our actions and tend to give up on when they do not materialize. In the solitude of the heart we can truly listen to the pains of the world because there we can recognizr them not as stange and unfamiliar pains, but as pains that are indeed out own. There w can see that what is most universal os most personal and that indeed nothing human is strange to us. There we can feel that the cruel reality of history is indeed the reality of the human heart, our own included, and that to protest asks, first of all, for confession of our own participation in the human condition. There we can indeed respond."
Henri Nouwen

The Alone-ness of Jesus.

2010-02-22T11:59:00.003+08:00

He always knew the next step of his Father's plans.
Always knew what was on his Father's mind.
His heartbeat in sync with his Father's.

"Without the solitude of our heart, our relationships with others easily become needy and greedy, sticky and clinging, dependent and sentimental, exploitative and parasitic, because without the solitude of heart we cannot experience others as differnt from ourselves but only as people who can be used for the fulfillment of our own, often hidden, needs.

The mystery of love is that it protects and respects the aloneness of the other and creates the free space where he can convert his loneliness into a solitude that can be shared. In this solitude we can strengthen each other by mutual respect, by careful consideration of each other's individuality, by an obedient distance from each other's privacy and by a reverent understanding of the sacredness of the human heart. [indent for new paragraph mine]

In this solitude we encourage each other to enter into the silence of our innermost being and discover there the voice that calls us beyond the limits of human togetherness to a new communion. In this solitude we cna slowly become aware of a presence of him who embraces friends and lovers and offers us the freedom to lve each other, because he loved us first (see 1 John 4:19)."
- Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out

His Will and mine.

2010-02-19T16:48:00.002+08:00

It is against my will to move on, but in the face of circumstances, it it required, for the better of both parties, that I should will what I cannot will by allowing God to bend mine to His.

Shaun says that in ten years' time, I will look back and realise it wasn't worth it.
I just need to buy into that strongly enough to let go of my stubborn grip and allow God to take me to the next place, whever that may be.

Sigh.
Why do some things have to be so hard?

iMad

2010-02-19T12:54:00.001+08:00

An unending to-do list lurking like two thousand unclosed windows at the back of my head.
This computer is about to hang and shutdown.

On Angel's Wings

2010-02-18T14:53:00.002+08:00

This might sound a little emo cause I'm listening to Barlow Girl's Never Alone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Why do guys like to sweep everything under 'respect' so much?
Not that respect isn't important or that I do not value their respect.
In fact, being respected 总会让我觉得受宠若惊 (feel as though I've received a gift greater than I am worthy of; pardon the chinese, I just think it expresses it better).

But why can't they get that respect feels hollow without understanding?
What women want that men don't seem to get: understanding.
And I know I generalize when I say that, cause I've known a number of awesome guys who really do understand and if not, try their best to.

It's the effort you make, didn't you know that?

I am moved by their efforts, and even if they still wear that blank look on their faces from time to time, as least I know they tried and didn't just sweep me along with all that I'm saying under the carpet.
And honestly, I do not know of any guy who tried and didn't eventually get it (or get somewhere).

So lest I am accused of being ambiguous, let me say it as clearly and simply as I can.
I want to be understood.
We want to be understood.
Women want to be understood.
Though there is a part of us that you never will, and that is our mystery and our glory (as there is a corner to every man's soul that is reserved for his buddies and a depth to his soul that is reserved for God and God alone), there is much that you can if you tried.

Stop trying to fix our problems and just let us talk. We don't want the problem solved until you've helped us to solve how we feel about the problem.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A fourteen year old girl just called wanting to help us out at YMTG.
She rocks. Don't know who she is except that her name is Sarah, but she's awesome and I hope God uses her to do great stuff :)
God bless you, Sarah!

Raspberry Rhapsody

2010-02-15T15:49:00.005+08:00

Raspberry because it alliterates, and because it's yummy, like what this post is about :)

Jo-Ann commented that I'm the epitome of one who reads for a hobby. On the contrary, I think I'm in a new category called the book consumers. I don't quite so much read books as I consume, devour them, hah!

Oficial reading period: 3.5 yrs
Books read: 180
Books expenditure: $1,800
Books donated: 15
Personal store: 60
*all figures are roughly accurate estimates

Words are completely inadequate in decsribing what it's like when you find someone put into words the deep stirrings of your soul that you are incapable of articulating.

It's euphoria, ecstasy, delirium, enchantment, intoxification, rhapsody all rolled into one.

It's like the positive version of having your funny bones squeezed with a pair of pliers.

It's like the explosion of all your nerves simultaneously, like fireworks going off in your stomach and your whole soul being set ablaze by something celestial.

It's like wings beneath your feet, like a picture of rainbows and sunshine and shooting stars, like effervescence rising inside you, like a thousand bottles of champagne being popped and the whole world singing and dancing along with you.

It's like a river of mirth rupturing from beneath and as it breaks the ground, the angels peer down from behind the clouds to see what business this is going on down here that shakes the heavenlies.

Hah! I may get carried away with my descriptives, but they still fall short of capturing that very, very, very wonderful experience.

Oh, if only you can feel what I feel, you would be reading like I did.

Ave is...

2010-02-15T13:45:00.002+08:00

I'm beginning to believe that my joy is made substantiate by my experiences of grief, sorrow, despair and agony. Otherwise, my joyful disposition would be pure naiveity or plain superficial and hollow.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Writes jargonishly.
Dances freely.
Doodles feverishly.
Sings unashamedly.
Dreams astronomically.
Loves deeply.

I like that :)
If I ever need an artist statement that would be mine.
And maybe I'll put it on my namecard when I get one someday.

Quoted

2010-02-15T13:40:00.001+08:00

Snippets from an article sent by Joanne :)

"I told them that one of the skills they had to learn as they grow up is to be able to live with ambiguity and with tension. In this case, they had to be able to live with the twin truths that the victory over brokenness has already been won at the Cross ("it is finished" John 19:30) while the full experience of that victory awaits the new heaven and the new earth. They had to hold on to both truths.
...
In any case I closed by saying that there were two things they could do to fortify their faith for whatever lay ahead in their lives. They had to encounter the Lord on a regular basis through reading the Word. And they must have a few close spiritual friends to walk with."

Jo-Ann

2010-02-11T11:35:00.003+08:00

Glad I had dinner with Jo-Ann.
Firstly, her name is spelled with the capital 'a'.
Secondly, there's this side of her that you don't usually see. Beneath her bubbly, cheerful, slightly blur self, there's a strong current of belief running, initiating all that she does.
I've gotten to know a new side of Jo-Ann.
Cool :)

Boys and Their Toys

2010-02-10T15:40:00.003+08:00

I realised I picked up on 'guys-and-their-gadgets' much later than the average woman because my dad is not classified under that category, neither is my brother.
Think I just might have found one pet peeve.

If I had to make lists they'll probably look something like this:
Literature, books, music, art, architecture, physical training...oh yeah!
Dance, theatre, crafts, food...hmm, maybe.
Cars, gadgets, game sports, drinking...eurgh no!
And clubbing, smoking and gambling isn't even on the radar - they are out of consideration!

I think it's always been subconscious and just didn't get put into words :)

12.05pm

2010-02-10T12:04:00.003+08:00

Going up to the rooftop to pray.

Me and My God

2010-02-09T18:10:00.003+08:00

Was worshipping God with songs by the pool last night.
When I came back to the lounge chairs to pick up my bag, I heard a voice from the table next to mine.

That was how, on a regular Monday night, I came to know Sunil and Seema, an Indian couple from Mumbai. They speak Hindi, not to be confused with the local Indians who speak Tamil. They told me I sang beautifully and asked if I've had training.
I told them no.
They asked what I was doing so I said I was worshipping God, and then I said a little more about church on Sundays and that we sing during worship. They asked if I sang for church, and I said no. They told me I should.

That thought actually crossed my mind in my younger days as a Christian, but then I got roped into welcome, and then I became a CGL, and now I'm thinking I should learn how to play drums, so I guess it'd never really been a point of consideration since.

Last night was enjoyable.
I waded in the baby pool and had to hold my skirt cause the pool's deeper than I imagined. Then I got out and started walking around the pool, first on the grails, then on the tiles. I went clockwise and anti-clockwise, then I went backwards and did that in the opposite direction too. I even attempted to jog backwards.

It wasn't too easy, but it was fun trying.
And then I got tired and thought perhaps I should go, but the lights coming from the jacuzzi pool were so alluring I was like a moth, drawn to the warm lights and red Chinese new year decorations.

I sat to listen to my playlist but after awhile, there was a need for silence, so I took off my earphones and listened to the water gurgling beneath the grails. It must have been only a few moments when a song started rising from within me. That's when I began to sing, and once I started, I couldn't stop for a bit.

It's been awhile since I've been alone with God. Not that I haven't had time with Him, but mostly He's far away, kinda like He's in the clouds or Aslan when he was away from Narnia.

But last night was different.
Last night I was alone and God was there. He was very near. Sorta all around me and also inside me.

I miss that feeling.

Wordplay

2010-02-08T16:29:00.003+08:00

We were a distance away from this traffic light when the light turned green.
Ave: How long do you think that green light will last?
Cas: If we run, it might last longer.
And then we ran and caught it.

Cas has such a way with words.
She's a total genius.

The Lines on this Book

2010-02-08T15:34:00.002+08:00

Cas says I walked out of a hallmark card.
Like Giselle.

James: Is there another side to you?
Ave: What is 'this' side that you see?
James: Happy, mature...
Ave: Mm...go read my blog haha :)

It's interesting what people think of me.

Cas says of the photo of me and her that it's darkness and light next to one another. I guess this light is actually pretty in touch with her darkness too.

My happiness is framed by the the worst wreckages of emotional grief you'll ever see. I feel deeply. Been on cloud nine and higher up, but also sunk lower than the gates of Hades.

I am frequently immature - when I'm with my parents.
If one can't be childish around parents, it'll be one of the saddest things on this planet.

Name me a revival

2010-02-04T17:42:00.001+08:00

Wait...
This is actually for real.
Three revivals names the Azuza street revival, the Moravians and - get this - the Zinzendorf revival!

Cool ministry names eh?
Azuza...
Zinzendorf...
Close fight, but I think Zinzendorf wins :)

Post-its on What-nots

2010-02-04T16:31:00.005+08:00

Referring to my post on 30 October 2009, I've finally found a name for this lovely genre of movies. They're called indie films, short for independent films.
(a footnote here: I used to think indie music referred to Bollywood music or something - think Slumdog Millionaire)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Nicole K. said she likes my blog!
I'mma on cloud nine :)
*flounces*
Please do not bring me back down to earth yet.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The milk tea I had for lunch is much stronger than I expected, which is the reason why I can't do half the stuff on my to-do list.
This is NOT a lame excuse. I am completely serious.
I'm as jumpy as a jelly-bean (though why I should think jellybeans are jumpy is beyond me) despite my best efforts to down my tumbler of water to drain out the caffeine.
Highly sensitive people (or HSPs) should NOT drink Japanese milk tea.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Luxury food item: Jaffa Vienese biscuits from Marks & Spencer (who knew chocolate and orange would turn out so good?)
Happy food item: Percy Pig soft gums also from Marks & Spencer (do not get the piglets - they're harder and less yummy)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Things that make me go crazy: nicely-printed paper and notebooks.
Actually, nicely-printed anything. Just discovered this lil' niche shop called 'wood would'. I'm not going to tell you where it is cause I don't want people flooding it. It wouldn't be a niche shop then. But if nice-printed paper products make you go crazy like they make me, you can drop me an email (email add attached at the bottom) and I might tell you. But only if you're convincing enough about 'make you go crazy' bit.

here it is: redliquorice@gmail.com

On Eve and Her Kind

2010-02-03T12:35:00.003+08:00

"We are called to be women. The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman. For I have accepted God's idea of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that He wants me to be."
-Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be A Woman

Once again, I am inspired by her.
Little sparks of truth and inspiration embedded all over this pocket-size book consisting of forty-nine chapters ranging between two to five pages each.
Very concise.
With typical cut-throat honesty Elliot cuts straight to the soul. A perfect blend of wisdom and emotional honesty.
She is such a light.

Unspoken

2010-02-02T15:49:00.003+08:00

Freeze-frames of pedastrians on skyscraper walls
Cars and streetlights, voices fall
A blur of smoke as the world rushes by
Another day has come and gone

You look at me with accusing eyes
Put me on charge for my silent lies
The words you needed to hear the most
I withheld, oh of only I had known

If you knew the path you were on
If you had seen what was coming when life is gone
If only I had told you so
Whispered His love before you had to go

There was the house of summer memories
Springtime cheer, joy, laughter, melodies
Us skipping waves, you called me friend
I didn't think it'd lead to this end

You look at me with accusing eyes
Put me on charge for my silent lies
The words you needed to hear the most
At the tip of my tongue, but then I froze

Bring me back to those innocent times
Bring me back before the final chime
Let me say those words you need to hear
Perhaps this time I'll overcome my fears

Didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to sound, but it'll have to do for now.

The Scapel in His Hands

2010-02-01T17:32:00.003+08:00

There are three kinds of guys on this planet.
Guys that make me cry - in frustration.
Guys that make me smile.
And guys that make me cry - in gratitude.

The third category kind of a guy is so rare I've only met one in my entire life (though one might be quick to remind that my entire life consists of a month and a half short of twenty-two years). Well, I can only think of one offhand. He's really the reason why I'm blogging this post in the first place anyway :)

I like Eric Ludy's description of this kind of men - warrior poets. They fight like warriors and love like poets. There's something true about men like that.

I can't stop singing "I love the look that I see in your eyes when every morning you brush open mine...drawn to the steeples of whitewashed cathedrals where words that are spoken are to no avail | do you remember the day that I left yet you told me you loved me and helped me see that..."

Not Just Words

2010-01-29T11:39:00.003+08:00

I think I'm a poem coming out of the mud.
And I think I shouldn't let anyone but God tell me who I am.

Divine Cathedral Halls

2010-01-29T11:18:00.005+08:00

Daniel Loke

"In back rows of pews and
On the beach where waves lap gently on the shore
In grand auditorium halls
And spaces where summer turns spring into fall

I hear your gentle whispers of love and my name on your lips
The sweetness of your breath lets me know I am complete

Oh how I love the look that I see in your eyes
When every morning you brush open mine
Do you remember the day that we met when you told me you loved me
And helped me see that all your

*Shades of sunsets shine for me
Tainted glass I did not see
The pains of love etched into stone
My longing to call you my home
Winds are wild and deer run free
Bells chime joyous melodies
Miles of coastlines echo all
My longings to cushion my fall
Your longings that echo through the walls
Of divine cathedral halls

Of premature births and of the young one’s mirth
And unblemished hazel eyes
Of violins, guitars and songs
Of right and wrong, and beauty untold in the skies

Of science and wonders, of time and thunder, your heart romances mine
You came to court me, you chased and caught me
You have my heart and I find I am

Drawn to the steeples of whitewashed cathedrals
Where words that are spoken are to no avail
Do you remember the day that I left yet you told me you loved me
And helped me see that all your"

As of now, this is my favourite mood song, and Daniel Loke has just become one of my favourite lyricists!

"The Pursuit of God"

2010-01-29T11:05:00.003+08:00

"Every one of us has had experiences which we have not been able to explain - a sudden sense of loneliness, or a feeling of wonder or awe in the face of the universal vastness. Or we have had a fleeting visitation of light like an illumination from some other sun, giving us in a quick flash an assurance that we are from another world, that our origins are divine. What we saw there, or felt, or heard, may have been contrary to all that we had been taught in the schools and at wide variance with all our former beliefs and opinions. We were forced to suspend our acquired doubts while, for a moment, the clouds were rolled back and we saw and heard for ourselves. Explain such things as we will, I think we have not been fair to the facts until we allow at least the possibility that such experiences may arise from the presence of God in the world and His persistent effort to communicate with mankind.”
- A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

Vinna emailed the CG this quote.
It's so deep it cuts.
It's so true I feel my heart hanging.

A. W. Tozer is such a genius, putting into words what I can't about those moments where I literally felt "a sudden sense of loneliness, or a feeling of wonder or awe in the face of the universal vastness".

It's good to know that there's someone out there who understands how you feel, who felt it before you did, who thinks weirdly like you do.

Running on empty

2010-01-21T11:39:00.003+08:00

Fourth day of my alone-ness, and I'm about to have an emotional meltdown.
Never realised how unnatural it is to enter an empty office - "it is not good for man to be alone" is taking on a whole new meaning.

I feel...weird. Isolated. Disconnected. DIsenfranchised, almost.
It took a couple of emails to remind me that I'm still alive and have things for which I can move about purposefully. Don't know what caused me to switch on my laptop - possibly saving grace - but I'm glad I did cause if I hadn't, I probably would've crawled beneath my table and spent the day emo-ing away.

Yes, that's right.
Leaders are human too.
(Thanks Edwin, for reminding us all of this very overlooked fact.)

Xingqi and Chee Onn return tomorrow - Hallelujah!
I'm reading Joanne's email and it puts some blood back into my veins...helps me to feel my flesh and remember my human-ness.
After sleeping in for four days and popping my yellow anti-histermines, I'm glad my physical health is almost back to normal.
Now for the mental and emotional bit.

One thing I do know, is that I need to be on my knees praying a bit more often. There's always a million and one reasons distracting me whenever I try to do that - I know, it's diabolical. But if I ain't praying, I ain't got nothin' to run with.

Rainbows, ponies and stardust.

2010-01-20T17:43:00.003+08:00

My eyes hurt from staring at the screen prolonged.
A lot emails to compose today - first to Nicole to tell her about Acts 29 (that's the pet name for our school outreach project for now), then to Mooks for the notes from our two hour long phone conference, but not before I'd spent an inordinate amount of time figuring out the best way to put PACE and shepherding groupings onto a document, and then finally, there is the gospel tract, which I must say, I am very proud of now that it's gone through a round of editing and I've put in two new pages and changed the cover concept :)

Oh-kaaay.
That's a mighty long paragraph.
It's 5.46pm and I'm taking a bus to toa payoh after this post to meet Belle. I hope 剪刀饭 has reopened by now! I'm so tired I can't even msuter up energy to be excited about our date, though Belle is totally lovely and I'm very happy to be meeting her, but it's all up in my head now, trickling very slowly down into my heart cause I'm slightly down with the flu. So glad I slept in the extra hour this morning.
Hope I recover before Xingqi and Chee Onn come back on friday.

Yinky gave me a DVD yesterday on Mother Teresa! Whooo-hooo! She rocks! That's both of them - Yinky and Mother Teresa, haha! Had the worst meal at MOS ever - seafood rice burger tastes like blanded cardboard and the milkshake tasted gross after it melted. Jeanne cheated my feelings about the seafood rice burger! Ok actually, I think we just have very different taste.

You know that feeling when you make a prediction about something which you actually don't want to happen and it really happens? Yeah, it's that feeling, and I'm feeling it now. I could do ten consecutive backflips down the stage and he'd probably still not notice.

I had red bean soup for lunch.
And a bite of bread leftover from breakfast.
I want a really good dinner.

5.53pm.
Hope the teddy bear is staring at me.
You're so innocent, Hope, and so carefree.
I wish I was like you.
Well, Hope isn't all that carefree honestly, because he's stuck sitting on the tissue box on my office table where I left him, and he can't move until I decide to move him, but I can imagine a teddy bear heaven where he'll get to run free in a really, really big grass field in breezy weather and a cornflower blue sky overhead, tugging on the string of his colourful paper kite.
Maybe that's my heaven - the one I dream of.

Tap, tap, tap.
Trying to figure out how to end this post.
Hmm...how about a cliffhanger?

Junkyard Letters.

2010-01-18T15:18:00.008+08:00

Wow. It's been two months already.
Fingers hover over the keyboard and...zilch.
Nothing.
That's a sign that I've been doing too much, or not blogging often enough to capture the moments.

I think it's the latter.
How do you capture those moments anyway? It's not like I can whisk out a laptop and internet connection when I'm sitting by the pool at 11pm and thinking through the day, or when I'm on the bus and a really epiphanical thought hits me.

Will we remember any of this in a thousand years to come?

Maybe it'll be like Joshua Harris' dream, where there's drawer after drawer in a filing cabinet in a large room in heaven where all our memories will be stored, including all the smart and stupid things we said, as well as all the things we never said.
And then I'll be able to see just how many people have read my posts, and know how accurate my feelings are cause about right now, I feel worthless. I bet if my posts were books they'd be the kind forgotten on a really high shelf in a dusty corner in the book store and one day, when they're clearing out the shop, they'd discover the existence of my posts-books and then...
I don't know.
Maybe they'll laugh as they remember what was written inside, or be curious cause they'd never read it and the books look really quaint, with the yellowing-pages, old ink and dust. Or maybe they'll throw it out for recycling without a second glance.

I really, really, REALLY like Donald Miller.
Maybe that's not too accurate. Let me rephrase.
I really, really, REALLY like Donald Miller's writing style.
I mean, I wouldn't actually know if I liked him unless if I met him in person, right?
But he's so honest, honest in a way I've always hope to be but realised I've always fallen short because I'm too busy embellishing my thoughts with fancy words that would have swirls and prints all over if you transposed them into a picture that by the time I hit 'publish post', I've glossed a layer of shine over all of it.
Myabe God is teaching me how to be honest.
Like, honest as in "through the heart" and not "from the heart".
Lil' C said that when commenting on Mark and Chelsie's dancing (the "Bleeding Love" one by Tabitha and Napolean, who are, incidentally, a really awesome hip hop choreographer-couple) and I've not had anything else make so much sense to me before.
Maybe that's slightly exaggerating, but what I'm trying to say is that dancing through your heart is so important a truth that it can be applied to so many other things in life, such as writing.
So back to this writing business...

I was standing along the corridor on the second level of Bartley, and there was this wind blowing down it. It was still and quiet, with the sound of the kids' voices coming through the wall, and it felt so peaceful. I stayed there for a bit because it was one of those moments that needed to last a bit longer than the usual moment, so you stop moving and stay in there until you feel it in you to move on to the next one.
It made me feel...alive.

So yes, getting back to this writing business, perhaps I should just put in the quote from Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years here.
"Sometimes I'm tempted to believe life doesn't mean anything at all. I've read philosophers who say meaningful experiences are purely subjective, and I understand why they belive that, because you can't prove life and love and death are anything more than radom happenings. But then you start thinking about some of the scenes you've lived, and if you've had a couple of drinks, they have a sentimental quality that gets you believing we are all poems coming out of the mud."

That's exactly how I feel.
Except that I don't need a couple of drinks to get into the sentimental mood. I think HSPs (highly sensitive people) kinda just create these moods themselves, or else they just swing into it.

My post title doesn't even make sense, but it just came and in a weird sort of way, it feels right.

Verse for the Day

2009-11-17T12:55:00.003+08:00

"For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ."
Galatians 1:10

Check out the verse for the day!
Completely relevant.

I think I try to please men too much.
Try too hard to win their approval.
Life boat syndrome.

Maybe someday, it'll be like it was in the Garden of Eden, and I'll only let God tell me who I am.

God on My Pedestal

2009-11-17T12:37:00.004+08:00

A completely casual utterance of Wingardium Leviosa in the office yesterday led to a long conversation that resulted in some very enlightening conclusions.

I hesitate to use the word 'enlightened', because it gives connotations of nirvana, Buddhist enlightenment and whatnot, but I couldn't find a better word for it.

Basically, it was a whack over the head and the loose bulb that had been flickering finally came on.

I realized humanism has a form of godliness, but actually leads down the path of destruction because it is the worship of man as god. Which is pretty similar to all that stuff I've been talking to daddy about (he presenting the side of Buddhism, of course).

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how many hungry you fed, naked you clothed, homeless you sheltered, lives you changed, or how much of humanity you saved if all of that was done with man as the end goal in mind.

Christians do all that, not because man is the greatest, but because God is, and naturally when you love God and worship him, you will come to love the people He loves too, see them through His eyes and value them as He does.
The key difference being that you do NOT worship them ie. place them on the highest pedestal, which is a really sneaky tactic the devil uses (just look at the numbers who have fallen prey to it!).

I have to confess, I was one of them.
Which explains the highly confusing situation I found myself in.
I had God and humanity both on the same pedestal, though in Christian reality love for latter flows out of love for the former. Unfortunately, the tricky line was something that eluded me for a bit.
Thank God, thank God, THANK GOD for helping me to learn that through an unexpected conversation.

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.

They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these men oppose the truth—men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone."
- 2 Timothy 3:1-9

You Only Live Once

2009-11-13T18:27:00.003+08:00

YOLO stands for you only live once.
How utterly cool is that.

Kevin Goh has a long lost brother called Kevin Thio.
Wahahahahaha :)

Ps Daniel Chua gave me a biggish card today with nice swirls inked over it and the words "We are God's MASTERPIECE - from Ephesians 2:10" nciely inked on in colour-changing tones.
Lovely with a capital L.
And also very touched by his kind gesture.

I work with really awesome poeple.
Chee Onn is a totally fab boss :) he's steadfast and really knows his stuff and is super efficient, but non-pushy and also kind and fatherly.
And how else can I say "I am really thankful Xingqi is around"?
The very fact that I've got someone to share girl stuff with is reason to rejoice :) on top of that, Xingqi and I get along well so that's the icing with the cherry!

Caleb comes through the door - he's long and spidery, just like Yi Min.
Oh boy.
Was hoping he'd be not-so-tall but guess that's not happening.
2 minutes to practice starts!
Gotta zip!

His and Hers

2009-11-06T17:26:00.003+08:00

I wrote this a long time ago and forgot all about it!

曾经想过，如果我是道明寺爱上的杉菜，那该多好。
不过，现在终于明白，尽管道明寺很好，自己毕竟不是杉菜。
也只有像杉菜性格如此般强烈的女生，才能够改变像道明寺般的男生。

扮演别人，能够扮演多久呢？
一个月？两个月？
或许吧。
一辈子吗？
不可能。

现在的我，不再希望自己是杉菜，也不希望道明寺爱上我，只希望做回我自己，然后，等待会爱上陈语嫣的人出现。

因为每个女孩都有属于自己的道明寺，就有如每个男生都有属于他的杉菜。

Muse for the Day

2009-11-06T16:42:00.001+08:00

Edwin Beh's chinese name is Ma Yi Sheng, translated to Beh Yik Teng!
How cool is that!

Sunshine, Cabbage and Zombies

2009-11-05T15:09:00.004+08:00

Life is noticeably alot happier when you're not focusing on your own emo feelings and just being thankful for the myriad of reasons to smile each day.
I really ought to make it a point to not blog when I'm emo, or at least, not only when I'm emo.
It's good to turn the blinds and allow a bit of sunshine to get into the room - ahhhh, breath of fresh air :)

Muse for the day: this really interesting game Boon Kiat was playing in the office. Basically you plant an assortment of plants to stop the zombies from attacking. You've got the sunflower that gives you sun-credit to buy plants with, cabbage that shoots -what else- cabbage at the zombies to kill them, nuts of two diffeerent sizes to block the zombies with (they take longer to eat up the nuts than the seedlings), pumpkin fenders and a weird, ghoul-like looking sack that squashes the zombies (an immediate kill, valid for one-time use).
I'm still amazed that someone came up with a game where you kill zombies with plants.
Almost makes you wanna roll your eyes and go, "But of course, why didn't I think of it?" but honestly, I have to say it's quite clever :) And the graphics are quite cute - uh, well done. Makes me feeling like playing!

Lunch at Ministry of Steak with Xingqi, Boon Kiat and Kevin, who was most kind to treat us, ending off with original frolick topped with fruity pebbles :)

Did you know: Hannah Loke has never tasted frolick!

It's 3.22pm now and Mooks is waiting in the room-with-the-green-couch. I'm not even halfway through my to-do list yet.
Work work work, Ave!
Geum Jan Di - fighting!

Cough Syrup and a Little Love.

2009-11-05T14:49:00.002+08:00

Puzzled over the sudden occurrence of a coughing fit late at night, I ran through the day's menu in my mind: sarpino's pizza, instant yuan yang (that's the official name for coffee-tea mix in chinese for you), mummy's mixed rice and tonic soup with black chicken, wolfberries and black beans.
I saw no loop-holes.
Could just be a sign from my body to work less, more rest (unintended rhyming there, sorry if it sounds bad - I couldn't resist :).

Yanked my very unwilling self out of bed and trudged over to the kitchen in search of Woods' cough syrup. Thank God for peppermint flavour. About to down the spoonful with some warm water when dì (that's younger brother in chinese) came into the kitchen.

"You got a sore throat?"
"Nope, just a cough."

And that was it. No Academy Award winning script there.
But his voice betrayed concern, if he'd attempted to hide it in the first place, that is. I trudged back to bed in a considerably much happier state.

It's little things like that that really go for the heart, know what I mean?

Welcome to the desk job :)

2009-11-04T17:36:00.003+08:00

Reporting on the situation in Room 02-15.

Items on desk (left to right):
Hope the teddy bear sitting atop my Gold - Harmony tissue box;
clear glass vase with two stalk of gerberas, left from a recent meeting;
Dave's copy of Living Your Strengths on top of a stack of papers, including freshly photocopied pages out of Jim & Casper Go to Church;
telephone (working at looong last - we can call out now!);
two extra-large post-its (我似乎已变成便利贴女孩了！);
air freshener nicked from the satellite office (no, no satellites in there, just stationery and a very handy all-purpose printer);
used scented candle, courtesy of Cas (unfortunately wasn't very effective in getting rid of the carpet smell);
chocolate digestive biscuits (and everyone say hooray!);
my almost-completed sign-up form for the Epic, the Tim Elmore conference;
anti-bacterial hand gel, influecned by Cheryl Hoe;
stack of namecards tied up with a yellow rubberband;
a really gi-normous pink and purple heart-shape lollipop from Shukun;
an NTUC plastic bag and three clean ziplocs;
the desk top and keyboard and mouse.

I LOVE MY DESK!

And even more so, I love the people I work with :)
Chee Onn is a terrific boss, Xingqi is a wonderful colleague (it's nice having a girlfriend you can click with), and Boon Kiat is dependable in his own quiet manner :)

Not to mention the cool Bartley people a few doors down in the satellite office (like Shaun, who treated Boon Kiat and I to pizza today - Sarpino's rocks! It beats every other pizzeria I've had so far) and the SV muggers (those dear, dear kids...haha I sound ancient calling them kids; they'll probably kill me for that).

My first paycheck is due in about ten days' time.
No hiccups there, I hope.
After my recent splurge on Erwin McManus books, my bank account is precariously balanced (think wobbly and on tenterhooks).

And I'm still wondering if this blog is of significance. I mean, how many of us actually achieve Julia Powell status in our lifetime?
Sometimes you wonder if anyone's listening and in the event that there isn't, if that's an indicator of your lack of wittiness, personality, humour or whatever.

Whoever would've thought the a blog could be a feed-off site for egos?
And something inside me is resisting the urge to roll my eyes and go, "I feel soooo loved."
I mean, not that I'm not (I know Yinky and Joylynn and Roomie love me), but just how much love is needed for a person to feel loved (as in, the fully, completely, totally lost-in-it, feet firmly planted on ground sort of knowing you're loved)?
That's where I get stumped, and you know what?
It still comes back to God after a long round of rambling (474 words of rambling, to be exact; yeah I counted using the word count on microsoft doc).

Insatiable need for love.
That's you, me and everyone else living on this planet.
And no thanks, I'd rather not go through a gazillion reincarnations to attain enlightenment (or nirvana, or whatever it's called).
It's waaaaaay better to know that you're loved.
Full stop.
No strings attached.

It's good to know that you're loved :)

Name a Genre

2009-10-30T12:11:00.003+08:00

There's a trend in movies recently, an observable influx of a currently unnamed genre (at least, unnamed to me). After a steady diet of movies like The Time Traveler's Wife, 500 Days of Summer, Julie & Julia and My Sister's Keeper, I'm beginning to fall in love with movies that make a big deal out of the small things.

You know how it used to be with those block-busters, action, sci-fi, thrillers and what have you not. They have this clichéd tendency to work up towards a climax before combusting in your face with a loud bang, leaving your heart beating a tad too fast and your breath slightly short. And of course, the unmistakable dip in adrenaline as you mentally prepare yourself for the credits.

I remember as a kid dreading the moments when the lights will go on in the cinema. It's like being held spellbound for over a hundred minutes and suddenly, curtain falls, light dawn, the magic ends and you're all too abruptly thrown back into the cruel realities of a world that is none too friendly for little kids with too big an imagination.

The thing I like about this new genre is that you never quite know when the movie's going to end, and even when the credits have started rolling, the scent of the movie lingers in the atmosphere, and the plot continues to play out even as you exit the cinema. It's almost as if the script becomes woven into the fabric of reality -your world of reality- and never quite ends.

I love such movies (:

They deserve a genre of their own. Did a spot of research and the closest I found was 'drama', which is so bleargh. I thought I found something fitting when I stumbled upon 'espionage' (doesn't it sound exotic?) but a few more clicks later discovered it refers to spy films (oh great).

So this genre shall rename unnamed for the moment, and I'll come back to it later when inspiration has arrived (:

2009-10-29T23:29:00.002+08:00

On a side note, I think Cameron Diaz was superb.
She's an amazing actress, now officially my favourite.

My Sister's Keeper

2009-10-29T23:22:00.002+08:00

The bag pipes sounded and Amazing Grace was played.
In that instant, I decided that I never wanted to go through another taoist/buddhist funeral for family members ever again.

Me and my God.
That makes major advantage against any adversary.
(Wow talk about alliteration).

Satan and minions, get out of my house!
Cause my God is bigger!
Amen :)

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
2 Tim 1:7

Lattés and Frappés

2009-10-29T23:18:00.002+08:00

Had my toffee nut latté today and under my recommendation, Yinky took the Dark Berry Mocha Frappé :)
What joy it is to have them back on the menu...only for Christmas season, I know, but that's good enough. That means accomodating a few starbucks into my schedule for the next two months!
De-lish!
Wish they'd open a starbucks closer to Bartley, like in Bishan or Paya Lebar or something.
Oh well. It's just as well else I'll go broke on toffee nut and dark berry mocha :D

Scribblings

2009-10-26T10:42:00.004+08:00

Shiite.
Heard someone say that before.
How about...shitake? As in, the mushroom?
Cool.
Maybe next time when I really feel like swearing, I can just go: Ta-ke!
______________________________

Went to watch Julie & Julia with Cas yesterday.
Wish I had something to perk me up like cooking for Julie.
Wish I could blog like she does.
She's really funny, did you know?
Go read her book, Julie & Julia by Julie Powell.
Or better yet, go watch the movie.
Or maybe I meant 'better yet, go read her book'.
I dunno.
It's a close fight.
______________________________

Ran into David at the bus stop outside Bishan today (the stop where 13 turns left a few stops after leaving J8).
It's hard to believe anything he says anymore after the last fiasco, but whatever there must be a reason our paths crossing.
Be Christlike, Ave, be Christlike.

Come to think of it, I've been running into loads of random people recently.
Like Wei An on sat night at the Stirling View bus stop.
It's really random, cause I was on 100 and could have dropped at the next stop, but I didn't.
And after I dropped, I could've walked home, but I didn't.
I sat and waited for a bus, and I could've waited for 64, which brings me closer home, but I decided to board the next bus that came (cause I thought 64 might take ages to come).
And that bus happened to be 153, which defeats the whole purpose of me dropping at Stirling View in the first place.
Anyway, chatted with Wei An for all of one stop's ride.
Turns out he's on a gap year too.
That makes...3 of us.
Boon Kiat, Wei An and I.
No four.
And Rach.
So I'm not alone.
Wow.

We should start a fellowship for gap-year takers.
Gappies.
Haha sounds like yuppies or guppies. Whatever.
Incidentally, all four of us are Christians.
I can see it now..the next Alcoholics Anonymous inspired group - the gap-year takers :)
______________________________

I am so tired I feel like dying.
Up to my eyeballs with it all.
I want to take a 6 month sabbatical and spend 3 weeks of it in London or Jerusalem or somewhere rustic and exotic.

Run away.
Run away, Ave.
Run away and fly free, Ave.

Ta-ke I'm such an emo kid.
Waiting for this year to be over.
Just 9 more weeks, did you know?
Bet you didn't.

Princess

2009-09-16T00:17:00.002+08:00

Real princesses are princess because of what they think and do.
They are one even without having to look like one.
Even if life dresses them in rags and wipes ashes on their faces, their identity remains unchanged.
It runs in their veins.

They are identified by the heart they love with, they care and compassion they show, the mercy and grace they give, the smiles they put on the faces of those they come into contact with.

2009-09-15T12:09:00.003+08:00

If Everyone Cared
Nickelback

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody die

And I'm singing Amen
Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody die

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody die

Reel Life

2009-09-15T11:59:00.003+08:00

Watched Nine again yesterday with Cas and Darwin (the human, says Cas, not to be mistaken with the guinea pig in G-Force, though I wouldn't mind cause Darwin the guinea pig is really cute, not to mention smart and has dang cool moves).

Intellect without soul is cruelty.
Emotion without wisdom is folly.

The happy conclusion that Cas and I have arrived at.
It's a sad ending to Nine, but I got more out of it the second time, having gotten slightly over my disappointment with the less than happy ending.

Waiting for
The Ugly Truth
Julie & Julia
Fame
Love Happens
Princess and the Frog
:)

Mad

2009-09-09T00:36:00.003+08:00

Ne-Yo is the first contemporary hiphop/R&B artist I know whose songs have lyrics that make sense.
Reach out and touch a heartstring.
Man, this is it.

Mad
Ne-Yo

She's starin' at me
I'm sittin' wonderin' what she's thinkin'
Nobody's talkin' 'cause talkin' just turns into screamin'
And now it's I'm yellin' over her, she yellin' over me
All that that means is neither of us is listening
And what's even worse?
That we don't even remember why we're fighting
So both of us are mad for

Nothing, fighting for
Nothin', crying for
Nothing, whoa
But we won't let it go for
Nothing, no not for
Nothing, this should be
Nothing to a love like what we got

Oh baby, I know sometimes it gonna rain
But baby, can we make up now?
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
Can't sleep through the pain
Girl, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
No, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
Oh no no no

And it gets me upset
Girl when you're constantly accusing
Askin' questions like you already know
We're fighting this war
Baby when both of us are losing
This ain't the way that love is supposed to go
Whoa, what happened to workin' it out?
We've fall into this place
Where you ain't backin' down and I ain't backin' down
So what the hell do we do now?

It's all for
Nothing, fighting for
Nothing, crying for
Nothing, whoa
But we won't let it go for
Nothing, no not for
Nothing, this should be
Nothing to a love like what we got

Baby, I know sometimes it's gonna rain
But baby, can we make up now?
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
Can't sleep through the pain
Girl, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
No, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
Oh no no no

Oh baby this love ain't gonna be perfect
Perfect, perfect, oh oh
And just how good it's gonna be
We can fuss and we can fight
Long as everything's all right between us
Before we go to sleep
Baby, we're gonna be happy, oh

level-headedness

2009-09-08T22:36:00.003+08:00

Was talking to Steph (Vinna's friend) over the phone last night.

It's funny how when I'm dealing with my own problems, I'm all emotional and reckless and hot-headed, and you'd think there wasn't a sliver of rationality left in me, but when it comes to advising others...
Steph asked how come I could be so calm, cool-headed and rational.
Honestly, it's a weird miracle of sorts.

Am thinking of Elisabeth Elliot, how she described herself in her writing.
Hmm. Maybe things like that do happen.
Anyway, Elisabeth Elliot is one of the coolest ladies I know, and she sure knows her bible :)

smoochy peachy

2009-09-08T22:25:00.002+08:00

Haha my post title doesn't make sense :D

I have 222 posts!
Tomorrow's a special day!
090909.
Cool :)

Ran into Ying Qi outside United Square today.
Then saw Jiamin at Mingles at Novena Square while having lunch with my parents.
Hah!
What a day :)

Crashed Ian's psychology lecture.
I loooovvveeed it!
Ok not that much, but it was interesting, what they were learning, and reading his textbook felt like reading a thicker version of Malcolm Gladwell's books!

Gearing up for four hours of ballet tomorrow...gosh I feel tired just thinking about it!
But I think I'll be ok, once I get over it, just like creative movement class :) and after all, I've had a bit more experience since teaching my first ballet class at Katong.
Oh God, please stay close by! Am so needing Your help!

2009-09-07T23:46:00.002+08:00

NOTHING TO LOSE
NOTHIHNG TO PROVE
NOTHING TO HIDE

That's what I hope to become, someone who has nothing to lose because God is everything you have; nothing to prove because only what God says matters; nothing to hide cause you're walking right with God.

Make it a better place

2009-09-07T23:43:00.003+08:00

"It's never a person who wants to save the world. They always become discouraged. But send me a contemplative. Send me someone who has a deep heart for God, and one day at a time, they serve."
Mother Teresa

Wow.
Ouch.
Talk about a slap in the face.

I am convinced that when we become overly obssessed about changing the world, we are more concerned about ourselves really than the world we are trying so hard to change.
But people who contemplate God and serve Him whole-heartedly - those are the people who last the distance.

You cannot love God wholeheartedly and not change the world :)

Rainclouds and a sliver of sunshine

2009-09-07T01:23:00.004+08:00

Visited Sylva's church today.
It was like...WHHOOOAAA!
I especially loved the dancing for Jesus bit :)

Yinky said I looked pretty today :) :) :)
This is the on-cloud-nine feeling!
A couple of other people said nice dress.
I am so delighted!

Came up to the altar a little uncertain of myself. Spotted Ps Joe and managed to grab him before he walked by. I'm glad Ps Joe prayed for me. Glad he listened to what I had to say and gave me some reassurance. It still didn't quite cut it, but it helped a bit. Then I decided to be hopeful about church service at Sylva's church and know what?
God delivered :)

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I'm been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past I just can't seem to move on

Oh boy. This song is ringing truer than I thought it would!
But now I begin to see the sun a little. The clouds are getting blown away and...
Maybe I'll make it through :)

There are many things that make me want to go sh*t but know what?
I shall stop focusing on them and start thinking about how God's been seeing me through all this crap. He is faithful even when we are faithless.

Was feeling all agitated waiting at Bartley mrt station.
The seconds slipped by and between 9.48am and 10.25am, I must've checked the time something like a dozen times.
Then God reminded me why I was doing what I was doing, and He invited me to worship Him there and then. It wasn't about the hall and the musicians and the people. Well, on most days it is, but today, it wasn't.
So I started singing, and my heart felt lighter.

I know He will be there to catch me when I fall.

Waste not. Want not.

2009-09-04T14:14:00.002+08:00

Feeling very, very wasted.
At least I went for a swim.
This 2am-12nn routine is not good, not good at all.
Yes, those are the hours I sleep.
Kinda explains why I feel so crappy.

Been watching alot of movies lately.
Up.
The Proposal.
Bandslam.
The Proposal (again).
I Love You, Beth Cooper.

G-Force is out.
The Time Traveller's Wife is out.
More movies are coming, like
Love Happens,
The Ugly Truth,
Julie & Julia,
The Princess and the Frog and
Fame.

I hate feeling so wasted from watching movies.
Didn't think this would be a battlefield, but it has become one.
You know, all these little things (or not so little things) keep taking turns.
Awhile back it was Made With Love shopping.
Then there was clothes shopping.
And then there was something before that, like music or whatever.
This is crazy. These things are driving me crazy.
C-R-A-Z-Y.

Jesus wasn't kidding when he said we need to pick up our crosses to follow him.
This is so, so, so, so, so, SO HAAARRD!
Needing some help here, God.

30 August

2009-08-30T23:29:00.004+08:00

How unoriginal.

This might be my last August post.
Why do I sound like it's a funeral?
__________________________
God is doing His usual thing, throwing us human-lings into bewilderment and wondering if we managed to get anything right, especially the important stuff.

It was good talking to Shwing.
Definitely wondering about the increasing space between us (sounds like a certain famous theme song from a certain famous Award winning romantic movie), and it's clear it ain't just either of us - it's both.

It's a regular Sunday night, or perhaps not too regular.
Depends on how you look at it.
Had dinner at HeyHey Hotpot at pomo. It was delish, even though I didn't eat very much.
Loved The Proposal. Sandra Bullock is hilarious and totally awesome at what she does. Ryan Reynolds is pretty easy on the eyes (ok good-looking is more accurate, but I'm not about to go ga-ga over some movie celeb cause this heart is taken ;) and well, it was pretty heart-warming towards the end.
I recommend it!
Joanne said she didn't think it was good, but well, guess I'm a sucker for romantic-comedies, especially those that come with happy endings!

Waiting for my own happy ending.
42 is my magic number.

Back to God.
He rocks my socks like nothing else does.
Love Him, love Him some more, and it still ain't close to how much He loves me.
I am so screwed up. But He loves me. I am amazed.
Hope the teddy is staring back at me.
I named him after the song I Hope You Dance.

Don't think I'll ever stop dancing.
Won't stop believing that God is good, won't stop moving my hands and feet to the music.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.
I don't have to work!
Going to start cleaning up my room :)

Love this song, love this song, love this song...

2009-08-27T00:36:00.004+08:00

Make It Work
Ne-Yo

You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately thats enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real I've seen

Sure, everyone has their problems
That's a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work

We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh

Sometimes I love you
More than you'll ever know
Other times you get on my nerves
(hey) That's just reality
No, it can't always be
Kisses, hugs, and beautiful words

You was looking for your prince
What you found
Is a pauper with potential
And no, i'm nowhere near perfect..
But i'm around
Girl, time and patience is essential
Baby realize...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work

We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh

Thick and thin
The bad outweighs the good sometimes
That doesn't mean we're 'spose to give it up
My problems are yours
And yours are mine

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work

We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work
Ay oh ay oh oh

Outstanding taxi fare

2009-08-27T00:27:00.002+08:00

Monday $64.60
Tuesday $20.60
Wednesday $14.65

Boy oh boy.
That's 15cents away from a hundred bucks!
I hope Allison makes the claims soon!
Don't have a fat bank account anymore for paying in advance.

Tue. Wed.

2009-08-27T00:05:00.002+08:00

Ran into Johnathan second day on the job. Been meeeting characters of all sorts, and God's been granting me loads of favours in getting cabs and finding places.

For instance, the bus stopped at a stop for a prolonged period of time cause someone was asking for directions or something, and while waiting I just decided to check the directory again, and realised it was my stop! I zipped off pronto - thank God for making the bus wait haha!

On two instances I was in ulu places and managed to get cabs fast cause the uncles were taking breaks and had parked their cabs in the hdb flat area parking lots. But that's not all - in both instances the uncles were in the cab so it was ask, hop in and go!

Talking to school counsellors has been an eye opener of another sort. I never knew this much about neighbourhood schools and the problems kids from less well-to-do backgrounds faced. Yes, I have been a pretty sheltered one.
Little flower in greenhouse, so to speak.

Then there's all the counsellors who took MCs on tuesday, meaning drop-off-and-go so I didn't have to rush! Tuesday's schedule was crazy packed, and if not for those unexpected absences...I actually got back earlier than Shaun!

Ok maybe today wasn't so fab.
My watch slowed and I didn't realise, then I got to the school in Sengkang and it had moved to Hougang.
Caaaabb!
At least I got my nice lunch at 剪刀饭 and even squeezed in a haircut ($3.80 at Snip Avenue, Toa Payoh; talk about dirt cheap)!

Went to AMK Methodist Church for dance.
Really wasn't expecting what I found.
The dance, I mean.
But that aside, it's clear to me that these kids are precious.
With a capital P.
I bet they get front seats to the parade in heaven.
Heck, they probably get to be in the parade.

It's been three days and I've met a busload-ful of characters.
Wondering where this is all leading to.
Dunno.
But I know God's got some plans up His sleeves :)

What a day.

2009-08-24T21:45:00.002+08:00

9.15am chatted with Shaun about Christianity once again. he can't make it for captain's ball (and even if he could, he can't play cause of an injury). damn.

$5 first taxi ride. sorry to say i can't remember what I said to the taxi uncle.

$20 Malay taxi uncle, tuned in to a Malay radio station. decided to keep my mouth shut and rest.

$20.20 Chinese taxi uncle, 66 years old with 4 kids and 8 grandchildren. shared the gospel with him. sorta. not the point by point blatant way, of course. invited him to church. it's very convenient having a mrt station named after your church.

$12.80 Indian taxi uncle. had a photo of a saint on the dashboard (whom i mistakenly assumed to be his wife). told me about she was born blue, has healing powers from god, and travels the world healing people's souls and doing saintly work. i was dumbfounded. he asked me for my religion and i told him i'm a christian. he mentioned mother teresa. i tried to explain the difference. i think i failed.

$6.60 Chinese taxi uncle with alot of buddhist bands on his gear. said he got them free when he donated to monks. had some other powerful buddhist thing hanging from his rearview mirror. another attempt at sharing the gospel. it's hard when people believe all roads lead to rome. by the way, they don't. drove past our lovely church building and told him he's welcomed to visit :)

5.30pm took a chance and said hi to the stranger walking next to me in clarke quay mrt station. his name is Sylva, from Nigeria, Africa and he attends an African church. went for a quick drink in burger king and exchanged numbers. i'm visiting his church some time and he's coming to Bartley.

What a day.

Wind

2009-08-23T21:47:00.003+08:00

Went for YA CGL bs today.
Too many acronyms?
That's young adult, cell group leader and bible study.

Not that I'm one yet, but will be soon, in about four months.
Oh gosh.
I was just getting used to this whole CGL thing in Frontline Youth and now I'm getting vamooshed to YA! (do you hear an aaaaaarrrrggggh~)

Too many changes, too many uncertainties, too many loose ends not tied down.
It's a good thing Joanne pointed out that I'm tired, having slept at 3am and woke up at 7am for girls' bs.

Oh God, is it too much to ask for some certainty?

Took an evening nap, but still feeling emotionally drained.
Hope it gets better tomorrow.
Work starts.
I'll be too busy to think about this for at least two weeks.
After that...God knows.
_________________________________________
It is often in the winds of change that we find our true direction.

muah-rah-dum

2009-08-23T21:43:00.003+08:00

(I have no idea what my post title means it just popped into my head)

I think I'm getting immuned to things these days. used to be a real huge softie for things but now...gosh I dunno what happened. Did the process of toughening me make me more emotionless?

That's a scary thought.
I hope I find the balance.

Up was a lovely movie :)
We can all get too dead set on things of old and fail to look ahead, missing out even on the things that are right before us. That's saying something, coming from me.
Life goes on.
Time for a new adventure!

Waiting to watch G-Force.
And The Proposal. Only cause it's Sandra Bullock.

Fact and Fiction

2009-08-19T23:02:00.000+08:00

Did you know the seven deadly sins are
1. Pride
2. Greed
3. Envy
4. Anger
5. Lust
6. Gluttony
7. Slothfulness

And apparently wikipedia tells you that Eve took and ate the apple.
It's a fruit, guys, no mention of it being an apple whatsoever.
The next thing we'd be debating is whether it was cinnamon.

Some answers to bible trivia seriously crack me up.

Like Noah's wife is Joan of Arc.
Or epistles are wives of the apostles.

It's time to read your bibles, friends.

Oh and, on a side note, The Da Vinci Code is a FICTION book.
There. It's in caps, bold, and italicised.
Fiction means story, means untrue, though like any other good storyteller Mr Brown's done his research and thrown in a few real names to make the tale convincing.
Honestly, the way people talk about it, you'd almost expect Professor Robert Langdon to exist.

Job: Mother.

2009-08-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

Something is very wrong with my blogger new posts webpage.
Oh well.
I shall be thankful that I can still post :)

YAY I have a job!
For two weeks I will be running around the island talking to school counselors about Immanuel Beauty School, a non-profit organization that helps school dropouts of ages 15-17 by educating them with beautician skills and helping them find a job (and palce in society). And they're paying me $60 a day :)
Good money, good cause, gets my lazy butt out of the house.
What more could I ask for?

Ching Ting's asked me to do two more sessions of creative movement class at RVPS, so that's another source of income.
I'm starting to get attached to the kids! Am going to miss them (a little) when I leave.
You've the naughty and the nice, the hyper-active and the shy, the outspoken and the quiet, the boys and the girls (duh!) and some really creative ones :)
This boy does a pretty good Michael Jackson (or generic rockstar) imitation, and this other girl keeps asking if she can do the moonwalk.
These kids are amazing!
It's only the second week but they're already asking, "Are you coming back next week?"
Aww...
That's the sound of my heart melting.

So now I get it.
Ain't got no soft spot for babies in me, but just put me with a kid aged between four to seven and you'll get the kind of reaction you see from most of my girlfriends when they're around babies (think Cassandra - oh my)!
Alternatively you could try CGI animated baby mammoths.
But let's not go there.

Maybe I can do this thing called motherhood after all.

YAMI not

2009-08-18T20:36:00.000+08:00

The YAMI yoghurt person never called, and when I called back, all the managers aren't around and the staff couldn't find my name on the list (that's both my Christian and Chinese names).
Today's tuesday.
I should've gone through the training already, but I haven't.
Oh well. So much for the joy of working there.

Yong Xin did get me a part time job as a promoter though!
Once again, it's two weeks long and pays well :)
Ching Ting's asked me to take two more of her classes.

Maybe I'll just end up doing an assortment of short-term part-time jobs until next August. The money's always coming in at the right time. Right now I owe my dad something like $340. My paycheck from SPOC better come soon!

Very Musically Talented people

2009-08-18T20:26:00.001+08:00

Yinkoh'a friend, Jill Marie Thomas, is the most kick-ass singer/songwriter/guitarist I know, on par with Yinkoh herself and Rachel (of Awaken the Dreamer album)!

I am so glad I asked Yinkoh if she wanted to go to Made With Love with me :) that was when she invited me to hear her friend and I am so so so so so SO glad I went! When her album's out I am so getting a copy! Loved her voice, her music, her lyrics. Even cried at the last one. Would've stayed on if not for the fact that Made With Love was going to close in 45mins.

Yinkoh herself is amazing. Just found out she plays the clarinet. That's the fourth instrument to her list, after guitar, keyboard and violin. Is she talented or is she talented? She also happens to be one of the gentlest souls I know and a very good listener. I still can't believe she's my friend. Feels like I struck lottery or something.

And Rachel has just about the sweetest-powerful voice. That's the thing - her voice is both sweet and powerful. A very nice balance. Love her songs, especially Dreamer and Till You Come.

"If I dream
Will you stop loving me and
If I dream
Would you take me as I am"
- Dreamer

"Though I
Don't think I'll ever be loved
But I believe I will be when you come
KNocking on the stubborn door of my hungry heart"
- Till You Come

Updates

2009-08-11T17:17:00.003+08:00

Thank God for the chance to hear Mich, Jonny, Christine, Zhong Xin and Melanie share about their trip to Taiwan.
Thank God for the chance to share about my dreams and burdens with Christine.
Thank God for the wonderful night getting to know some really cool people :)
Thank God for opening my eyes to the spiritual needs in Taiwan, and even mroe so that amazing stuff He's doing over there with Wei Jie and Kai Yuan and the Liuzhangli church.
Thanks God for the ride home with Mich and Jonny.
Thank God for their prayer.
______________________________________
I am unemployed.
Woke up this morning (was it still morning or was it past noon?), watched last night's recorded episode of the Hong Kong serial as I ate breakfast, checked my mail and edited Yan Hui's essays, halfway through writing out what happened the night I was at Blujazz with Cas.
Made a date with Steph to watch SDT at UCC (haha acronyms) and made a date with Suyin.
It's already 5.30pm and I've not had lunch, not gone swimming and not cleaned my room.

Once again, I remember that I am unemployed.
I must've said that at least half a dozen times last night.
Really need to start thinking about the next one year.

This morning, my week was pretty empty.
Right now, I've 5 appointments in the next 2.5 days, and then it's youthprayer on friday evening and the rest of the weekend's going to roll right by.

Wow.
If this keeps up one year will be over and I wouldn't even have had to worry about what to do with my time.

Avelyn speaks

2009-08-05T00:23:00.002+08:00

Avelyn thinks she is bold and rash, sometimes overly so and therefore gets under the skin of some people. But she can't help it. She loves living on the edge, including doing things like jaywalking, climbing school gates and bending as many rules as she can without getting into serious trouble.

One thing's for sure - she loves making things up as she goes.

Sometimes Avelyn wonders if she's finally sinned herself out of the reach of God, but she knows that isn't possible. No matter how screwed up life may seem at the moment, all she really cares is that she is loving God and letting that show through her daily living.

She falls, she picks herself up, and she keeps fighting.
Sometimes she gets too tired, though, and that's when she falls back into the steady and strong arms of God and simply allows herself to be.

It's tiring to always be doing things.
Sometimes, nothing more is asked of us than to be.

Avelyn is wondering why she's talking about herself in third-person speak, and also wondering if she'll ever get over her insecurities. She highly doubts it. But it can get better. At least now, she knows that she is loved.

She is thankful for friends who don't mind her weirdness and one of them particularly who lives down the road and is crazy enough to walk a mile with her at 11pm so that she can vent her frustrations and cry abit and then go for shaker fries and green tea at 24hr Mac's. She highly enjoyed the bit where they camped out at the wooden bench-like thing outside the Hong Kong cafe. She's learnt how to tie a fancy knot which has a name she can't remember. She's also hoping that her friend will get to know God someday.

If you'd like to get to know Avelyn, drop her a tag in the cbox :)

2009-07-22T19:28:00.001+08:00

Read two things in a row that made me angry, nauseated, upset, sympathetic and indignant all at once.
I think a large part of it was indignance, and the rest of it was probably grief over the blindness of man.

Men who have elevated their own status to god.
Men who have chosen lies for truth.